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Bah Humbug 2
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 395329" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>I am so sorry. The Bah Humbug Bug has bitten me this year too.</p><p> </p><p>PLEASE do NOT read too much into what your daughter is saying and doing. Looking back at that age, most of the women I know did something similarly out of character and uncalled for. Not always about the holidays, but at some point - usually at a point that had meaning for the family. It is a way of asserting her independence while KNOWING, deep down on a soul deep level, that you will love her no matter how she behaves. She is at an age when a boyfriend becomes very influential and often the boyfriend's family is given a LOT more "good" behavior than the family is because she doesn't know quite how to create whatever it is that she needs at this stage, and she knows that if she isn't on best behavior with boyfriend's family it could have a LOT of impact on the later relationship. I hope that makes sense.</p><p> </p><p>I am quite sure you did NOT pressure her into doing too much in past years. She likely put a great deal of pressure on herself, and still feels that personal pressure though she wants to spend all her time with boyfriend and not her family. Your request for an evening was NOT out of line. in my humble opinion she may need a reminder that you are NOT running a boarding house or hotel, that she is part of the family, receives many benefits as part of the family AND has responsibilities to the family. Setting healthy boundaries is important, esp if she is reaping all the bennies of family and not contributing. </p><p> </p><p>I hope you can work out something that will let you both enjoy the holidays. Surely there is a way to schedule things so she can see her boyfriend's family and your family. Maybe letting her bring the boyfriend to the family gathering would be good.</p><p> </p><p>Don't worry too much about her future with this guy. Most of the people I know dated someone at around her age that our parents did NOT like. My family HATED the guy I was dating, esp my mother. In time your daughter will wise up. Until then, hold your tongue when you want to criticize him, make nice (as much as you can - it will take away the "forbidden" allure), and try to work out a compromise.</p><p> </p><p>If your daughter refuses to spend any time with you over the holidays, you may want to limit some of the benefits she gets as a member of the family. Whether it is car use, paying for something, even locking the doors after a set hour and not opening them for her if that is your choice, she likely does need to see that there are responsibilities that go with privileges. </p><p> </p><p>If you haven't read Parenting Teens with love and logic, it might be helpful as you figure out logical, natural consequences to help you through this stressful time.</p><p> </p><p>Lots of hugs - she is lucky to have a mom like you - and in a couple of years she will know it!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 395329, member: 1233"] I am so sorry. The Bah Humbug Bug has bitten me this year too. PLEASE do NOT read too much into what your daughter is saying and doing. Looking back at that age, most of the women I know did something similarly out of character and uncalled for. Not always about the holidays, but at some point - usually at a point that had meaning for the family. It is a way of asserting her independence while KNOWING, deep down on a soul deep level, that you will love her no matter how she behaves. She is at an age when a boyfriend becomes very influential and often the boyfriend's family is given a LOT more "good" behavior than the family is because she doesn't know quite how to create whatever it is that she needs at this stage, and she knows that if she isn't on best behavior with boyfriend's family it could have a LOT of impact on the later relationship. I hope that makes sense. I am quite sure you did NOT pressure her into doing too much in past years. She likely put a great deal of pressure on herself, and still feels that personal pressure though she wants to spend all her time with boyfriend and not her family. Your request for an evening was NOT out of line. in my humble opinion she may need a reminder that you are NOT running a boarding house or hotel, that she is part of the family, receives many benefits as part of the family AND has responsibilities to the family. Setting healthy boundaries is important, esp if she is reaping all the bennies of family and not contributing. I hope you can work out something that will let you both enjoy the holidays. Surely there is a way to schedule things so she can see her boyfriend's family and your family. Maybe letting her bring the boyfriend to the family gathering would be good. Don't worry too much about her future with this guy. Most of the people I know dated someone at around her age that our parents did NOT like. My family HATED the guy I was dating, esp my mother. In time your daughter will wise up. Until then, hold your tongue when you want to criticize him, make nice (as much as you can - it will take away the "forbidden" allure), and try to work out a compromise. If your daughter refuses to spend any time with you over the holidays, you may want to limit some of the benefits she gets as a member of the family. Whether it is car use, paying for something, even locking the doors after a set hour and not opening them for her if that is your choice, she likely does need to see that there are responsibilities that go with privileges. If you haven't read Parenting Teens with love and logic, it might be helpful as you figure out logical, natural consequences to help you through this stressful time. Lots of hugs - she is lucky to have a mom like you - and in a couple of years she will know it! [/QUOTE]
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