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General Parenting
Been a while, need some encouragement, tips
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<blockquote data-quote="TiredSoul" data-source="post: 602206" data-attributes="member: 3930"><p>Rewards and punishments work great for typical kids. Not at all for my difficult child. A reward will not make him suddenly have the skills he needs to behave appropriately. Too many times of not being able to earn the reward (with-o gaining the lacking skills) will only damage his self esteem, cause depression, etc.</p><p></p><p>Maybe adjusting your expectations of what this "special needs" kid is capable of might help. Have you heard of Ross Greene? His theory is "kids do well if they CAN" - not kids do well if they want to. He most likely WANTS to and CAN'T because he is lacking the skills he needs to do so. Who wants to be in trouble all the time? Who wants punishment over reward? You cannot expect the same from him as the other typical children. If you are worried about fairness - talk to the other kids about it. "Fair" does not mean "same". This child already knows he is different and can't seem to behave appropriately to stay out of trouble. </p><p></p><p>His medications could be making him worse. I always say I want to try something other than the stimulants but it's so bad without them we never do. I am worried about adding an SSRI. It's a difficult thing.</p><p></p><p>Does he have anxiety? Does he need to feel in control? Can you get creative and find ways to help him feel in control (of certain things) and/or ways to lessen his anxiety?</p><p></p><p>About the sleep over you referenced - I probably would have done the same as your girlfriend (went and got it) but making him come home would not teach him not to do that again. It would a typical child - but he is not typical. Maybe the natural consequence of mom coming over and interrupting his fun and taking it away was enough. How to make sure it doesn't happen again - lock it up. Take the temptation away.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="TiredSoul, post: 602206, member: 3930"] Rewards and punishments work great for typical kids. Not at all for my difficult child. A reward will not make him suddenly have the skills he needs to behave appropriately. Too many times of not being able to earn the reward (with-o gaining the lacking skills) will only damage his self esteem, cause depression, etc. Maybe adjusting your expectations of what this "special needs" kid is capable of might help. Have you heard of Ross Greene? His theory is "kids do well if they CAN" - not kids do well if they want to. He most likely WANTS to and CAN'T because he is lacking the skills he needs to do so. Who wants to be in trouble all the time? Who wants punishment over reward? You cannot expect the same from him as the other typical children. If you are worried about fairness - talk to the other kids about it. "Fair" does not mean "same". This child already knows he is different and can't seem to behave appropriately to stay out of trouble. His medications could be making him worse. I always say I want to try something other than the stimulants but it's so bad without them we never do. I am worried about adding an SSRI. It's a difficult thing. Does he have anxiety? Does he need to feel in control? Can you get creative and find ways to help him feel in control (of certain things) and/or ways to lessen his anxiety? About the sleep over you referenced - I probably would have done the same as your girlfriend (went and got it) but making him come home would not teach him not to do that again. It would a typical child - but he is not typical. Maybe the natural consequence of mom coming over and interrupting his fun and taking it away was enough. How to make sure it doesn't happen again - lock it up. Take the temptation away. [/QUOTE]
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