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Family of Origin
Being who we are, even if FOO is different and doesn't like it
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 672302" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Yesterday was my sister's birthday. I debated whether to send her an email wishing her a happy birthday.</p><p></p><p>It entered my mind in a new way. Even when things were on the surface OK I did not send cards or call.</p><p></p><p>I told myself I was not the sort to send cards or call. What does that mean? Indifferent? Callous? Selfish? Or wounded? I would call my mother and give her late presents, if at all. My sister, not at all.</p><p></p><p>So it was unusual to say the least that I remembered my sister on her birthday, <em>and thought of acknowledging it</em>.</p><p></p><p>All the reasons <em>to not do it</em> came to my mind.</p><p><em></em></p><p><em>And I decided to not do it</em> because: I do not much like her. She has treated me very badly. She will use it as an opportunity to hurt me if she responds. (<em>Like: I cannot forget how you forced our mother to decide who to take care of her, and she chose you--a fiction.</em>) Or to hurt me by not responding.</p><p></p><p>So, I decided to not write the email.</p><p></p><p>M had said if you do it, do it for yourself. Not for anything she does or does not do. For how you want to be and feel about yourself.</p><p></p><p>So all of a sudden, I did not care how she responded. It didn't matter one way or another. <em>It was not about her</em>. It was only about me.</p><p></p><p>At 11pm I sent the email. Just like that. It entered my head to do it and I did it: <em>I am thinking of you on your birthday and hope you had a good one.</em></p><p></p><p>Not asking for anything at all. Because there is nothing I want or need from her. <em>It is not about her</em>. That is what had changed.</p><p></p><p>So M just now asked me if my sister had responded. <em>I had forgotten all about it</em>. I didn't even remember. <em>A big ho hum. After I did it it seemed like such a big nothing</em>.</p><p></p><p>But I checked my email, and she had not responded. Still, ho hum. Kind of.</p><p></p><p>I want to write here why I did it. Why I sent the email.</p><p></p><p>Like M said, I did it for me. I knew I had changed a great deal vis a vis my sister. She, who used to loom so large, had shrunk so small in my psyche. I was no longer afraid of her. The physical person or the intra-psychic one.</p><p></p><p>As I read this through again I think about, is it the 3 little pigs, with the straw, wood and then stone house? I am now a stone house. (I hope that makes sense in the story.)</p><p></p><p>I guess I needed to show myself, in a manner that was concrete and demonstrable, how strong I have become.</p><p></p><p>In a way, it was one more step to pushing her back into her cave. Where she belongs. I showed myself. <em>I may even have done it to show her.</em></p><p></p><p>She has come to be somebody for whom I feel mild compassion, and about whom I have become close to indifferent. The mean things she has done to me seem so infantile, rude and unimportant.</p><p></p><p>Really, she is boorish and inconsequential. Maybe I doth protest too much, here. So will only add, my mother's attorney thought she was kind of wacky. And I am seeing that too.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes, I miss her somewhat, because she is the only one left of my family of birth. But nothing more than that. <em>I recognize I do not really miss her. </em>I miss my family. She cannot bring them back. And really she is not a link to what is gone. only to the pain of it.</p><p></p><p>With you guys I have worked very, very hard in these months, just 6 and a half.</p><p></p><p>Today M looked at the number of posts in this time: close to 2k and he acted surprised. In maybe 180 or 190 days that is 10 a day. A lot of changing in 10 posts a day.</p><p></p><p>Thank you all.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 672302, member: 18958"] Yesterday was my sister's birthday. I debated whether to send her an email wishing her a happy birthday. It entered my mind in a new way. Even when things were on the surface OK I did not send cards or call. I told myself I was not the sort to send cards or call. What does that mean? Indifferent? Callous? Selfish? Or wounded? I would call my mother and give her late presents, if at all. My sister, not at all. So it was unusual to say the least that I remembered my sister on her birthday, [I]and thought of acknowledging it[/I]. All the reasons [I]to not do it[/I] came to my mind. [I] And I decided to not do it[/I] because: I do not much like her. She has treated me very badly. She will use it as an opportunity to hurt me if she responds. ([I]Like: I cannot forget how you forced our mother to decide who to take care of her, and she chose you--a fiction.[/I]) Or to hurt me by not responding. So, I decided to not write the email. M had said if you do it, do it for yourself. Not for anything she does or does not do. For how you want to be and feel about yourself. So all of a sudden, I did not care how she responded. It didn't matter one way or another. [I]It was not about her[/I]. It was only about me. At 11pm I sent the email. Just like that. It entered my head to do it and I did it: [I]I am thinking of you on your birthday and hope you had a good one.[/I] Not asking for anything at all. Because there is nothing I want or need from her. [I]It is not about her[/I]. That is what had changed. So M just now asked me if my sister had responded. [I]I had forgotten all about it[/I]. I didn't even remember. [I]A big ho hum. After I did it it seemed like such a big nothing[/I]. But I checked my email, and she had not responded. Still, ho hum. Kind of. I want to write here why I did it. Why I sent the email. Like M said, I did it for me. I knew I had changed a great deal vis a vis my sister. She, who used to loom so large, had shrunk so small in my psyche. I was no longer afraid of her. The physical person or the intra-psychic one. As I read this through again I think about, is it the 3 little pigs, with the straw, wood and then stone house? I am now a stone house. (I hope that makes sense in the story.) I guess I needed to show myself, in a manner that was concrete and demonstrable, how strong I have become. In a way, it was one more step to pushing her back into her cave. Where she belongs. I showed myself. [I]I may even have done it to show her.[/I] She has come to be somebody for whom I feel mild compassion, and about whom I have become close to indifferent. The mean things she has done to me seem so infantile, rude and unimportant. Really, she is boorish and inconsequential. Maybe I doth protest too much, here. So will only add, my mother's attorney thought she was kind of wacky. And I am seeing that too. Sometimes, I miss her somewhat, because she is the only one left of my family of birth. But nothing more than that. [I]I recognize I do not really miss her. [/I]I miss my family. She cannot bring them back. And really she is not a link to what is gone. only to the pain of it. With you guys I have worked very, very hard in these months, just 6 and a half. Today M looked at the number of posts in this time: close to 2k and he acted surprised. In maybe 180 or 190 days that is 10 a day. A lot of changing in 10 posts a day. Thank you all. COPA [/QUOTE]
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