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Thank you, Cedar.  Saying that my heart is 'tender and bruised' is a perfect way to sum it up.


Yes, I finally feel that what happened was the best course for all concerned.


The difficult part was digesting that my son could be capable of killing me.  It was surreal.  I refused to accept this horrendous fact until that night I heard him arguing with his voices about not wanting to kill me...then my internal survival instincts kicked in.  Even then, i had not fully accepted the reality.  I ran from the house like a deer would instinctively run from hunters. 


It wasn't until after 4 or 5 weeks therapy, that I even realized that the jagged bottle incident was a real attempt. My heart wanted to wholly believe and cling onto the notion that it was a 'joke' like my ill son had said.  I went to the courthouse for advice the next day, but it still did not register.  I shoved it down.


When their words or behavior are so foreign, our minds refuse to believe that our child, our past wonderful child, are capable of that abhorrent behavior.  Yes, drugs and/or mental illness takes over and alters our children's minds.


As parents, we want to 'fix' it and blame ourselves.  When my therapist told me, "Yes, you could have kept trying.  But, you could also be dead", it stopped me in my tracks.  It was a game changer.  No more want if's...


"You could be dead" was the last nail in the coffin, pun intended.


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