In the actions you took Feeling, you were responsible to and for Son when he could no longer be responsible for himself. That was a horrific choice to have had to make. It took bravery to face and act on what you knew. I have learned that bravery in my choices or thinking or knowing I am right as rain does not touch the pain of it.
Or the horror.
But sometimes, miraculous things do occur. Like in really bad movies, where the sun breaks through rolling clouds and eyes meet and a smile is exchanged in a moment that is a timeless, separate thing.
I have had those moments with both my children and even, with my mother. I dream still of my father in the strangest ways. Not often, but when I do, I am very sure it was my father. Not mushy stuff, but enigmatic events that make no sense until the years have passed and the thing has unfolded.
So, given that none of us can know, we have to believe in Nietzsche and Dr Seuss and Halleluiah and let go and do our best.
I'm glad we are here, together.
When we are alone in our pain, we forget there is a way out.
***
I overheard daughter threaten to kill me once.
She was on the phone with someone else.
I made her sleep in my room that night. We had a waterbed. If she got up to get the gun, I would know.
D H was out of town.
But I remember that being popped out of time feeling.
I have never told D H that.
Cedar
