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Family of Origin
Being who we are, even if FOO is different and doesn't like it
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 672488" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Or is this another way of blaming myself?</p><p></p><p>Or am I erring by not being patient, accepting the twists and turns of life? What do "normal" parents, do, when grown sons feel sorry for themselves and seem stuck? I doubt they fault themselves for loving them too much.</p><p></p><p>I am thinking about my nieces and sister upon hearing about the young American college student killed in Paris. The last time I was at her home, about 5 or 6 years ago, there was this ritualistic performance by her girls, then about 20.</p><p></p><p>One girl had returned or was preparing to go abroad to Brasil for a semester. The other was sharing her plans. I do not remember where she wanted to go.</p><p></p><p>Why I call it ritualistic, a performance, is because I recall your sister Cedar, coaching her grandchildren to sing patriotic songs for company, with your sister basking in the reflected glory.</p><p></p><p>It is not the pride of my sister that I found hard to take, it is the sense of my nieces, imparted by the mother of their overarching importance, that their development was more that of prized specimens, then persons among other people.</p><p></p><p>My sister's children were basking in their expectation of applause from their audience, me. There was less the sense of sharing of plans, of anticipation, of entering adulthood and adult experience of commonality, than, display. Entitlement. Arrogance. The I as "me" not "we."</p><p></p><p>Of course my sister sought to raise far different children than did I.</p><p></p><p>And of course this semester or year abroad is part of an upper middle class college student's right of passage, nowadays. I never did strive to raise a middle class or upper middle class child. </p><p></p><p>But my son strives to display the opposite: Defeat. Undeserving. He strives to personify a person with low self-esteem while privately, with us, dominating and arrogant.</p><p></p><p>How did that happen? M says we are the only ones he feels he can dominate. I see him trying to dominate many people, while he seeks to pretend something else.</p><p></p><p>What in the world did I do wrong?</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 672488, member: 18958"] Or is this another way of blaming myself? Or am I erring by not being patient, accepting the twists and turns of life? What do "normal" parents, do, when grown sons feel sorry for themselves and seem stuck? I doubt they fault themselves for loving them too much. I am thinking about my nieces and sister upon hearing about the young American college student killed in Paris. The last time I was at her home, about 5 or 6 years ago, there was this ritualistic performance by her girls, then about 20. One girl had returned or was preparing to go abroad to Brasil for a semester. The other was sharing her plans. I do not remember where she wanted to go. Why I call it ritualistic, a performance, is because I recall your sister Cedar, coaching her grandchildren to sing patriotic songs for company, with your sister basking in the reflected glory. It is not the pride of my sister that I found hard to take, it is the sense of my nieces, imparted by the mother of their overarching importance, that their development was more that of prized specimens, then persons among other people. My sister's children were basking in their expectation of applause from their audience, me. There was less the sense of sharing of plans, of anticipation, of entering adulthood and adult experience of commonality, than, display. Entitlement. Arrogance. The I as "me" not "we." Of course my sister sought to raise far different children than did I. And of course this semester or year abroad is part of an upper middle class college student's right of passage, nowadays. I never did strive to raise a middle class or upper middle class child. But my son strives to display the opposite: Defeat. Undeserving. He strives to personify a person with low self-esteem while privately, with us, dominating and arrogant. How did that happen? M says we are the only ones he feels he can dominate. I see him trying to dominate many people, while he seeks to pretend something else. What in the world did I do wrong? COPA [/QUOTE]
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Being who we are, even if FOO is different and doesn't like it
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