I have always thought of my sister as weak, and so did my mother.
My sister wet her bed until she was almost an adolescent. It was terribly stigmatizing and shameful for her. I believe my mother used to shame her, for all of the extra work.
I am inserting this hear, upon re-reading the above: I remember washing the sheets of my sister's bed.
And when my sister began working, she would throw up the first couple of days, because she was so nervous.
My sister gained her power from the beginning from groveling, lying and alliances, and then betrayal. It was never won legitimately. Really, all of her life she did this. She never had any embarrassment revealing if she was held in low stead. Because she had always a reason to justify it, through denigrating those who thought of her as such. A favorite was anti-semitism, although neither her name, her face, or her loyalty went to Jewish people, culture or faith. I am still having a hard time accepting that loving her is my motivation. Of course, it must be. After all, why would somebody matter so much who was not loved or hated. Or both.
Except it feels so naked to reach out from love to somebody who hates you and wishes to destroy you. And has always tried. This is a strength and purity which I may have, but have not come into. To love somebody that hates you and tries to destroy you, still.
But, it is this stance I took with my mother at the end. I loved her without reservation and at the very end she could accept it as enough. So maybe this will be my stance again. And I have already proven that I am strong enough and good enough.
Like you say, Cedar. We do better and more, when we can. And that is enough. It has to be, because there is no other way.
Yes. What a worthy goal. To be for the rest of my life what is in my heart to do. Towards others and myself.
COPA
