Been along time ~

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Im a Believer, Apr 22, 2009.

  1. Im a Believer

    Im a Believer New Member

    I just found out today one of my younger children's friend's family took in my 21 year old -he recently was evicted from his apartment - Refuses to work ~ In deep debt ~ violent ~ has stolen from me and left my home a year ago after he attacked one of my younger sons and my husband (his stepfather).

    The man of this family showed up at my home reaming me up one side and down the other for not taking this 21 year old back in my home.

    "What kind of a mom am I" - "How can I call myself a Christian?" yada yada yada

    I know deep down this family will probably find out the hard way ~

    But I feel this guy set me back about 5 years in my recovery ~

    I am depressed - questioning if I have done enough - what kind of a mom am I-

    Just needing some words of encouragement from others that deal with the chaos of out of control teens (young adults).

    I'm thankful that this man does not know the pain I've had the past several years and I pray he never does.

    Guess the co-dependency is creeping back and I am worried what this guy thinks of me now.

    My younger son is still friends with his son ~

    Thanks for listening ~

  2. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Oh, this makes me angry at this guy! For Pete's sake, your son is 21 yrs old--even if he was a easy child kid why would you be obligated to have him live at your home? I think this guy will find out pretty quickly why you no longer will have your difficult child in your home.

    My difficult child 1 and her boyfriend convinced some couple to take them in a couple of years ago. My difficult child called to tell me where she was and that this couple were more "parents" to her than we had ever been. Well, a few weeks later they were kicked out by this couple and the "mom" was very angry with how difficult child and boyfriend took advantage of them. (I had gone with difficult child to get her clothing--the couple wouldn't let her in the house). I just said in amazement, "why would you take someone in you didn't even know?" The "mom" said that difficult child had told her she'd been kicked out and she felt sorry for her. I said, "did you ever think there might be a reason she was kicked out?" I sure didn't feel sorry for that couple!

    Please, please don't feel guilty and don't second guess yourself--these people will find out soon enough why you won't let difficult child live with you! I am so sorry you had to put up with this idiot coming to you and trying to lay all that on you--he has no clue what you have been through!

  3. Im a Believer

    Im a Believer New Member

    Jane ~ Thanks so much for your encouragment ~

    It is AMAZING how people nowadays listen/believe kids over adults ~

    I personally think there is alot more parental abuse that occurs today versus child abuse ~

    Hope things are going better for your family ~

    Have a WONDERFUL day!

  4. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    I've been in your shoes! You have just been verbally assaulted by a stranger, personally, I would slap that meddling SOB with a restraining order. Sorry your youngest is friends with this interloper's kid, this "perfect parent" will find out soon enough what your reality has looked like all these years of struggle. You did what you had to do to protect yourself, you shouldn't have to explain your decisions to ANYONE, least of all this stranger! I don't even know you and I'm fuming mad that this invasive jerk has hurt you.
  5. Im a Believer

    Im a Believer New Member

    Thank You Threeshadows ~
  6. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Im A Believer,
    Add another vote to the "you did nothing wrong, and you don't have to justify yourself to a stranger" pile. This man has NO IDEA what you went through with your difficult child and why you won't have him back in your home. He has no right to unload all over you.

    I agree, in time your difficult child will show his colours and that family will learn the truth the hard way. In the meantime, don't let that person's words hurt you.

    Lots of our difficult children have more charm than they know what to do with, and they know how to use that charm to manipulate people. Eventually they get their comeuppance. It just takes time.

    Sending many hugs your way.

  7. Im a Believer

    Im a Believer New Member

    Trinity ~ Hugs right back at you ~ You are all awesome!!Thanks for helping me get back on track!!
  8. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    When confronted with something like this I remember I don't answer to this man.
    I answer to myself, my God, and my husband. Everyone else will have to learn to deal.
    He made a choice to take your son in. It is his problem. difficult child doesn't need 2 father's and has decided the one at his home wasn't good enough. Hope this guy has a better result.
    We all know that if this man helps your difficult child you will be eternally grateful because a parent wants their child to find his way even if it is a bitter pill to swallow.

    Remember whose opinions have true meaning. It is not superficial acquaintances.
    Hang in there.
  9. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    This brings back memories.

    When Rob was transferred from the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) to the group home he also had to change therapists. The new guy was so holier-than-thou. He was convinced he could work miracles and that there was nothing wrong with Rob that a little *guidance* on his part would master.


    So I had to live through a few of the confrontations that you just had............before the honeymoon wore off and Rob showed his (then) true colors and this guy had to eat his words big time.

    Like Fran said, if this new arrangement works miracles for your son I'm sure you will be thrilled. My guess is that this guy will be skulking around pretty shortly, hoping you won't notice that he's an idiot.

  10. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I also have walked in your shoes and the bottom line is that this man hasn't. If he can turn your difficult child around TERRIFIC but I doubt it and from my experience he will soon be at your door demanding that you pay him back because he feels he's been victimized by your difficult child. When he does show up just say "I'm sorry you had to learn about my son in this way but now maybe you will know not to believe everything you are told". Then excuse yourself and close the door (both literally and figuratively). -RM
  11. Im a Believer

    Im a Believer New Member

    All of you on this forum are ABSOLUTLEY AWESOME ~

    I'm sorry that we all have to "meet" under the circumstances that we have in common but Thank God you are all here ~

    (((HUGS))) to each and every one of you ~ Judy

  12. Star*

    Star* call 911

    I sent you a PM due to religious thought content....


    ANY man who has to put YOU down to bring himself UP?

    Not much of a man at all.

    Not sure I can view it any other way. WE're all trying to do the best we can. None of us gets up in the morning and says to the mirror - WELL lets can I make this the worst POSSIBLE day in my life EVER? You like the rest of us - do what you can - learn where we lack knowledge and try hard at the end of the day to promise ourselves silently we'll do better tomorrow.
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Too bad you didn't think to say, "You'll find out in about three months if you haven't forced him to leave yet." And slammed the door in his face. Your son is 21. Some parents make their kids leave home at that age, even if they are well behaved. You didn't do anything wrong. Your son is an adult...and breaking the law.
  14. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I can actually feel my face getting hot having just read this post. I have been there done that with M, and with L as well. L had half of her high school teachers convinced that I was the cause of all of her problems, and she hadn't been to visit us in months. Dad who never came home and had five different girlfriends that year was a saint, but I was trash, apparently. Imagine the surprise I got when I called to find out how she was doing in school, and had the nerve to be upset when she had been absent the past 52 days, only to hear that the guidance counselor was frightened of me and wouldn't talk to me. Big surprise she dropped out of school a few weeks later. L may not have been 21, but she was making her own decisions, and there wasn't a darn thing I could do to change that. All you can do is step back and hope they don't mess it up too badly on their own.

    And with M, he went and moved in with some stranger, and we told her "He'll take advantage, he won't work, he won't go to school, and if his lips are moving, he's lying." What kind of a mom was I, anyway? That one was a hum-dinger, she put up with him for 18 months. Then she screamed at me for having forced him to live in her home. Huh? They all see such simple little solutions to the problems, and when it doesn't work for them they want to believe that it's someone else's fault because they don't want to admit that they got inhaled into some kid's drama.

    Don't rent this guy space in your head. He is involved with your difficult child now, and he will have to take the crash-course on co-dependency himself. I know it hurts. I'm sorry you have to go through this, it must have been a lousy day. You did well.
  15. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Yes I have the same situation sometimes and I feel so guilty until I tell the person that is questioning the things I do as a parent what is REALLYgoing on. I had this little old lady call the other day - saying my son had been to her door doing everything he could to survive - she gave him $3.00 and some orange juice and wanted me to call her - she continued to say "what is he going to do?" and "I felt so sorry for him", etc. I told her that we werent bad parents but that his drug abuse had caused problems for us for a very long time - she kinda perked up then - she said he was worth saving - that she could see it in his eyes - she was going to give him money for lawn work and ask him to bring her the receipts!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, his take was - mom what did you tell her? I just want money from her - you probably ruined it for me!!! He didnt care that she cared about him or felt sorry for him - he just wanted to use her. Unbelievable. I understand and that made me feel guilty for a little while but then I thought he hasnt been around her long enough.
  16. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    Judy, stay strong. Nobody from the outside has a clue what has gone on inside someone else's home. And anyone who hasn't had a difficult child to cope with won't have the faintest clue what we parents of difficult children have had to put up with.

    So let this guy think he is a saint and that he is going to "save" your son. And if he does, as Fran says, then you will be eternally grateful to him. But in the meantime, I am sure he will have learned a lesson or two.

    Be strong. You are not alone.


    Love, Esther
  17. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    Judy, I'm with the others. Your difficult child will show his true colors soon enough and the self-righteous jerk will belatedly realize that there was a reason difficult child wasn't living at home. I'm sorry you had to experience his verbal abuse, but at least you're forewarned now and don't have to open your door to him again. If he wants to apologize he can write you a letter!

    Please don't second-guess yourself. No one who doesn't have a difficult child knows anything about what we go through as parents. You are not just a good mom, you're an awesome mom for having gotten your difficult child this far.