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Family of Origin
Being who we are, even if FOO is different and doesn't like it
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 672157" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I am feeling down to earth today. What that means is that I did the best I could as a mother. All I could have done. I forgive myself whether or not it was enough or not.</p><p></p><p>I am me. My son is himself. I love him. That is it. My measure as a person is in me. His, in him.</p><p></p><p>I am not responsible anymore. I took responsibility too long. He is responsible now. Even for his own life. I think that is what really wore me out. I cannot be responsible for his life.</p><p>Perhaps here it is not that you stopped believing in him but in your control over him or responsibility for him. He is a free being now. No strings. No tether. No umbilical cord, either. Is this bad?</p><p>I do not see this. She is she. You are you.</p><p></p><p>I think your fear is the contempt. The sneer. The scorn.</p><p></p><p>Or maybe closer to the point it is the belief in perfection. In Elegance. Classicism. Rules. Formality.</p><p></p><p>Your mother believes I think that she knows and can assess and can deem whether or not any person meets a criterion. She has claimed ownership of judging whether one is in or outside the winner's circle.</p><p></p><p>Yours is a far different thing: You seek to be inside. You are waiting for the ring of success. You do not judge. You feel judged.</p><p></p><p>I do not believe you have really judged your son. You have wanted him to win. Perhaps, according to the criteria of your mother. But this is something that you can reassess. Because I think for these years you have been developing standards of your own. You already had them. Really. But I believe if you look back at your posts you will find laid out a Cedar Code. That is one hundred percent different from that of your mother. It is only yours to own.</p><p>I believe you already have. There is no more work to be done. You are already there. It is just a question of accepting it. Owning it.</p><p></p><p>You broke it. It is only now for you to see. Your mother was always wrong. About everything, I think. The world is not winners and losers. She cannot judge. She is an afraid person. She was afraid to play the game.</p><p></p><p>Going to the Greek Orthodox Priest would have been playing the game. She was afraid. She would not put herself to the test. She would not test her mettle. She balked. She blamed him.</p><p></p><p>She knows on some level she cannot do it. Or worse yet, that she probably could but that she might try, and lose. Imagine that kind of smallness? Sorry, Cedar. You are so much bigger than your mother.</p><p></p><p>You have always been in the ring. Your mother. Not so much.</p><p>Except in you. Look back at your work on the precept.</p><p></p><p>What is the saying? Chop wood, carry water. D H is a Buddhist.</p><p></p><p>This is how it is the same: Your mother cannot be allowed to hurt you. Your son cannot be allowed to hurt you.</p><p></p><p>Your son is in charge of himself and responsible for himself. If he believes his parents hurt him, let him be responsible for his belief. Not you.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p><p></p><p>PS I am thinking now about history and the different theories of history that I have read in the past.</p><p></p><p>The thing about history is that it is in the eyes of the beholder. It is always told according to the winner. That is why for the past 45 years there has been such an emphasis on Cultural Studies: Black Studies, Native Studies, Womens Studies, Diaspora Studies, etc.</p><p></p><p>In the USA this means the losers in the Culture Wars.</p><p></p><p>Your son or daughter and my own son can write whatever history they want. It does not make it so. I am thinking now of your mother and her glee that she controls the pictures...and can be the only one who can tell the story. Or my sister. I have the pictures. We'll have our own memorial. Let her kill me off. What does it matter?</p><p></p><p>Big Deal. It is like D H says: I'll be gone. What do I care.</p><p></p><p>We live our lives well. We have lived our lives well. Enough of all of the rest.</p><p></p><p>Being the winner is not all it is trumped up to be. I am now watching Donald Trump.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 672157, member: 18958"] I am feeling down to earth today. What that means is that I did the best I could as a mother. All I could have done. I forgive myself whether or not it was enough or not. I am me. My son is himself. I love him. That is it. My measure as a person is in me. His, in him. I am not responsible anymore. I took responsibility too long. He is responsible now. Even for his own life. I think that is what really wore me out. I cannot be responsible for his life. Perhaps here it is not that you stopped believing in him but in your control over him or responsibility for him. He is a free being now. No strings. No tether. No umbilical cord, either. Is this bad? I do not see this. She is she. You are you. I think your fear is the contempt. The sneer. The scorn. Or maybe closer to the point it is the belief in perfection. In Elegance. Classicism. Rules. Formality. Your mother believes I think that she knows and can assess and can deem whether or not any person meets a criterion. She has claimed ownership of judging whether one is in or outside the winner's circle. Yours is a far different thing: You seek to be inside. You are waiting for the ring of success. You do not judge. You feel judged. I do not believe you have really judged your son. You have wanted him to win. Perhaps, according to the criteria of your mother. But this is something that you can reassess. Because I think for these years you have been developing standards of your own. You already had them. Really. But I believe if you look back at your posts you will find laid out a Cedar Code. That is one hundred percent different from that of your mother. It is only yours to own. I believe you already have. There is no more work to be done. You are already there. It is just a question of accepting it. Owning it. You broke it. It is only now for you to see. Your mother was always wrong. About everything, I think. The world is not winners and losers. She cannot judge. She is an afraid person. She was afraid to play the game. Going to the Greek Orthodox Priest would have been playing the game. She was afraid. She would not put herself to the test. She would not test her mettle. She balked. She blamed him. She knows on some level she cannot do it. Or worse yet, that she probably could but that she might try, and lose. Imagine that kind of smallness? Sorry, Cedar. You are so much bigger than your mother. You have always been in the ring. Your mother. Not so much. Except in you. Look back at your work on the precept. What is the saying? Chop wood, carry water. D H is a Buddhist. This is how it is the same: Your mother cannot be allowed to hurt you. Your son cannot be allowed to hurt you. Your son is in charge of himself and responsible for himself. If he believes his parents hurt him, let him be responsible for his belief. Not you. COPA PS I am thinking now about history and the different theories of history that I have read in the past. The thing about history is that it is in the eyes of the beholder. It is always told according to the winner. That is why for the past 45 years there has been such an emphasis on Cultural Studies: Black Studies, Native Studies, Womens Studies, Diaspora Studies, etc. In the USA this means the losers in the Culture Wars. Your son or daughter and my own son can write whatever history they want. It does not make it so. I am thinking now of your mother and her glee that she controls the pictures...and can be the only one who can tell the story. Or my sister. I have the pictures. We'll have our own memorial. Let her kill me off. What does it matter? Big Deal. It is like D H says: I'll be gone. What do I care. We live our lives well. We have lived our lives well. Enough of all of the rest. Being the winner is not all it is trumped up to be. I am now watching Donald Trump. [/QUOTE]
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