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Family of Origin
Being who we are, even if FOO is different and doesn't like it
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 672358" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Imagine with me what it was like when I brought my son home, ready made, like a present. And he loved me. And I loved him. It was like magic. Every sorrow and pain and loss of my life was reversed. By his love. And then it wasn't.</p><p></p><p>Vice President Biden is on TV giving a speech about acquaintance rape. And how its effects are so much more damaging on a woman than rape by a stranger. Why, he asks? Because the victim blames herself.</p><p></p><p>What did I do to cause it? What could I have done to have prevented it? I should have known.</p><p></p><p>I do not think that it is the loss of the love of our sons that kills us...it is what it says to us about us....</p><p></p><p>You never deserved the love. You should have known it would end. It did not last because of something in you. That something damaged. The defect in you. It is your fault.</p><p></p><p>And from that comes the rage. <em>We rail against those self-accusations. No, it is not true. I was a good mother. I deserve his love. It is not my fault. (It is his fault. He is a bad son.)</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>And with this, we fear we have become our mothers. (Except not as bad.) And we rail against this as well.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>In this your son is a stand in for you, Cedar.</p><p></p><p>There is the built-in mechanism where you blame yourself for not being what would have prevented the abuser from abusing you. Not clean enough. Or subservient enough. You blamed yourself because it was the only way you could make sense of the absence of love and care from your mother.</p><p></p><p>Theis Cedar angry at her mother...not at her son.</p><p></p><p>It may even be your mother angry at you. And rage that all of this ugliness is happening again...when it should not have. You tried with everything you had to keep it at bay. There must be rage that you failed. </p><p></p><p>So the answer must be as you say, Cedar,to become whole ourselves. To be in us what we miss. That which they were for us....was really parts of us that had been awoken by their sleeping beauty kiss. The missing piece we lacked as children:</p><p> Yes. Because this is who <em>you</em> are, Cedar.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 672358, member: 18958"] Imagine with me what it was like when I brought my son home, ready made, like a present. And he loved me. And I loved him. It was like magic. Every sorrow and pain and loss of my life was reversed. By his love. And then it wasn't. Vice President Biden is on TV giving a speech about acquaintance rape. And how its effects are so much more damaging on a woman than rape by a stranger. Why, he asks? Because the victim blames herself. What did I do to cause it? What could I have done to have prevented it? I should have known. I do not think that it is the loss of the love of our sons that kills us...it is what it says to us about us.... You never deserved the love. You should have known it would end. It did not last because of something in you. That something damaged. The defect in you. It is your fault. And from that comes the rage. [I]We rail against those self-accusations. No, it is not true. I was a good mother. I deserve his love. It is not my fault. (It is his fault. He is a bad son.) And with this, we fear we have become our mothers. (Except not as bad.) And we rail against this as well. [/I] In this your son is a stand in for you, Cedar. There is the built-in mechanism where you blame yourself for not being what would have prevented the abuser from abusing you. Not clean enough. Or subservient enough. You blamed yourself because it was the only way you could make sense of the absence of love and care from your mother. Theis Cedar angry at her mother...not at her son. It may even be your mother angry at you. And rage that all of this ugliness is happening again...when it should not have. You tried with everything you had to keep it at bay. There must be rage that you failed. So the answer must be as you say, Cedar,to become whole ourselves. To be in us what we miss. That which they were for us....was really parts of us that had been awoken by their sleeping beauty kiss. The missing piece we lacked as children: Yes. Because this is who [I]you[/I] are, Cedar. COPA [/QUOTE]
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