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Parent Emeritus
At my wits end..new comer
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 612644" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>You do what feels right to you. If you want to allow him over for Thanksgiving, do it. Let him know in advance that if he starts any drama though that he will have to go. If you feel he can not maintain for Thanksgiving, don't have him there. You can always bring him some leftovers at a designated meeting place. Detaching takes time. Nobody here expects you to detach 100% and right away. You were right to tell your friend not to give him money. To do so is hurting him. If he is like other drug addicts, as my daughter was (or at least she was a heavy user), every dime given to him by a good samaritan will be spent on drugs. Tell her if she feels she wants to buy him a meal to do THAT, but NO CASH. </p><p></p><p>When I see people who I believe may be homeless and they have signs that say "Homeless! Anything helps" I may give them a warm blanket and a sandwich and coffee. It is hard for me to just pass the person by. Even if that person is using me, I feel like I meant well. But I am a commodities and food only person. I don't give anyone money just in case. Does your son still have a cell phone? If so, you can text him every so often. I'd text things like "I hope you choose to get help. You know I will help you do that." And you can text "I love you." If he starts abusing you, go silent and ignore. </p><p></p><p>He is like most of our kids. They are not homeless because we would have them cold and hungry. They are homeless because they won't follow reasonable rules in the house, are abusive to us, steal from us, hurt their siblings, refuse to get help for drug abuse, and basically decide being homeless is preferable to accepting the warm house we offer if they would only at least TRY. These kids also tend to find resources easily...druggies help druggies. There is always a couch in someone's house to sleep on until they inevitably have a falling out. </p><p></p><p>You have done everything I can think of. Is there anything you can think of that you haven't tried before that you think may help your son? It HAS to be something you haven't tried. See? All you can do is make sure he can come to you if he truly wants to get the help he needs for his many challenges. You aren't abandoning him. He can always come back to you if he promises to get help and then actually does it. If he goes through the proper channels, he will get drug rehab, psychiatric care, and housing...he knows this, but doesn't want it badly enough.</p><p></p><p>You have been a real banner mom. Now your other kids need you and your husband does too and your friends and you need a healthy you as well. </p><p></p><p>One thing great about the Parent Emeritus board...we all seem to really get along well and respect one another. A big plus is we are on call 24/7 and you can always post...and our advice may not be professional, but we did all go to the University of Hard Knocks and you can't beat the price of the advice that you get...lol <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> We are so happy you have you with us. We can get through this...together.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 612644, member: 1550"] You do what feels right to you. If you want to allow him over for Thanksgiving, do it. Let him know in advance that if he starts any drama though that he will have to go. If you feel he can not maintain for Thanksgiving, don't have him there. You can always bring him some leftovers at a designated meeting place. Detaching takes time. Nobody here expects you to detach 100% and right away. You were right to tell your friend not to give him money. To do so is hurting him. If he is like other drug addicts, as my daughter was (or at least she was a heavy user), every dime given to him by a good samaritan will be spent on drugs. Tell her if she feels she wants to buy him a meal to do THAT, but NO CASH. When I see people who I believe may be homeless and they have signs that say "Homeless! Anything helps" I may give them a warm blanket and a sandwich and coffee. It is hard for me to just pass the person by. Even if that person is using me, I feel like I meant well. But I am a commodities and food only person. I don't give anyone money just in case. Does your son still have a cell phone? If so, you can text him every so often. I'd text things like "I hope you choose to get help. You know I will help you do that." And you can text "I love you." If he starts abusing you, go silent and ignore. He is like most of our kids. They are not homeless because we would have them cold and hungry. They are homeless because they won't follow reasonable rules in the house, are abusive to us, steal from us, hurt their siblings, refuse to get help for drug abuse, and basically decide being homeless is preferable to accepting the warm house we offer if they would only at least TRY. These kids also tend to find resources easily...druggies help druggies. There is always a couch in someone's house to sleep on until they inevitably have a falling out. You have done everything I can think of. Is there anything you can think of that you haven't tried before that you think may help your son? It HAS to be something you haven't tried. See? All you can do is make sure he can come to you if he truly wants to get the help he needs for his many challenges. You aren't abandoning him. He can always come back to you if he promises to get help and then actually does it. If he goes through the proper channels, he will get drug rehab, psychiatric care, and housing...he knows this, but doesn't want it badly enough. You have been a real banner mom. Now your other kids need you and your husband does too and your friends and you need a healthy you as well. One thing great about the Parent Emeritus board...we all seem to really get along well and respect one another. A big plus is we are on call 24/7 and you can always post...and our advice may not be professional, but we did all go to the University of Hard Knocks and you can't beat the price of the advice that you get...lol :) We are so happy you have you with us. We can get through this...together. [/QUOTE]
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