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Parent Emeritus
Been a long time.... things are still bad unfortunately!
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 600854" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Oh boy Winnie, I am so sorry you have had all of this on your plate for so long, whew, what a remarkably challenging path you've been on. I have to acknowledge you for taking this on when he is not your bio son, God bless you for that, you have done an exemplary job, and if there is a notch above exemplary, you've actually done that...............and your husband too. I wish I could wave a wand over both of you and proclaim this experience officially over so you both could let go and rest and not think you have more to do. </p><p></p><p>I have empathy for husband beating himself up over his son's behaviors, I've done that, I know many of us have done that, but it does nothing but offer suffering...........tell that to husband, he did everything he could possibly do and now it's time to accept what is, forgive yourself for any real or IMAGINED wrong doings or responsibilities and let go. At some point there is a time when you have to say to yourself,<em> I have done enough, I am done.</em> I hope you and your husband have received counseling and professional help along the way to keep yourself supported,.......... this is a horribly draining, devastating path to be on without support,.......... having someone to be there for YOU TWO, giving you reality checks and making sure you really understand that you've done all you can do is, in my opinion, essential.</p><p></p><p>You know that statistically speaking there is a high percentage of folks diagnosed with Bipolar and in fact many different mental illnesses who are <em>not</em> medication compliant, often make extremely poor choices not in the realm of reality and bring much pain to their families with their choices and behaviors,............ so you are on a treacherous path with your son, he is likely to continue this behavior until he meets the streets or the law, whichever one comes first. </p><p></p><p>You have been living in a kind of hell few people can really understand. Being on the inside of mental illness lends itself to much self doubt, self searching, trying and trying to find answers and fix it, when sometimes <em>there really is nothing we can do.</em> And that level of powerlessness for us parents is very, very difficult to accept. But not accepting it is even more crazy-making.</p><p></p><p>Whether your husband spends the trust money for your sons needs or not isn't going to matter much in the big picture, as you said, "and then what?" husband may need some serious counseling to get behind detachment, it sounds as if you have a better handle on it then he does. He is not responsible for this and he is going to run out of options to help at some point and will be faced with some difficult choices,............ having a professional to assist when those choices arise will help enormously. </p><p></p><p>You've made a very good choice in removing difficult child from your home so you can be safe. Detachment comes in stages, you may want to read the article at the bottom of my post and print it out for your husband too. Gosh I feel bad for you guys, as you know, I have had my own connections with mentally ill folks so I really understand the level of chaos and despair this brings and I imagine what you wrote is only the tip of iceberg too. Hang in there, you're doing an excellent job, you're making healthy choices,........... sometimes we can't save them from themselves no matter how hard we try. Your husband is not superman, I am not superwoman, but I know how much we want to be to help our kids. Letting go is so hard, but it is absolutely necessary too. </p><p></p><p>*You may need help in "preparing" your husband for the almost inevitable outcome, don't take that on by yourself, get help so you two can heal from this, so you can find comfort and be heard and understood and helped to really understand that you will be coming to a point where there truly is nothing more you can do. I am really sorry.</p><p></p><p> Keep posting Winnie, let us know how it's going, we understand just how monstrous this is for you..........I'm sending you many gentle and understanding hugs..............and wishing you peace.................</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 600854, member: 13542"] Oh boy Winnie, I am so sorry you have had all of this on your plate for so long, whew, what a remarkably challenging path you've been on. I have to acknowledge you for taking this on when he is not your bio son, God bless you for that, you have done an exemplary job, and if there is a notch above exemplary, you've actually done that...............and your husband too. I wish I could wave a wand over both of you and proclaim this experience officially over so you both could let go and rest and not think you have more to do. I have empathy for husband beating himself up over his son's behaviors, I've done that, I know many of us have done that, but it does nothing but offer suffering...........tell that to husband, he did everything he could possibly do and now it's time to accept what is, forgive yourself for any real or IMAGINED wrong doings or responsibilities and let go. At some point there is a time when you have to say to yourself,[I] I have done enough, I am done.[/I] I hope you and your husband have received counseling and professional help along the way to keep yourself supported,.......... this is a horribly draining, devastating path to be on without support,.......... having someone to be there for YOU TWO, giving you reality checks and making sure you really understand that you've done all you can do is, in my opinion, essential. You know that statistically speaking there is a high percentage of folks diagnosed with Bipolar and in fact many different mental illnesses who are [I]not[/I] medication compliant, often make extremely poor choices not in the realm of reality and bring much pain to their families with their choices and behaviors,............ so you are on a treacherous path with your son, he is likely to continue this behavior until he meets the streets or the law, whichever one comes first. You have been living in a kind of hell few people can really understand. Being on the inside of mental illness lends itself to much self doubt, self searching, trying and trying to find answers and fix it, when sometimes [I]there really is nothing we can do.[/I] And that level of powerlessness for us parents is very, very difficult to accept. But not accepting it is even more crazy-making. Whether your husband spends the trust money for your sons needs or not isn't going to matter much in the big picture, as you said, "and then what?" husband may need some serious counseling to get behind detachment, it sounds as if you have a better handle on it then he does. He is not responsible for this and he is going to run out of options to help at some point and will be faced with some difficult choices,............ having a professional to assist when those choices arise will help enormously. You've made a very good choice in removing difficult child from your home so you can be safe. Detachment comes in stages, you may want to read the article at the bottom of my post and print it out for your husband too. Gosh I feel bad for you guys, as you know, I have had my own connections with mentally ill folks so I really understand the level of chaos and despair this brings and I imagine what you wrote is only the tip of iceberg too. Hang in there, you're doing an excellent job, you're making healthy choices,........... sometimes we can't save them from themselves no matter how hard we try. Your husband is not superman, I am not superwoman, but I know how much we want to be to help our kids. Letting go is so hard, but it is absolutely necessary too. *You may need help in "preparing" your husband for the almost inevitable outcome, don't take that on by yourself, get help so you two can heal from this, so you can find comfort and be heard and understood and helped to really understand that you will be coming to a point where there truly is nothing more you can do. I am really sorry. Keep posting Winnie, let us know how it's going, we understand just how monstrous this is for you..........I'm sending you many gentle and understanding hugs..............and wishing you peace................. [/QUOTE]
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Been a long time.... things are still bad unfortunately!
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