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At my wits end..new comer
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 612601" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Echolette, welcome. I am so sorry you are going through this with your son. it is very hard on us parents when we have troubled kids.</p><p></p><p>First of all, if you are feeling in any way suicidal, <u><em>you must seek professional help</em></u>. This is very serious and entertaining those thoughts is serious. Your statement about 'if you kill yourself your other kids will be okay without you' could not be further from the truth. My son in law committed suicide and I could not begin to explain to you the devastation that occurred in the lives of those who loved him. My daughter's life spiraled out of control and she never recovered......... and his mother, brother, cousin and daughters lives are irreparably damaged. That choice would impact your 4 children in profoundly negative and destructive ways far beyond what you can imagine so please, recognize that is <u><em>not a choice</em></u> and seek help for yourself immediately. </p><p></p><p>Having a child go off the rails as your son has, and many of our kids have, has a remarkable and devastating impact on us parents. Our guilt and fear for them is profound. <strong>You are not alone.</strong> We all go through all of the same feelings you are having. It is a terrible place to live. I understand that and all of us here, who have adult kids understand that too. </p><p></p><p>There comes a point, where you have just arrived, where the realization that there is nothing more we can do, becomes obvious. We cannot continue on this road, it is hurting us and it is not helping them. They cannot live within our rules and that causes severe problems for us. Not allowing him to come home and not giving him financial support are good choices and the ones those of us with adult kids make as well.</p><p></p><p>However, for the past number of years, your son has depleted your resources, exhausted you, taken away your joy and your hope. Now you have to focus on you and your other 3 kids. How we do that is with a lot of support. Most of us seek out therapy for <strong>US</strong>. There are 12 step groups as well. NAMI, which is the National Alliance on Mental Illness have chapters everywhere and can be accessed online. They have excellent programs, classes and support groups for parents. That sounds like a good place for you to start, if I were in your shoes, and I am, I would contact NAMI today. Do not wait. You sound at the end of your rope and at this point, you must begin to nourish yourself, nurture yourself, take care of yourself and start to take your life back from the edge where you have been living.</p><p></p><p>We all feel that sense of hopelessness, despair, sorrow, guilt and fear that I hear you are experiencing right now, I know how you feel. It's pretty awful. I have been on that same edge. Step back from that, turn in another direction and get yourself some professional assistance immediately. Read the article at the bottom of my post here on detachment. Detachment is the process we all go through here so that we can not only regain our lives and stop enabling our children who are not helping themselves, but it is the process which stops the negative connection we have with our kids and puts the reigns in their hands to do with what they will. You did not cause this. You cannot control this. You cannot fix this or change it. Only your son can. He either will or he won't but <strong>you cannot allow your life to hinge on that choice.</strong> You deserve a peaceful life. Your other kids deserve a mother who is present. You cannot allow one son to ruin the lives of the rest of the family.</p><p></p><p>I spent almost two years in a program at a huge HMO here in California designed for substance abusers and codependents. The codependency program not only gave me the tools to learn how to detach from my troubled adult daughter, it gave me permission and the direction to learn how to enjoy my own life regardless of what my daughter is doing. There were weekly support groups lead by a therapist where I listened to other mothers who had disturbed adult kids, where I received support for all the feelings I had and the fear I felt. I saw a private therapist as well in this program. Little by little I got my own life back. You can do that too. It isn't easy, but <em>it is possible.</em></p><p></p><p>Read <u>Codependent no more</u> by Melody Beattie. It's helpful. There is a lot of support out there for you, take it. Go online and find a NAMI chapter near you and call them today. Ask them for a recommendation for a therapist. Find a codependents anonymous or Family anonymous group in your area. Begin the journey out of the upside down, sideways world you've been living in with your son. You can do it. Keep posting, we get it. I'm glad you found us, we are a group of parents who understand where you are right now. Read our stories and gain the strength to go find your joy. I wish you truckloads of peace, you deserve it. (((HUGS)))</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 612601, member: 13542"] Echolette, welcome. I am so sorry you are going through this with your son. it is very hard on us parents when we have troubled kids. First of all, if you are feeling in any way suicidal, [U][I]you must seek professional help[/I][/U]. This is very serious and entertaining those thoughts is serious. Your statement about 'if you kill yourself your other kids will be okay without you' could not be further from the truth. My son in law committed suicide and I could not begin to explain to you the devastation that occurred in the lives of those who loved him. My daughter's life spiraled out of control and she never recovered......... and his mother, brother, cousin and daughters lives are irreparably damaged. That choice would impact your 4 children in profoundly negative and destructive ways far beyond what you can imagine so please, recognize that is [U][I]not a choice[/I][/U] and seek help for yourself immediately. Having a child go off the rails as your son has, and many of our kids have, has a remarkable and devastating impact on us parents. Our guilt and fear for them is profound. [B]You are not alone.[/B] We all go through all of the same feelings you are having. It is a terrible place to live. I understand that and all of us here, who have adult kids understand that too. There comes a point, where you have just arrived, where the realization that there is nothing more we can do, becomes obvious. We cannot continue on this road, it is hurting us and it is not helping them. They cannot live within our rules and that causes severe problems for us. Not allowing him to come home and not giving him financial support are good choices and the ones those of us with adult kids make as well. However, for the past number of years, your son has depleted your resources, exhausted you, taken away your joy and your hope. Now you have to focus on you and your other 3 kids. How we do that is with a lot of support. Most of us seek out therapy for [B]US[/B]. There are 12 step groups as well. NAMI, which is the National Alliance on Mental Illness have chapters everywhere and can be accessed online. They have excellent programs, classes and support groups for parents. That sounds like a good place for you to start, if I were in your shoes, and I am, I would contact NAMI today. Do not wait. You sound at the end of your rope and at this point, you must begin to nourish yourself, nurture yourself, take care of yourself and start to take your life back from the edge where you have been living. We all feel that sense of hopelessness, despair, sorrow, guilt and fear that I hear you are experiencing right now, I know how you feel. It's pretty awful. I have been on that same edge. Step back from that, turn in another direction and get yourself some professional assistance immediately. Read the article at the bottom of my post here on detachment. Detachment is the process we all go through here so that we can not only regain our lives and stop enabling our children who are not helping themselves, but it is the process which stops the negative connection we have with our kids and puts the reigns in their hands to do with what they will. You did not cause this. You cannot control this. You cannot fix this or change it. Only your son can. He either will or he won't but [B]you cannot allow your life to hinge on that choice.[/B] You deserve a peaceful life. Your other kids deserve a mother who is present. You cannot allow one son to ruin the lives of the rest of the family. I spent almost two years in a program at a huge HMO here in California designed for substance abusers and codependents. The codependency program not only gave me the tools to learn how to detach from my troubled adult daughter, it gave me permission and the direction to learn how to enjoy my own life regardless of what my daughter is doing. There were weekly support groups lead by a therapist where I listened to other mothers who had disturbed adult kids, where I received support for all the feelings I had and the fear I felt. I saw a private therapist as well in this program. Little by little I got my own life back. You can do that too. It isn't easy, but [I]it is possible.[/I] Read [U]Codependent no more[/U] by Melody Beattie. It's helpful. There is a lot of support out there for you, take it. Go online and find a NAMI chapter near you and call them today. Ask them for a recommendation for a therapist. Find a codependents anonymous or Family anonymous group in your area. Begin the journey out of the upside down, sideways world you've been living in with your son. You can do it. Keep posting, we get it. I'm glad you found us, we are a group of parents who understand where you are right now. Read our stories and gain the strength to go find your joy. I wish you truckloads of peace, you deserve it. (((HUGS))) [/QUOTE]
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