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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 612365" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Welcome DoneDad. I'm sorry you're facing this so close to your retirement, it sure is a conflicted set of circumstances. Can you have your daughter drug tested so you know if she's using or not? If she is, has anyone considered adoption? She's 23, pregnant, doesn't do anything but party with her boyfriend and sleep. This is a recipe for disaster which will not change once the baby arrives. Are you prepared to raise this child? This seems monumentally unfair to you and something you aren't responsible for. I don't know why you would WANT to be self sacrificing, that is actually called enabling. Your daughter is an adult, she is responsible for her choices, not you. </p><p></p><p>I would have her drug tested immediately, do not believe her. If the baby is born addicted, she faces another set of problems which may fall into your lap so you have every right to demand a drug test, she's living in your home.</p><p></p><p>I am raising my granddaughter because my daughter is unable to, she is 17 now and I've had her since she's 11, but I have essentially been responsible for her since she was born. I love her fiercely, but let me tell you, it is hard. I am 64 years old and raising her altered my entire life. So, from my vantage point, here is my advice, open the conversation up for adoption. If that fails, figure out what your position is about all of this, talk to your wife, present a united front and YOU decide what is going to happen, NOT your daughter. She will take the free ride you offer so don't offer it. Once the baby arrives, in a short period of time, your daughter will need a job and to find a place to live. You will need to give a deadline for that, unless you're willing to have all of them live with you indefinitely.</p><p></p><p>If I were you I would get professional help for you and your wife. A therapist who can walk you through all the ins and outs so you can discover exactly what it is YOU want and then move forward. If you want to retire, then do that, there is nothing that says you are responsible for your daughters poor choices. Talk to your wife, talk to a therapist, make a plan of action immediately and then let your daughter know that that is. Once the baby arrives it will get stickier because you will bond with the child. So figure out what is going to happen before the baby is born. And remember, if you allow this to go further the way it is, there could be MORE children down the line, it doesn't mean it will end here, many of these kids just keep having babies...........you've got to figure it out NOW and come up with a solution that works for you and your wife. Your daughter is apparently not capable of making healthy choices so it's going to be up to you. </p><p></p><p>Read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post. Find help to learn how to detach. Go to a Families anonymous group or a narc anon group or a codependency group, keep yourselves very well supported so you can figure out what you really want to do. DO NOT be self sacrificing, do not rescue her anymore, you deserve YOUR life, you deserve your retirement to be peaceful, you do NOT HAVE to raise this baby. </p><p></p><p>This is all very hard, I understand that, so get yourself some help so you can make choices based on what it is that YOU want. Once our adult kids are adults they are supposed to go off into their own lives, they are supposed to launch out of our homes, but substance abusers don't do that and your daughter is a substance abuser so you are dealing with a whole different set of rules. </p><p></p><p>I wish you peace. Keep posting it helps. I'm sorry you are going through this, I know how hard it is.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 612365, member: 13542"] Welcome DoneDad. I'm sorry you're facing this so close to your retirement, it sure is a conflicted set of circumstances. Can you have your daughter drug tested so you know if she's using or not? If she is, has anyone considered adoption? She's 23, pregnant, doesn't do anything but party with her boyfriend and sleep. This is a recipe for disaster which will not change once the baby arrives. Are you prepared to raise this child? This seems monumentally unfair to you and something you aren't responsible for. I don't know why you would WANT to be self sacrificing, that is actually called enabling. Your daughter is an adult, she is responsible for her choices, not you. I would have her drug tested immediately, do not believe her. If the baby is born addicted, she faces another set of problems which may fall into your lap so you have every right to demand a drug test, she's living in your home. I am raising my granddaughter because my daughter is unable to, she is 17 now and I've had her since she's 11, but I have essentially been responsible for her since she was born. I love her fiercely, but let me tell you, it is hard. I am 64 years old and raising her altered my entire life. So, from my vantage point, here is my advice, open the conversation up for adoption. If that fails, figure out what your position is about all of this, talk to your wife, present a united front and YOU decide what is going to happen, NOT your daughter. She will take the free ride you offer so don't offer it. Once the baby arrives, in a short period of time, your daughter will need a job and to find a place to live. You will need to give a deadline for that, unless you're willing to have all of them live with you indefinitely. If I were you I would get professional help for you and your wife. A therapist who can walk you through all the ins and outs so you can discover exactly what it is YOU want and then move forward. If you want to retire, then do that, there is nothing that says you are responsible for your daughters poor choices. Talk to your wife, talk to a therapist, make a plan of action immediately and then let your daughter know that that is. Once the baby arrives it will get stickier because you will bond with the child. So figure out what is going to happen before the baby is born. And remember, if you allow this to go further the way it is, there could be MORE children down the line, it doesn't mean it will end here, many of these kids just keep having babies...........you've got to figure it out NOW and come up with a solution that works for you and your wife. Your daughter is apparently not capable of making healthy choices so it's going to be up to you. Read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post. Find help to learn how to detach. Go to a Families anonymous group or a narc anon group or a codependency group, keep yourselves very well supported so you can figure out what you really want to do. DO NOT be self sacrificing, do not rescue her anymore, you deserve YOUR life, you deserve your retirement to be peaceful, you do NOT HAVE to raise this baby. This is all very hard, I understand that, so get yourself some help so you can make choices based on what it is that YOU want. Once our adult kids are adults they are supposed to go off into their own lives, they are supposed to launch out of our homes, but substance abusers don't do that and your daughter is a substance abuser so you are dealing with a whole different set of rules. I wish you peace. Keep posting it helps. I'm sorry you are going through this, I know how hard it is. [/QUOTE]
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