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Being who we are, even if FOO is different and doesn't like it
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 672212" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Copa, you are right.</p><p></p><p>This comes down to self-forgiveness. We may mark the time in the sense that we are able now to be upset at inappropriate behaviors. That is a big step for us. To see in that changed way, I mean. Somehow though, we are (I am) still curving the hurt of it back onto myself for the empowerment in taking that kind of control rather than just sitting with what it feels like.</p><p></p><p>Well, that's because the feelings suck.</p><p></p><p>Which they do.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>Looking in this new way of seeing is confusing. It makes sense that we would use old skillsets to self soothe. We are working through it and you are right, Copa. I am falling into old patterns where somehow, the responsibility is mine because it empowers me to believe that I am responsible for what is happening. Instead...well, I don't know what to do about the pain in the dirty rotten things that are happening, either. But we do know imagining ourselves somehow responsible in a doomed effort to control the hurt of it works really badly.</p><p></p><p>So we know something then, that we did not know, before.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>So...how do we practice self forgiveness.</p><p></p><p>We would need to begin with unconditional positive self regard. </p><p></p><p>Unconditional. So, we begin our practice with "kinder". Kinder to ourselves, when we feel the anger that covers the shame that infects the wound, which is abandonment.</p><p></p><p>That is the key wounding, the core of every wound: Abandonment.</p><p></p><p>What do you all think about that. Is that true? I think it is true. That is the pain of shunning and the fear in being labeled or losing beauty and the loss in old age.</p><p></p><p>Abandonment.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>Probably, we need to begin with the little things. In the piece Leafy posted for us, one of the positives was to drink a glass of fresh water every morning for 31 days. Some simple something that is very good for us and very simply accomplished as a way of setting, and reminding ourselves of, intent.</p><p></p><p>A beginning way to be good to ourselves; an act simple and sincere as holding the intention to be kinder, to ourselves and to others.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>I have come such a long way. I stopped writing to read through poetry from the beginning. I have come so far. The woundedness was the same, then. In spite of everything that has happened, in spite of all the things I name it, the essential woundedness was the same then as it is, now. If the others of us have written material from years ago, or maybe pictures or memories would do it too, <em>the essential wound is the same, though we did not know then how to name it.</em></p><p></p><p>I am putting this together with what is happening with my son.</p><p></p><p>I don't know what that is going to look like. </p><p></p><p>I have this from Thich Nhat Hahn:</p><p></p><p><em>When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help. That is the message he is sending.</em></p><p></p><p><em>T.N.H.</em></p><p></p><p><em>Without the capacity of listening deeply, we cannot understand, and without understanding, love is not real; love is not possible.</em></p><p></p><p><em>T.N.H.</em></p><p></p><p>Which is the kind of thinking that got me into this mess in the first place. Except for the part about twisting responsibility back onto myself to pretend to an empowerment I don't really feel.</p><p></p><p>So, he is writing about the self, here.</p><p></p><p>For us, in this context, he is writing about how we perceive ourselves.</p><p></p><p><em>***</em></p><p></p><p>If we see forgiving ourselves for our pain, if we acknowledge and claim and forgive ourselves for the echoing pain of abandonment, rather than trying to take control of it or make sense of it or do anything with it at all but acknowledge it in much the same way a physician practices medicine or an attorney practices law or Thich Nhat Hanh practices presence, I think that would be a way to begin, too. We acknowledge first that we are prepared and second that self forgiveness is a practice ~ is an ongoing, everchanging, pivotal event of depth and color and time ~ and third that, just as doctors and attorneys and Buddhist monks must take their practices seriously and sincerely and with determined intent instead of fear, so must we.</p><p></p><p>That is the piece we are missing. That is why the above material from Thich Nhat Hanh matters.</p><p></p><p>We are that important, that valuable, that alive and aware, too. It isn't about the other guy. This is about us.</p><p></p><p>Which is a little humbling.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>This is the underlying message in the work piece I have been hearing and listening for and remembering as I go about my day. </p><p></p><p>Here is a quote for us to begin with, then:</p><p></p><p>"<em>Drink your tea slowly and reverently, as if it is the axis on which the Earth revolves ~ slowly, evenly, without rushing toward the future."</em></p><p></p><p><em>Thich Nhat Hanh</em></p><p></p><p>This is a very hard practice to engage in sincerely and with simplicity and high good humor. It is a direct counter to the fear of abandonment. A direct, in your face encounter with the fear of abandonment.</p><p></p><p>It is the same: When chopping onions, just chop onions.</p><p></p><p>Speaking of which, it was the baking soda, and not the vinegar at all, that was responsible for cutting through that film on the tile. The climate here is humid and very warm and a kind of mildew grows on everything outside. I am wondering if that is what that film is ~ something we are tracking in with the soil on D H shoes. (I take mine off when I come in. D H does not. I love to blame D H for what I can.) </p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>I will be scrubbing again today, but in a more organized fashion.</p><p></p><p>The tile is beautiful, the grout very clean.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>You are cold turkeying it, Copa. I am so pleased for you. I am sure it is hard to do this. Claim it. Claim all of it Copa and M and your life, too.</p><p></p><p>We are doing this, everyone.</p><p></p><p>From the Benedictines: "<em>Cherish, honor, promote, and protect."</em></p><p></p><p>We have everything we need, to begin. Holding you in my thoughts and prayers, Copa. </p><p></p><p>In time, could M's den become an office for you both? </p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 672212, member: 17461"] Copa, you are right. This comes down to self-forgiveness. We may mark the time in the sense that we are able now to be upset at inappropriate behaviors. That is a big step for us. To see in that changed way, I mean. Somehow though, we are (I am) still curving the hurt of it back onto myself for the empowerment in taking that kind of control rather than just sitting with what it feels like. Well, that's because the feelings suck. Which they do. *** Looking in this new way of seeing is confusing. It makes sense that we would use old skillsets to self soothe. We are working through it and you are right, Copa. I am falling into old patterns where somehow, the responsibility is mine because it empowers me to believe that I am responsible for what is happening. Instead...well, I don't know what to do about the pain in the dirty rotten things that are happening, either. But we do know imagining ourselves somehow responsible in a doomed effort to control the hurt of it works really badly. So we know something then, that we did not know, before. *** So...how do we practice self forgiveness. We would need to begin with unconditional positive self regard. Unconditional. So, we begin our practice with "kinder". Kinder to ourselves, when we feel the anger that covers the shame that infects the wound, which is abandonment. That is the key wounding, the core of every wound: Abandonment. What do you all think about that. Is that true? I think it is true. That is the pain of shunning and the fear in being labeled or losing beauty and the loss in old age. Abandonment. *** Probably, we need to begin with the little things. In the piece Leafy posted for us, one of the positives was to drink a glass of fresh water every morning for 31 days. Some simple something that is very good for us and very simply accomplished as a way of setting, and reminding ourselves of, intent. A beginning way to be good to ourselves; an act simple and sincere as holding the intention to be kinder, to ourselves and to others. *** I have come such a long way. I stopped writing to read through poetry from the beginning. I have come so far. The woundedness was the same, then. In spite of everything that has happened, in spite of all the things I name it, the essential woundedness was the same then as it is, now. If the others of us have written material from years ago, or maybe pictures or memories would do it too, [I]the essential wound is the same, though we did not know then how to name it.[/I] I am putting this together with what is happening with my son. I don't know what that is going to look like. I have this from Thich Nhat Hahn: [I]When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help. That is the message he is sending.[/I] [I]T.N.H.[/I] [I]Without the capacity of listening deeply, we cannot understand, and without understanding, love is not real; love is not possible.[/I] [I]T.N.H.[/I] Which is the kind of thinking that got me into this mess in the first place. Except for the part about twisting responsibility back onto myself to pretend to an empowerment I don't really feel. So, he is writing about the self, here. For us, in this context, he is writing about how we perceive ourselves. [I]***[/I] If we see forgiving ourselves for our pain, if we acknowledge and claim and forgive ourselves for the echoing pain of abandonment, rather than trying to take control of it or make sense of it or do anything with it at all but acknowledge it in much the same way a physician practices medicine or an attorney practices law or Thich Nhat Hanh practices presence, I think that would be a way to begin, too. We acknowledge first that we are prepared and second that self forgiveness is a practice ~ is an ongoing, everchanging, pivotal event of depth and color and time ~ and third that, just as doctors and attorneys and Buddhist monks must take their practices seriously and sincerely and with determined intent instead of fear, so must we. That is the piece we are missing. That is why the above material from Thich Nhat Hanh matters. We are that important, that valuable, that alive and aware, too. It isn't about the other guy. This is about us. Which is a little humbling. *** This is the underlying message in the work piece I have been hearing and listening for and remembering as I go about my day. Here is a quote for us to begin with, then: "[I]Drink your tea slowly and reverently, as if it is the axis on which the Earth revolves ~ slowly, evenly, without rushing toward the future."[/I] [I]Thich Nhat Hanh[/I] This is a very hard practice to engage in sincerely and with simplicity and high good humor. It is a direct counter to the fear of abandonment. A direct, in your face encounter with the fear of abandonment. It is the same: When chopping onions, just chop onions. Speaking of which, it was the baking soda, and not the vinegar at all, that was responsible for cutting through that film on the tile. The climate here is humid and very warm and a kind of mildew grows on everything outside. I am wondering if that is what that film is ~ something we are tracking in with the soil on D H shoes. (I take mine off when I come in. D H does not. I love to blame D H for what I can.) :O) I will be scrubbing again today, but in a more organized fashion. The tile is beautiful, the grout very clean. You are cold turkeying it, Copa. I am so pleased for you. I am sure it is hard to do this. Claim it. Claim all of it Copa and M and your life, too. We are doing this, everyone. From the Benedictines: "[I]Cherish, honor, promote, and protect."[/I] We have everything we need, to begin. Holding you in my thoughts and prayers, Copa. In time, could M's den become an office for you both? Cedar [/QUOTE]
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