big decision

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Loving Abbey 2, Apr 20, 2008.

  1. Loving Abbey 2

    Loving Abbey 2 Not really a Newbie

    I don't post over here too often and lately I haven't been doing to much replying to other people's posts as difficult child has been in the psychiatric hospital for the first time. Since Thursday she has been on partial and is coming home at night. Maybe this should be in general but I'm not sure.

    I am thinking of not allowing my-soon-to-be-ex husband to see difficult child (he's her step father). Our marriage is over due to his verbal and emotionally abusive behavior towards me.

    difficult child is in such a fragile state but when ex came to see her last night and that night she was explosive and aggressive. On no other night was she like that--difficult, oppositional, needy, etc--yes, but not explosive and aggressive.

    For some time he kept telling difficult child that he and I were going to work things out, no matter how many times I asked him not to. He additionally would argue with me in front of her. When he is inappropriate with her (usually resulting in an arguement or power struggle) I step in and he says that I am being mean to him and that he will just stop coming to see difficult child if I keep acting this way. And he says it in front of difficult child. The weekend before she went into the psychiatric hospital, he set her into a meltdown at the store and then lied about what he said to her. And told her that he didn't say that over and over. Eventually he admitted it but what a messed up thing to do.

    In writing at the psychiatric hospital today difficult child has written that she is upset with me because "mom hurt daddy by making him leave" and "mom won't give daddy another chance". These are things that he says to her. When I called ex to discuss the effects of his words on difficult child for about the hundreth time, he says that if I really wanted to do what is best for Abbey than I will reconsider our divorce. He is so self-absorbed and manipulative. I told him I didn't want to speak to him anymore and he called me 7 times and sent 5 or 6 texts.

    I don't want to put difficult child through another loss (her father died when she was 2 1/2). But this is ridiculous!!

    And to top it off the hampster died today, and I haven't had the heart to tell difficult child yet.

    I just don't know what to do. I"m so fed up with the universe....
  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Hi,! I think I would post this in general. It does sound like the S2BX is very manipulative- at difficult child's expense as well as yours. Based just on what you have said here, I would slow or stop those visits between them and try to get some family therapy for you and difficult child. The S2BX is just trying to get difficult child on "his side" and create a situation where if you don't do what he wants, she will blame you for it, in my humble opinion. She does not need that on her shoulders and it is more than any child should have to bear. And, it creates a situation where you not only feel the pressure from him, but from her also. He doesn't sound emotionally healthy.
  3. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Well-Known Member

    I'll move this to General. FWIW, Abbey is much better off, in my opinion, with having nothing to do with your ex. He's hurtful and manipulative.
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Ex does not need to be visiting Abbey. She doesn't need the drama. And she will get over the loss, trust me. Ex is attempting to use her to manipulate you.

  5. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    By restricting S2BX contact with difficult child, you are teaching her that she does not have to deal with abusive people. You have recognized the inappropriate behavior he has with you and you are stopping it. You are showing difficult child that no one has to live under those circumstances. There is no excuse or reason to allow that to continue.

    I have a sister whose husband started abusing her within a few days of the wedding, I was so proud that she left immediately and divorced.

    Making breaks in relationships are always extremely hard no matter what the reason is. You are still going from what is the norm, what is known, to the unknown - scary. However, when the norm is not safe, you have to do this. Stay strong. Tell yourself, how long will it be until S2BX starts verbally abusing my difficult child? For now difficult child does not want to change the norm - it is too scary to face the unknown but some day she will understand.
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I agree with cutting him off. She'll be upset for a while, but one day she'll see why you did it. He is making her worse with his lies and manipulation to get to you. He is trying to control YOU through your child.
  7. slsh

    slsh member since 1999


    So sorry you're going thru this with s2bx. Ugh. Quite frankly, it sounds like he's using Abbey to manipulate you (or trying to) and I'd put a stop to contact in a heartbeat. It's just not fair to her to be put in the middle, poor baby.

    If she questions it, honestly I'd put it in similar terms that I've used with- my kids about stranger danger. An adult does not need to ask a child for help or directions. An adult does not confide personal problems to a child. It's inappropriate, period.

    You really are caught between a rock and a hard place - divorce is hard on kids and it is a loss. But at the rate he's going, it sounds like he has the potential to cause a great deal more emotional harm, you know?

    So sorry, Michelle. A gentle hug to you!
  8. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I wouldn't be setting any precedents for court ordered visitations. I would remind her that he has been upsetting her by inappropriately involving her in your marriage issues, and that you are protecting her from that until the adults can come to an agreement as to how that can be handled better. I would not let her think it is forever.
  9. I agree that Abbey is better off with out your ex in her life. I would also gradually slow things down. You might want to talk to her doctor or her counselors at partial and explain the situation and ask for advice on how to do it.

  10. Loving Abbey 2

    Loving Abbey 2 Not really a Newbie

    So I am one of those people wants to rip off the bandaid quickly but ends up doing it alittle at a time. I told s2bx that he would not be seeing difficult child for a while at least until she stabililzes. And at that point we would reassess the situation. I told him that I would have difficult child call him later and he needed to say that he needs to work on stuff so we decided for him not to see her for a while. He agreed to do so, only because I threatened that I would never let him speak to her again.

    So difficult child now knows, our hampster also died and we buried him today. So she has had alot of loss in one day. While home from partial psychiatric hospital, she had one melt down but afterwards she actually did very well, she followed all directions. SHE EVEN BRUSHED HER TEETH!!! I can't tell you the last time I was able to get her to brush her teeth.

    I do feel that I am doing the right thing, if only one small step towards it. I think if I cut it entirely with no hope for the future then she would go over the edge entirely. It's so hard to be a mom. But I would rather she hate me for what I've done to protect her than hate me for what I DIDN'T do to protect her.

    Thank you for all of your support and guidance during this difficult time.
  11. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Well-Known Member

    That's very wise thinking, Michelle. {{{Hugs}}} I know this is all very hard on you.
  12. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I agree with tm, that your thinking is very wise. I also agree with you that I would rather have my child hate me for protecting her too much than for not protecting her enough.

    Your instincts are screaming at you, it is very clear. Did he adopt her, or get any kind of court ordered custody? I am not at all sure how it works when a spouse dies, the surviving spouse remarries and then divorces.

    I strongly suggest you go to a domestic violence facility for counselling through this. S2BX is controlling and manipulative and abusive, based JUST on this thread. PLEASE do not leave her with him, no matter how she begs, bargains, pleads, or promises.

    It is so dang hard to be a mom. It is even harder to be a GOOD one, and following instincts is one of the best ways to be a GOOD MOM.

    Gentle hugs and support,

  13. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    by the way, one of the best things you can teach your child is how to get help for an abusive relationship. It never seems to amaze me how very many women (and men) don't know how to get out of a relationship like this.
  14. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Another wise statement.

    I think you are doing just fine, Michelle. You are aware, and keeping a close eye on what transpires between S2BX and difficult child.

    Sending you hugs and strength. You have been through a lot.
  15. Star*

    Star* call 911


    If you will take some advice from someone who had a hurtful, sociopathic, abusive x to her and her child I'll be glad to give it. I'm an overcomer - 12 years. Never a regret to not have my son talk to his biofather.

    You're welcome to PM me - if you need someone to talk to.

    There is a wealth of information in your local womens shelter. A lot of them have brochures you can have sent to you or a PO box without anyone knowing. There was a ton of information and tricks (believe it or not) that help you deal with people like your x. Things to say - what to look for, expect - how to get free legal assistance for divorce etc.

    Hope you take them up on their free offer - you're really doing well, but it never hurts to get all the information you can.