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Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by newstart, Dec 3, 2019.

  1. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    We are back from out of the country. 37 year old daughter did ok and took a shower everyday. Yes, an actual shower. Not sure if she did that on her own or if it was because my husband would say, OK it is time for you to get in the shower. My daughter went from her bed to a chair, then laid in the sun on a lounge chair and then back into bed. She did not join us for exercise, just naps, eating and lounging.
    I picked my battles, the lies were flying and if I called her out on every lie, it would just bring more chaos into the mix. No major blowouts or her going off the wall belligerent..Thank God.
    Sometimes I catch my daughter looking at me and laughing. It feels mean. I do not like to undress in front of her because it makes me feel bad. Even though she has become fat, I never say anything about it yet she tells me each wrinkle, line or fat deposit I have and laughs about it. I have not let myself go, I am just getting older and doing the best I can with what I have. I think it is just another way to spit venom for her. Nobody wants to be laughed at.
    As I said before, if this is all I am complaining about things are ok. Not great or good, just ok.
     
  2. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...

    New start

    It sounds like things went well with a lot of effort on your part to be the change in the situation. Very smart to pick your battles and also not go to the fight when your daughter lied.

    I’m sorry though that she was critical of you. Sometimes the young think they will never age like the rest of us. We all know no one escapes it. I’m sure you care for yourself and take care of your appearance. Don’t let her sike you out and steal any of your self worth.
     
  3. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    You don't deserve constant criticism. I feel that is horrible. I'm guessing you paid for her to even be able to go with you. You did do a good job keeping the drama down.

    Kay used to make fun of how all of us looked. I do not think I could have ever taken her on a vacation with us. She would have ruined everyone's fun. Or made us walk on eggshells.

    I quit pointing out Kay's lies years ago but her brother never stopped. Pointing things out to her only caused her ugliness to come out. She owned none of her lying. Maybe she believed her lies.

    I am glad that things went okay. Blessings.
     
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  4. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Thank you JayPee, It does wear on self worth when being laughed at. Growing older is a gift denied to many. I can remember being 37 years old and never would want to harm anyone on purpose or hurt their feelings.. I just don't see what is gained by that kind of behavior. So sad. I am just grateful for no major blow outs.
     
  5. newstart

    newstart Active Member

     
  6. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    in my opinion friends are sometimes family.
     
  7. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...

    You know that's why it's important for us to surround ourselves with good friends, good family etc. What I believe happens otherwise is we fall into their vortex. We little by little start to believe their criticisms and degrading remarks. We start to lose grip on reality. We get "sucked in".
     
  8. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I'm sorry to hear that your daughter was mean to you in that way. That is how I see it, it's just mean.

    I, too, long for a close "normal" family because I grew up in a home that was not normal - mother drank a lot and my father would get physical with her (think oil and water), police would be called etc. I was raised like an only child because the children my mother had from her first marriage were much older and out of the house. It was very lonely.

    In some ways, living with my son's addiction behaviors was reliving my not so happy childhood which made it extremely difficult. I had to let go of him and that was the last thing that I wanted to do.

    The moral of the story is that I have many many wonderful friends that are like sisters to me. I surrounded myself with people that make me laugh and make me feel loved.

    That is what we all need to do to make up for the things that we cannot fix in our lives. Be good to yourself.

    Hugs.
     
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  9. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    RN, I know how hard it had to be for you to see toxic behaviors in your son after seeing it in your first family.. It is a pattern we just don't want to relive. I too suround myself with people who are kind and loving and when they change and became mean, I am quick at letting them go.
     
  10. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    One of my good sons kept critisizing me for various things till one day i just answered one of his criticisisms, i quietly replyed that in his eyes i could do no right so i didnt really care what he thought. His attitude has changed considerably.
    I realize that mental issues may mean the effect might be less dramatic but i feel what i did was to set a boundary. If you can't do anything but be criticle then i don't want to hear your opinion.
    I agree with others about taking her on any other trips and if she asks why just say i feel i need a vacation where i feel those around me appreciate me. You deserve that. This is just my opinion.
     
  11. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Thank you Triedntrue And you are so right. I really deserve to be around others that are kind and respectful. I see families that get along (I know many do not) and I want so desperately to be one of those families that get along. The love, joy, harmony, connective vibe and sister hood I felt with my grandmother and her sister my great aunt was so enriching to my life, I keep trying to get that back..I do get that to a certain degree with my friends. In the past 3 years I have lost all my best friends to death, they were not old either and I am trying to get that back but good friendships take time. I feel grateful to have my friend S. Our friendship is developing nicely and I feel some sisterhood with her. The hard part about my daughter is that sometimes she can be ok and I get my hopes up that someday we can have a decent honest relationshp. Maybe when I am 105 and she is 85 we can finally work things out.
    Triedntrue, I hope things are going well for you. I know your son is the same age as my daughter.
     
  12. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    Thank you newstart. He is in jail at the moment. At least he has shelter and food for the time being. I have tried to detach as much as possible. It is up to him now.
     
  13. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I just read "Long Way Home" by Cameron Douglas. I think it is a good book for moms of addicts or those in jail to read.

    It was really good. That is Michael Douglas's son from his first marriage.

    He was very entitled and it just explains his struggles with addiction, being incarcerated for 7 years and how it affected his family etc.
     
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  14. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    Thank you i will look it up.