So, my son called.
And I was afraid to pick up the phone.
So, first I felt very cowardly. But then, I realized I am too newly in this new emotional and intellectual place to be certain of what it is I want him to know, and of how I want to present it. It is one thing to be angry here, sort of shooting off in a thousand directions, but I want to know what I am doing when I begin this new phase with my son.
So, I was right not to blast off without knowing where and how.
As I have been thinking about all of it this morning, I realized that it comes down to the same thing it did with my sister: I love you too much to love you this way.
I wanted to post about it, though not picking up when he called seems a failure, because we need to remember that it is best for all of us to be mindful, to take time, to be sure, and to stay focused. This morning, I was none of those things. When we burst through a denial place, there is a time of angry disbalance.
I am certain this is the right thing to do, and will post about it after I have spoken to my son.
Cedar
