Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
At my wits end..new comer
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 612661" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>You are most welcome, all of us here are a breath away from where you are..........we really do know how you feel and I know too how much it means when you're in the trenches with your kids to have others who get it.</p><p></p><p>Enabling is something you can recover from..........with help. Do call NAMI and find a group, a therapist, make this about YOU. </p><p></p><p>I think as MWM mentioned, we all journey through this at our own speed.........if it feels good to have him for Thanksgiving, do it, but make your boundaries. I have to do the same thing. I think the best advice I can offer is to figure out what it is <u>you </u>want, what <u>you</u> are willing to do, what <u>you </u>do not want and what <u>you</u> are not willing to do. A therapist or a support group or NAMI can all help you with that. I would talk to him when it feels right to do so, if he manipulates, is hostile, angry, blaming or in any way is disrespectful, then get off the phone, It's really all about his behavior.......if he behaves and is respectful, then fine. If he tells you stories and they upset you then don't listen to them. Limit the time spent listening or tell him you are aware that this is untrue and you are not willing to listen. I wouldn't hammer away at the resources offered, it's generally a waste of your words. You might say that when he is willing to start his own path of recovery, you will help him, but until that point, you are not willing to talk about it. </p><p></p><p>What you want to do is figure out what your boundaries are, state them clearly to your son and make sure when those boundaries are compromised by him that you have a consequence that is clear, that he knows about and that you follow through on. It takes time to figure all of this out, which is where counseling comes in. They keep us on track because it's really easy to cave. Plus generally, we're used to rescuing them so we have to change that pattern in ourselves as well............and that takes time and we DO make mistakes so don't beat yourself up about it, it's simply new territory.</p><p></p><p>I have been known to drive by the place my daughter stays at, but as time goes by I do that less and less. Many here check on Facebook to see if the kids post, some pay for cell phones so they know the kids are alive. I don't think there is any right way, only the way that works for you that you can live with. I think the difference between enabling and loving kindness is that enabling does not feel good, loving kindness does. I used that a lot as I was learning how to detach, it helped me. Remember also that coming out of enabling often places us in a very foggy place, a place where we just don't know what to do. That fog is very common as we heal ourselves from the constant concern about another..............it's a confusing place. I found if I shared the situation with my therapist or group or someone who is objective and not enmeshed in the situation, the act of 'telling on myself' and someone stepping in to tell me the truth about what they saw, really helped me to shift my perspective and change my behavior. It's a big change, you need to have the pattern you've been in with your son interrupted so you can choose another path.</p><p></p><p>As you go through this crazy world we all live in here, you'll find your own way, there are no hard and fast rules, we generally go forward, then back, then sideways, it's a helluva journey through...........but you'll make it, just get yourself LOTS of support, whatever that looks like to you and make taking care of YOU the focus now. Codependents focus on others so focus on YOU. Do kind and nurturing things for yourself every day. Take care of your body, running is great, good for you! </p><p></p><p>If something happens to your son, you will find out at some point, worrying about it everyday will just ruin your days..............we can't control what our kids do and spending all our time trying to figure it all out is exhausting, non productive and is part of enabling which is not healthy for you. Remember that most of our kids are remarkably adept at staying above the fray, they have skills we don't have, they land on their feet in spite of their bad choices. Hang in there. Sending you peaceful thoughts...........</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 612661, member: 13542"] You are most welcome, all of us here are a breath away from where you are..........we really do know how you feel and I know too how much it means when you're in the trenches with your kids to have others who get it. Enabling is something you can recover from..........with help. Do call NAMI and find a group, a therapist, make this about YOU. I think as MWM mentioned, we all journey through this at our own speed.........if it feels good to have him for Thanksgiving, do it, but make your boundaries. I have to do the same thing. I think the best advice I can offer is to figure out what it is [U]you [/U]want, what [U]you[/U] are willing to do, what [U]you [/U]do not want and what [U]you[/U] are not willing to do. A therapist or a support group or NAMI can all help you with that. I would talk to him when it feels right to do so, if he manipulates, is hostile, angry, blaming or in any way is disrespectful, then get off the phone, It's really all about his behavior.......if he behaves and is respectful, then fine. If he tells you stories and they upset you then don't listen to them. Limit the time spent listening or tell him you are aware that this is untrue and you are not willing to listen. I wouldn't hammer away at the resources offered, it's generally a waste of your words. You might say that when he is willing to start his own path of recovery, you will help him, but until that point, you are not willing to talk about it. What you want to do is figure out what your boundaries are, state them clearly to your son and make sure when those boundaries are compromised by him that you have a consequence that is clear, that he knows about and that you follow through on. It takes time to figure all of this out, which is where counseling comes in. They keep us on track because it's really easy to cave. Plus generally, we're used to rescuing them so we have to change that pattern in ourselves as well............and that takes time and we DO make mistakes so don't beat yourself up about it, it's simply new territory. I have been known to drive by the place my daughter stays at, but as time goes by I do that less and less. Many here check on Facebook to see if the kids post, some pay for cell phones so they know the kids are alive. I don't think there is any right way, only the way that works for you that you can live with. I think the difference between enabling and loving kindness is that enabling does not feel good, loving kindness does. I used that a lot as I was learning how to detach, it helped me. Remember also that coming out of enabling often places us in a very foggy place, a place where we just don't know what to do. That fog is very common as we heal ourselves from the constant concern about another..............it's a confusing place. I found if I shared the situation with my therapist or group or someone who is objective and not enmeshed in the situation, the act of 'telling on myself' and someone stepping in to tell me the truth about what they saw, really helped me to shift my perspective and change my behavior. It's a big change, you need to have the pattern you've been in with your son interrupted so you can choose another path. As you go through this crazy world we all live in here, you'll find your own way, there are no hard and fast rules, we generally go forward, then back, then sideways, it's a helluva journey through...........but you'll make it, just get yourself LOTS of support, whatever that looks like to you and make taking care of YOU the focus now. Codependents focus on others so focus on YOU. Do kind and nurturing things for yourself every day. Take care of your body, running is great, good for you! If something happens to your son, you will find out at some point, worrying about it everyday will just ruin your days..............we can't control what our kids do and spending all our time trying to figure it all out is exhausting, non productive and is part of enabling which is not healthy for you. Remember that most of our kids are remarkably adept at staying above the fray, they have skills we don't have, they land on their feet in spite of their bad choices. Hang in there. Sending you peaceful thoughts........... [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
At my wits end..new comer
Top