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Been months since I've been on, but need support quick. CPS called, belt abuse
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 188780" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I do remember you, I've been wondering how you were getting on.</p><p></p><p>I have perhaps a different perspective on this but hear me out and don't jump on me too soon.</p><p></p><p>First - from the sound of things, things were going really well for difficult child, living with his dad and stepmother and still seeing you as much as you were. It sounds like there was a good system in place and his progress seems to have borne this out.</p><p></p><p>Next - OK, an Aussie perspective - who was the ****)& who saw this note (doodle?) as a threat, first and foremost, BEFORE talking to the kid and straightening out the situation? Because THIS seems to have triggered a major cascade of disasters. There are many ways to interpret that note, even if you assume the kid knew what "SOS" meant, which he says he didn't. He could have been making a fake note along the lines of, "I'm trapped at this school - get me out!" but never meant it to be found, nothing more than an idle doodle. We used to do that sort of thing all the time when we were kids. If my pencil case got spilled, I'm sure there were a lot of scraps of paper in there that could have got me into serious trouble, including sketches of my headmaster swinging on a gibbet (best place for him - and I say that looking back 45 years later). If only they had talked to difficult child about this FIRST... I get so cranky with things like this being perceived as serious threats at the slightest hint, when what we are doing by this is allowing fear to rule, when it shouldn't even have ANY headroom (not in this situation). A serious threat - that's different. But for pete's sake, get real! [addressed to the school officials here]</p><p></p><p>So that's the first thing the SCHOOL did wrong.</p><p></p><p>And now we have the cascade of disasters. A student who has a past history of struggling emotionally etc and who WAS making huge progress, is now set back. And on top of the school punishing him, he gets punished at home as well!??!? Why? Fair enough, get a talking-to at home. "What were you thinking?" But the situation that was working (apparently) so well, now is blown out of the water.</p><p></p><p>So that's the first thing DAD did wrong.</p><p></p><p>Then somewhere in there, dad decides son needs physical punishment. What the...? </p><p></p><p>WHAT HAPPENED TO TALKING TO THE KID? Find out WHY, then deal with THAT?</p><p></p><p>OK, people all around have fouled up BIG time. </p><p></p><p>It all started because difficult child scrawled something ambiguous on a piece of paper. All of this is WAY out of proportion.</p><p></p><p>Now, let's look at the whole scenario - yes, terrorism is something to fear. Was this potentially terrorism? Was it potentially a threat? Has any degree of threat been alleviated? At what cost?</p><p></p><p>We HAD a kid who seemed to have been turned around - a delicate situation still, bot looking positive. We now have a kid who is bruised, who feels that all his efforts will still put things back into bad places with the merest transgression (he probably still doesn't get exactly what he did that was so wrong) and a family situation which was positive, but is now full of mistrust, resentment, loss of face and a great deal of anger. Nothing learned there, either.</p><p></p><p>Very sad, all round.</p><p></p><p>Did you do the right thing, notifying CPS? It's a hard question; I think you really had no choice. And I am angry on your behalf, that you were forced into that position. I am also angry on your ex's behalf, that HE was put into that position by the school. I am angry WITH your ex and his wife as well though, because they STILL feel they did the right thing.</p><p></p><p>What a mess! And the degree of punishment, on all involved, is way out of proportion to the 'crime'. </p><p></p><p>He shouldn't have applied ANY physical punishment, let alone such a severe one; the school had applied punishment, that should have been enough. difficult child did not transgress against the home or family (apart from embarrassing them, perhaps?). </p><p></p><p>The school shouldn't have made such a huge mountain range out of an anthill. Again, they should have looked at the situation clearly, without the silly fear-mongering that in fact plays into the hands of genuine terrorists. </p><p></p><p>Punishment is pointless, if nothing is learned and no improvement gained. difficult child has not learned anything positive (except maybe what SOS really means! - and he could have learned THAT without even being suspended). Ex has learned nothing - if anything, his physical punishment methods have been vindicated. difficult child has learned something very negative - if someone does the wrong thing by you, and you try to set things right by telling someone, you will get punished even further.</p><p></p><p>I don't know how this would work, but for now I would look beyond the physical punishment problem and go back to the source of the problem - the initial fear response. That started it all. I could quote a number of similarly silly examples where a school responded with similar over-reaction without trying to sort it out at a lower level. If the school thinks they have "made an example" of difficult child and taught other kids to be careful also - forget it. It's highly likely that most of the other kids, while horrified at what has happened to difficult child, have simultaneously lost respect for a system which is blindly fear-based.</p><p></p><p>If only it were possible to sit down around the table and talk this out, everybody together. You, the ex (and stepmom), CPS, the school official. What is the best outcome for everybody? How should we have reacted? What do we do from here?</p><p></p><p>Punishment isn't the issue here. Not for difficult child, not for ex. What is needed here is education, compassion and positive progress.</p><p></p><p>Ex shouldn't be hitting, especially not with such force. He hasn't got this message. The school shouldn't be blindly suspending, not without trying to get to the bottom of things and maybe find a better way. If they had realised what would happen form this, I suspect (hope?) they would have given things more careful thought.</p><p>CPS need to get the message through to ex that hitting is wrong. Hitting WITH something (especially something to leave bruises like that) is not only old-fashioned, it is now a crime. It also is far less effective than was previously thought; we have better, more effective tools at our disposal. What is more terrifying as punishment for the child - the beating, or being made to write a letter of apology, then hand deliver it? At least a beating is over and done with in a minute. It also has nothing in context to the 'crime'. Having to write a letter - it directly relates to what difficult child did wrong, it takes him longer to do the task, he has to constantly think about what he did wrong, and what he has to do is directly related to trying to make things right again.</p><p></p><p>I hope some good can come out of this and difficult child can get back on the right track again.</p><p></p><p>I am not in your shoes - it's not MY son who has come home covered in bruising. I can't fathom how angry I would be, if I had seen MY son bruised like that. I don't know how you will be able to try to make some positive result form this mess. All I can suggest is to begin from a point of no more blame - just education, information, and strategies for the future, being brought in.</p><p></p><p>difficult child needs to learn to keep his doodles to himself and to be a bit more careful next time.</p><p></p><p>The school needs to learn to THINK and to investigate, before blindly panicking and punishing hard out of proportion; maybe punishing more appropriately in future (suspension is stupid - reward a difficult kid with a holiday from school? What does it teach?)</p><p></p><p>Ex needs to learn that beating is wrong.</p><p></p><p>Ex and stepmom need to learn that there ARE better ways.</p><p></p><p>CPS and police need to learn that there are better ways to respond and try to change a situation, even if they don't choose to punish.</p><p></p><p>You need to have confidence to do what you did, and to know that some positive outcome can result instead of the mess you're now in.</p><p></p><p>If you can begin (not because you have done anything wrong - you haven't) by acknowledging that ex HAS done a good job to date with difficult child, apart from this, and you would like to get things back to the same good heading somehow, despite all the damage that's been done by the system - maybe it could help. If along the way someone makes ex do an anger management course - good. Personally, I think he needs a parenting course first, to learn that there are better ways now. It sounds to me that ex's flaws are due to him thinking this is right, rather than simply lashing out in anger. It's the wrong thinking that needs fixing, not necessarily anger. Anger is still wrong, but more understandable. I am more worried by someone beating a child hard because they believe it is the right thing to do, and then having this view apparently vindicated by nobody pressing charges.</p><p>Punishment wouldn't necessarily teach ex anything. Being given more tools and supported in learning to use them - THAT surely would have more impact AND give a better outcome for everybody.</p><p></p><p>And surely that is what we want? For people to learn, so this won't happen again?</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 188780, member: 1991"] I do remember you, I've been wondering how you were getting on. I have perhaps a different perspective on this but hear me out and don't jump on me too soon. First - from the sound of things, things were going really well for difficult child, living with his dad and stepmother and still seeing you as much as you were. It sounds like there was a good system in place and his progress seems to have borne this out. Next - OK, an Aussie perspective - who was the ****)& who saw this note (doodle?) as a threat, first and foremost, BEFORE talking to the kid and straightening out the situation? Because THIS seems to have triggered a major cascade of disasters. There are many ways to interpret that note, even if you assume the kid knew what "SOS" meant, which he says he didn't. He could have been making a fake note along the lines of, "I'm trapped at this school - get me out!" but never meant it to be found, nothing more than an idle doodle. We used to do that sort of thing all the time when we were kids. If my pencil case got spilled, I'm sure there were a lot of scraps of paper in there that could have got me into serious trouble, including sketches of my headmaster swinging on a gibbet (best place for him - and I say that looking back 45 years later). If only they had talked to difficult child about this FIRST... I get so cranky with things like this being perceived as serious threats at the slightest hint, when what we are doing by this is allowing fear to rule, when it shouldn't even have ANY headroom (not in this situation). A serious threat - that's different. But for pete's sake, get real! [addressed to the school officials here] So that's the first thing the SCHOOL did wrong. And now we have the cascade of disasters. A student who has a past history of struggling emotionally etc and who WAS making huge progress, is now set back. And on top of the school punishing him, he gets punished at home as well!??!? Why? Fair enough, get a talking-to at home. "What were you thinking?" But the situation that was working (apparently) so well, now is blown out of the water. So that's the first thing DAD did wrong. Then somewhere in there, dad decides son needs physical punishment. What the...? WHAT HAPPENED TO TALKING TO THE KID? Find out WHY, then deal with THAT? OK, people all around have fouled up BIG time. It all started because difficult child scrawled something ambiguous on a piece of paper. All of this is WAY out of proportion. Now, let's look at the whole scenario - yes, terrorism is something to fear. Was this potentially terrorism? Was it potentially a threat? Has any degree of threat been alleviated? At what cost? We HAD a kid who seemed to have been turned around - a delicate situation still, bot looking positive. We now have a kid who is bruised, who feels that all his efforts will still put things back into bad places with the merest transgression (he probably still doesn't get exactly what he did that was so wrong) and a family situation which was positive, but is now full of mistrust, resentment, loss of face and a great deal of anger. Nothing learned there, either. Very sad, all round. Did you do the right thing, notifying CPS? It's a hard question; I think you really had no choice. And I am angry on your behalf, that you were forced into that position. I am also angry on your ex's behalf, that HE was put into that position by the school. I am angry WITH your ex and his wife as well though, because they STILL feel they did the right thing. What a mess! And the degree of punishment, on all involved, is way out of proportion to the 'crime'. He shouldn't have applied ANY physical punishment, let alone such a severe one; the school had applied punishment, that should have been enough. difficult child did not transgress against the home or family (apart from embarrassing them, perhaps?). The school shouldn't have made such a huge mountain range out of an anthill. Again, they should have looked at the situation clearly, without the silly fear-mongering that in fact plays into the hands of genuine terrorists. Punishment is pointless, if nothing is learned and no improvement gained. difficult child has not learned anything positive (except maybe what SOS really means! - and he could have learned THAT without even being suspended). Ex has learned nothing - if anything, his physical punishment methods have been vindicated. difficult child has learned something very negative - if someone does the wrong thing by you, and you try to set things right by telling someone, you will get punished even further. I don't know how this would work, but for now I would look beyond the physical punishment problem and go back to the source of the problem - the initial fear response. That started it all. I could quote a number of similarly silly examples where a school responded with similar over-reaction without trying to sort it out at a lower level. If the school thinks they have "made an example" of difficult child and taught other kids to be careful also - forget it. It's highly likely that most of the other kids, while horrified at what has happened to difficult child, have simultaneously lost respect for a system which is blindly fear-based. If only it were possible to sit down around the table and talk this out, everybody together. You, the ex (and stepmom), CPS, the school official. What is the best outcome for everybody? How should we have reacted? What do we do from here? Punishment isn't the issue here. Not for difficult child, not for ex. What is needed here is education, compassion and positive progress. Ex shouldn't be hitting, especially not with such force. He hasn't got this message. The school shouldn't be blindly suspending, not without trying to get to the bottom of things and maybe find a better way. If they had realised what would happen form this, I suspect (hope?) they would have given things more careful thought. CPS need to get the message through to ex that hitting is wrong. Hitting WITH something (especially something to leave bruises like that) is not only old-fashioned, it is now a crime. It also is far less effective than was previously thought; we have better, more effective tools at our disposal. What is more terrifying as punishment for the child - the beating, or being made to write a letter of apology, then hand deliver it? At least a beating is over and done with in a minute. It also has nothing in context to the 'crime'. Having to write a letter - it directly relates to what difficult child did wrong, it takes him longer to do the task, he has to constantly think about what he did wrong, and what he has to do is directly related to trying to make things right again. I hope some good can come out of this and difficult child can get back on the right track again. I am not in your shoes - it's not MY son who has come home covered in bruising. I can't fathom how angry I would be, if I had seen MY son bruised like that. I don't know how you will be able to try to make some positive result form this mess. All I can suggest is to begin from a point of no more blame - just education, information, and strategies for the future, being brought in. difficult child needs to learn to keep his doodles to himself and to be a bit more careful next time. The school needs to learn to THINK and to investigate, before blindly panicking and punishing hard out of proportion; maybe punishing more appropriately in future (suspension is stupid - reward a difficult kid with a holiday from school? What does it teach?) Ex needs to learn that beating is wrong. Ex and stepmom need to learn that there ARE better ways. CPS and police need to learn that there are better ways to respond and try to change a situation, even if they don't choose to punish. You need to have confidence to do what you did, and to know that some positive outcome can result instead of the mess you're now in. If you can begin (not because you have done anything wrong - you haven't) by acknowledging that ex HAS done a good job to date with difficult child, apart from this, and you would like to get things back to the same good heading somehow, despite all the damage that's been done by the system - maybe it could help. If along the way someone makes ex do an anger management course - good. Personally, I think he needs a parenting course first, to learn that there are better ways now. It sounds to me that ex's flaws are due to him thinking this is right, rather than simply lashing out in anger. It's the wrong thinking that needs fixing, not necessarily anger. Anger is still wrong, but more understandable. I am more worried by someone beating a child hard because they believe it is the right thing to do, and then having this view apparently vindicated by nobody pressing charges. Punishment wouldn't necessarily teach ex anything. Being given more tools and supported in learning to use them - THAT surely would have more impact AND give a better outcome for everybody. And surely that is what we want? For people to learn, so this won't happen again? Marg [/QUOTE]
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