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Family of Origin
Being who we are, even if FOO is different and doesn't like it
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 672017" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Love is not weakness. You kept trying because you love her and did not want to face that your love could not work to help her. You hoped that she would respond. Belatedly we learned that it does not work.</p><p>I think that they mean it, but they know not how lost they are. Their thinking is disordered. But cannot be forgotten or forgiven. Not now and not yet.</p><p></p><p>I think we have to take seriously their words, not that our hearts break from it, but so that they learn that words count. That words hurt and they will be taken seriously. That everything they say or do to us will be taken seriously and responded too, seriously. (I am listening to myself here, too.)</p><p></p><p>In this way we show and demand respect for ourselves, not for them. They deserve to be treated civilly if they conduct themselves as such. No more.</p><p></p><p>The umbilical cord must be cut completely, not to our hearts, but to our responses. They are accountable for every single thing they say or do. That is what must change.</p><p></p><p>I agree a lot with D H--who I think said, give them what they want so that they leave us and our space alone. I think he is saying here, we are no longer responsible, nor are we obligated to sacrifice one iota that they learn.</p><p></p><p>I am thinking about what you have said, Cedar, that we owe them the truth, to speak directly what is correct, what we know is the right way to live.</p><p></p><p>I am thinking about this. I am wondering anymore if I agree. Of course, they are our children and will always be. But if a relationship is destroyed, can we honestly act as if it is not? Does maintaining a parental stance make sense within a relationship of contempt?</p><p></p><p>I am thinking that at the age my son is, just 27, this may make sense still. But past a point, no. And we are close to that point.</p><p></p><p>Then it is one adult to another. I think to continue to parent an adult child leads to contempt. Perhaps it might be founded upon contempt.</p><p></p><p>Perhaps my son and I are at this point now, where I have run out of giving. He will have to do it himself.</p><p></p><p>I told M's sister how I felt about my son coming home. She was appalled. Not in a blaming way, but it was not within her to understand a mother who felt as I did. Who did not want to have her child at home or even to go and see him.</p><p></p><p>I told her: I understand the limit is in me. That I get sick at even the idea of my son here with me. And she agreed. Yes, it is something in you.</p><p></p><p>I am very sad right now thinking about my Mother. How she tried and tried to be what I needed. Even letting our dog stay. If you knew my Mother and her house you would not believe this. But she did. And it was never enough for me.</p><p></p><p>She tried. Am I not capable of the same?</p><p></p><p>I do not know what it is in me. A Mexican mother, and Italian mother, a Jewish mother (which I am) is not supposed to feel this way. But I do. I am depleted.</p><p></p><p>M says I need to call my son and find out what he wants. That only with this, can we decide.</p><p></p><p>My son will be welcome at M's sister's for Thanksgiving. There is also the possibility of going to a Hot Springs and to stay the night there with or without him. It will be very expensive. $400 just to stay.</p><p></p><p>I think M's sister very much wants us to be with her and her family. I think I need to honor that.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 672017, member: 18958"] Love is not weakness. You kept trying because you love her and did not want to face that your love could not work to help her. You hoped that she would respond. Belatedly we learned that it does not work. I think that they mean it, but they know not how lost they are. Their thinking is disordered. But cannot be forgotten or forgiven. Not now and not yet. I think we have to take seriously their words, not that our hearts break from it, but so that they learn that words count. That words hurt and they will be taken seriously. That everything they say or do to us will be taken seriously and responded too, seriously. (I am listening to myself here, too.) In this way we show and demand respect for ourselves, not for them. They deserve to be treated civilly if they conduct themselves as such. No more. The umbilical cord must be cut completely, not to our hearts, but to our responses. They are accountable for every single thing they say or do. That is what must change. I agree a lot with D H--who I think said, give them what they want so that they leave us and our space alone. I think he is saying here, we are no longer responsible, nor are we obligated to sacrifice one iota that they learn. I am thinking about what you have said, Cedar, that we owe them the truth, to speak directly what is correct, what we know is the right way to live. I am thinking about this. I am wondering anymore if I agree. Of course, they are our children and will always be. But if a relationship is destroyed, can we honestly act as if it is not? Does maintaining a parental stance make sense within a relationship of contempt? I am thinking that at the age my son is, just 27, this may make sense still. But past a point, no. And we are close to that point. Then it is one adult to another. I think to continue to parent an adult child leads to contempt. Perhaps it might be founded upon contempt. Perhaps my son and I are at this point now, where I have run out of giving. He will have to do it himself. I told M's sister how I felt about my son coming home. She was appalled. Not in a blaming way, but it was not within her to understand a mother who felt as I did. Who did not want to have her child at home or even to go and see him. I told her: I understand the limit is in me. That I get sick at even the idea of my son here with me. And she agreed. Yes, it is something in you. I am very sad right now thinking about my Mother. How she tried and tried to be what I needed. Even letting our dog stay. If you knew my Mother and her house you would not believe this. But she did. And it was never enough for me. She tried. Am I not capable of the same? I do not know what it is in me. A Mexican mother, and Italian mother, a Jewish mother (which I am) is not supposed to feel this way. But I do. I am depleted. M says I need to call my son and find out what he wants. That only with this, can we decide. My son will be welcome at M's sister's for Thanksgiving. There is also the possibility of going to a Hot Springs and to stay the night there with or without him. It will be very expensive. $400 just to stay. I think M's sister very much wants us to be with her and her family. I think I need to honor that. COPA [/QUOTE]
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