Becareful what you ask for!!!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by mog, Sep 8, 2009.

  1. mog

    mog Member

    Well we went the the triage today and boy was that a joke. There are so many changes going on over in the department that they don't know if they are coming or going. It all happened so fast it blows my mind. None of us really got to finish a sentence. We did not get to express our concerns about the jpo not giving difficult child timely consequences (heck any for that matter). MST was there and her boss to try to figure out what is the next step because difficult child keeps pushing that he does not want to live with us (because he doesn't want the rules) and so they decided to go ahead a put him in treatment foster care. He has NO idea what that intales. He is going to loose so many privledges. Thay alwasy think the grass is greener on the other side but from what MST has told me he just opened a can of worms. He hasn't been compliant with our rules as you are aware since he ran away like two weeks ago. Keeps saying that the JPO gave him permission (yeah -he calls and leaves a message the the jpo gets them days later and NEVER returns a call to us). They now have stripped away what little authority we had left. MST says it will be a least two weeks before the move but in the mean time what are we supposed to do with him. I am worried about what all that will mean for difficult child but he is worse since he ran away. I dont thing that he understands what he has asked for. MST says that depending on the organization that approves him. It can be up to two weeks before we talk to him once he leaves. There are so many things that he is involved in trying to get caught up and I feel powerless to help him get where he needs to be. On one hand I am freaking out because I know how far he is in credits and if they dont find a home locally they will move him to a differnet school which is going to make him even farther behind-he wanted to do drivers ed , religous activities and gym. On the other hand it would be nice to have a break since the shelter situation didn't give us one and he is getting more agravated. I feel like I just signed my life papers away.:sad-very: He keeps saying he doesn't want to be here and he does not understand what he has really asked for. Becareful what you ask for you just might get it!!!!!!
  2. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    WOW! I just posted on the other thread.

    Sadly, it is possibly the best thing that could happen for him to go to a treatment foster home. He may not get the school or classes he wants. He will be in a public school most likely if there is not a bus to his regular school.

    They won't auth driver's ed. Truthfully he should NOT be behind the wheel of any vehicle. With his disregard for rules and limits and his anger and outbursts he is a recipe for a real tragedy. Someone will get hurt or killed and it probably won't be him, esp if he is abusing substances. And most kids who run away use illegal substances whenever they can.

    I doubt they will do much real treatment, but they should be more experienced with difficult children.

    Rather than this being the end for him, it just might be the beginning. Maybe this will be enough to make him straighten up and fly right. Chances are it will not, but you never know. There is always hope.

    The next 2 weeks you should concentrate on not engaging him. Who needs the battle? In a couple of weeks he will hopefully get the beginning of a rude awakening.

    PLEASE take this time to recuperate. To heal. To start going to al anon. Maybe to encourage your husband to try AA if he is drinking and locking you out of your room. Hopefully you can start to repair your relationship from the difficult child damage inflicted upon it.

    REconnect with your daughter. Make time to do something special with her. Even just having coffee in the morning or getting your nails done together. Something.

    Above all, be gentle and kind and forgiving of yourself. You are NOT at fault here. Your son is making bad decisions and will have to handle the consequences. You did not create this and you cannot fix it alone. Some kids just refuse to let us parent them. My own difficult child did this.

    Many hugs, and total support for whatever you do!
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well, I didnt go read your update but I have been following your saga even if I havent been posting to you. I had been hoping the MST would be helping you, but sadly I think they got to you and your difficult child too late in the game. Your difficult child was too old I think. They think they know it all at 16 and 17.

    I dont think a Treatment Foster Care program is going to do a darned thing but house him either at this point. My son had to go into one after coming out of a Residential Treatment Center (RTC) at 16 and it was a joke. I know there are some excellent ones because I have seen some in action but they have been with younger kids.

    Last but not least, the delay in the consequences in completely normal and one of the things that bugged me to death. It is a problem even in the world of adult legal system. They get in trouble, get arrested and then the court date isnt until months later. By then, they have completely forgotten what they have done. My son is on probation for something he did two years ago. He will be on it for two more years. He didnt go to trial for a year after he did it.
  4. mog

    mog Member

    I am so sad . I feel like such a failure! I spent all day in bed and even now am still in my PJs with most of the lights out. I wish I could spend some time with easy child but she is in college now -she was home this weekend but we didn't get to see her. husband just gets mad when I start crying so i go back to lay down. WE were suppose to meet with jpo , mst , school case manager and us to get on the same page while they decided where to put him but jpo had an emx and the meeting didnt happen. So I am just waiting and crying.
  5. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Hang in there. I know it is very, very hard but you have to just hang on and get thru every day the best you can. I cried every day for at least a month after my son was committed to state Department of Juvenile Justice and I still have horrible days, but it does get better and easier. I agree that the foster home might not be able to improve things for your son so try to come to terms with it if he does get committed at some point down the road.

    Do an online search about your state Department of Juvenile Justice. You will be able to answer a lot of questions about your worst fears. This is where I found out a lot of laws about it, and of course, now that my son is in and I hear from him and see that he's ok, it's much better. That's all with the one exception of what happened to him this week, of course, but still, fortunately he is ok.
  6. Star*

    Star* call 911


    Well - how about a slightly different outcome of a similar situation?

    Dude was and probably still could be one of the worst kids to ever be a part of this board family. My only saving grace is that he has not been involved in drugs or alcohol abuse. But where one abuse lacks the others certainly made up for it. Belive me.

    At 16 life here at our home was so horrible and his behavior was so out of control with running away, defiant behaviors, destruction of property, theft, etc...that he was hauled into jail. He was brought up on felony charges, conspiracy charges -too many counts to list. He tried to commit suicide and from there was taken to jail. He spent three months and 4 days there. While in jail - he tried to commit suicide again. When he went to court he was given probation, huge fines and a warning. He was sent home. Not our choice. Fifteen minutes after he got home the fun began. The attitude the nastiness, the I will not do this, that, the language, the stereo, thumping, bumping...I got called at work. It was h.e.c.k. on earth - in () much time he had proved he hated us. Then he told us, then he called his caseworker and said "get me the H out of here." Nice. I was hospitalized for a stroke over his arrest - and this is how he treats us after we go every Wed. night to visitation taking him money for candy, soda and stamps for letters? Bull.

    So we called the caseworker too and said - Get him out of here TOMORROW or we're putting him out. It took 2 weeks, and in that time I thought I would never make it. I had holes put in my wall, I cried, our family screamed and yelled all the time. He wouldn't listen, never helped with one single thing, ate us out of house and home and went RIGHT back to the same neighborhood the judge told him to stay away from. Two weeks later he threw his clothes in a trash bag, walked out of the house, never looked at me or his Dad and got into the state car and said "See ya" real smart like, slammed the door and once in the car said "I'm so F'ing glad to be the F out of there you don't even know - DRIVE."

    He went to stay in a group home that was horrid. It was 130 miles from us in the mountains and while there he wasn't fed, they let him get hit by a car twice, his things were stolen, he had no supervision, he didn't get to go to school, the closest town was almost 20 miles, and there was no job, no money for him, and no way to go anywhere or do anything. All what we were told he would have? A lie. They basically gave him a mattress to sleep and a roof with 8 other boys and water - not even plumbing or clean clothes. He was accused of getting into trouble there and got arrested again. The charges would later be dropped, and we did go and get him, but Thanksgiving, Christmas, and all the other holidays - even his birthday were spent - there....alone...with no gifts...nothing. When he could get a call out on a holiday (phone was locked up) I would remind him this is what he wanted - FREEDOM. Enjoy it. Then I would hang up and bawl. That's the part of being a Mom that stinks - when you teach them that you are detaching it hurts you more, but teaches them a lesson for life.

    We did get him out of jail on the bogus charges, and had the group home shut down. It was full of cockroaches and the owner was later found to be smoking crack. Not typical of group homes I assure you. They even abused their animals. Although two weeks later the home with a fresh coat of paint and bug spray, a few cheap mattresses and a dumpster full of junk reopened under a friends name. Nice - way to go S.C.

    From there - the state placed him into Therapeutic Foster Care or TFC here in South Carolina. I will always set MY standards high because that's just me. Nothing will ever be done the way I would do it or to my liking. I don't see eye to eye with the way the foster family does things nor do I agree with their lifestyle or family ethics. However - Dude is fairly close to our home -12 miles. He's been there almost 2 years. He has had opportunities to move and is now 19, but chooses not to for his own reasons - going back to school, being close to home, not knowing if a new TFC would be worse and the foster agencies lack of want to put a "white" kid with a "black" foster neighborhood. (their words not mine).

    While it's not perfect and like I said not my ideals for Dude he's close enough to home to be close and far enough away for me to have been able to continue therapy the first year he was there, and take him with us...and for him to be independent to a point and me not be in his business 24/7. It's like detachment with crutches for him. For the last 6 months he's (for the 1st time in his life) come to terms with the facts that he has NO education, that he needs a job, that he's no longer a child, has made some friends, found a church, wants to go to college, understands that stealing is not a way of life, getting in trouble with the law takes all your money for probation and fines and you have to work like a dog to make money and then it's no fun to give it all to the state because you worked really hard for all that money and then you have none left - dang, and that your parents really aren't dummies after all. Really? Wow.

    I've gotten more I love you's in the last 6 months than i have in the last six years. No joke. I've also had more hope - then less hope then more hope - so I know the roller coaster ride isn't over - but I feel or at least have stopped holding my breath for loop de loops. I see bits of maturity and I'm not afraid to tell people.

    Don't get me wrong - the boy is still who he is. He gets moody, sullen, can be a down right jerk. But at least I see moments of clarity with him and I think some of the counseling from years gone by has paid off. I never thought I'd tell anyone that. I also thought I would never tell anyone that TFC was a good thing either - but at some point you have to ask yourself - would he be better off in jail or foster care? And I'm not telling you either that he hasn't been arrested since he's been in foster care...because like I said he is who he is - and he was a BIG DUMMY - but..

    I'm hoping for your son that TFC gets him a foster family that doesn't just warehouse him for the money - AND the other thing is - we are the exception to the rule - because - we DO visit the foster family. So you CAN do that too. There is no rule that says you can't go there eventually to pick him up - or visit. Not for at least a month - but eventually.

    Hope something in this note gives you hope - because I was where you were with the crying and the pj's and the burning heart, and tight throat, feeling like a failure - and honey - you can feel and cry all that now - and it's natural to feel like that...get it out. Cry it out....go kick a tree....throw a pillow - scream into it if you need to. Then tell yourself it's going to be what it will be regardless of whether you cry, smile, laugh, rise above it, mope, be angry or get past it. I figured - heck I may as well make the most of it and be the best I can be for the people around me that DO want my time and attention and when my son decides to join the family again? I'll be ahead of the game...and hopefully he won't have EMO-Mom. ;)

    It's gonna be okay Mom. Have your cry and then get down to business being the best PERSON you can be for those around you and yourself.

    Your son has made his decisions - now let him live with those choices and figure out things on his own for a change. You'll be amazed what he can do without your help. He is after all - your kid. He's no dummy.

    Hugs Star
  7. mog

    mog Member

    Thank you star* --are you sure we are not sharing the same kid!!! So much of what you wrote is exactly what my difficult child is doing. Are they ALL made from the same mold and where is it so we can destroy it!!!!!
  8. cindygirl

    cindygirl New Member

    Well at least in the states they are willing to put him in a state home. Here in Canada they just let them move out on their own and take no responsibility for the consequences. They were going to let our 16 year old daughter move in with a criminal that was out on parole. They were going to work with her to make sure that she didn't invalidate his parole conditions. When she moved in with 6 adults (2 severe schizophrenics) there was up to 32 teenagers staying there. At least you have the hope that a responsible vetted adult will be looking out for your son. Hugs