Bit of happy new & bit of a rant

[libranaster]

Well after coming here I have been getting out more and coming out about what happens here at home with my son more often with the right people. I did take him to play group a couple of times and I ran into his play group teacher today and we sat down and had a good talk because she wanted to know why I wasn't bringing him anymore. Mainly he has just been too difficult to bring and she may be the only child care professional who has seen one of his melt downs. Thats the thing at day care it seems they don't have alot of problems with him so its like its just me. Anyway the play group teacher has referred us to the Early Learning Centre so they can asess him.

I hate what my mum said this week about me disciplining him. She said "you just sit and yell at him or sit and tell him to do stuff you need to get up and go to him and show him things" I nearly said " b***h if you had to run after him and be kept up half the night by him and try to be on the ball 24/7 with him you wouldn't be in a hurry to get up"

She once again does not get it that I am just sooooooooooooo tired all the time with him and he commands my attention 24/7 and I mean how long can a person put up with that bull before just imploding. If I got up and ran to him everytime he did something wrong or commanded all eyes on him my life wouldn't be worth living. Also he can't seem to get more attention than my daughter and giving him more for being naughty is only going to make her resentful. This is what my mum did with my brother he was always screaming and crying and being naughty and she would run to his beck and call and me being the good child would become resentful and then it has given me heaps of other issues as an adult so there is no way on this Earth I am doing that.

Arg mothers why can they not get it. I mean are the deaf, dumb and blind or just delusional. Giving him attention is only going to make him worse, he already has his own delusions of granduer I am not going to help the process. I am his mother not his slave.

Oh and my neighbour maliciously dobbed us in to child protective services and made up a whole heap of lies like I wasn't getting my child's speech difficulties seen to and her borken arm was abuse and that my house is a health hazard and god knows what else. I know she did it because she made the threat to my dad first and my mum backs her up like she has a right. Of course the whole investigation was directed at my daughter who is actually not the problem child and is a perfect little angel. My mum though yesterday is backing up my neighbour. I will admit yes my house is messy and yes the dishes don't always get done and yes I do spend the majority of my day screaming blue murder at my son. Honestly I do what I can around here but I am exhausted all the time I can't function and if I am not looking at Elijah or with Elijah all the time he starts destroying my stuff till I stay with him so cleaning becomes redundant. Caring for Elijah is impossible for me right now and be blowed if I am going to live my life the way others want me to. I am going to live my life doing what I can with the time and strength I have. I mean if I try to take on Elijah and have my home up to scratch the way other people want it then I end up in bed for 2 months unable to get out from the exhaustion because no human has that kind of energy. I mean if I clean it he tears it apart within a couple of hours he pulls everything apart even rips matresses off the beds. Of course my mum's solution to everything is smack him or make sure he is too afraid to do it. I don't want my son to be afraid of me I want him to feel loved and nurtured and I want mummy to be a soft place to fall not the source of all his nightmares for crying out loud. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH can I kill her please!

 

[Marguerite]

Sometimes it takes a lot longer for grandparents to 'get it'.

I don't blame you opting out of Playgroup - we did, too. I went with the older three, but never took difficult child 3. A big part of it is I am always physically tired and they allocate jobs to people as you walk in the door, and I just can't do some of them. I remember I volunteered to take the fees and staff the roster, just to avoid being handed a job like dragging out all the play mats, for example. I couldn't do it to save my life - and then I still had to keep eyes in the back of my head with difficult child 3.

Why not leave him with your mother for a day or so? Let her handle him? Or are you afraid she would smack him too much? Smacking him or shouting at him is not what is going to work - if anything, it will make him even harder to manage. But you're in a Catch 22 situation here. You're exhausted so all you have left is to shout at him, and this makes him worse which means you are exhausted and so... what else can happen? Personally, I'd love to see how your mother copes after having him for an overnight visit and then well into the next morning.

I have a messy house too. We try to keep things clean, at least as far as health issues are concerned, but otherwise it's a struggle. Not helped by the boys leaving their stuff everywhere.

mother in law took a while to accept that difficult child 3 had problems that went beyond bad parenting. But especially since she moved to live close to us, she has seen it for herself. She still tries to interfere at times which sometimes get on my nerves, but she's a difficult child herself to a certain extent.

We did find that when we took on "The Explosive Child" methods we found he was so much better it was amazing. It's not a cure, it's just an easier way to manage. But it does require consistency and for others to be on the same page too. The lovely thing about it though, is those who are not on the same page - THEY will be the ones to cop the really unpleasant behaviours, directed at them.

To be able to implement this, it's less trouble than you think. I know I was feeling exhausted just thinking about the need to change tactics. How could I do it when I was so tired? Charts, tables, lists - forget it. I already had too much to do.

But it didn't need that. It DOES need me to stay mentally on the ball though. If I get tired and irritable, the wheels start to fall off. I have to keep my cool and my head even when I'm really tired. But with practice it does come. And the benefits are worth it.

Forget about the neighbour. She's only reacting to what she sees & hears. Plus she's probably had your mother bending her ear about her impression of you. Put it all together, and I can understand why the neighbour called DOCS. She probably thought she was doing the right thing. But she hasn't got the whole story at all.

Look at it this way - if the neighbour was genuinely concerned, it still won't sway DOCS, they need to work it out for themselves. They will come and assess. One thing they CAN do, which can be useful for you - they should be able to help you speed up the assessment process. But unless he clearly has developmental delay, they won't be able to do anything further to help.

DOCS will also need to check out any report. They won't interfere unless it's clear your children are in danger. Untidy house - they don't care, especially if they can see why it's happening (ie difficult child).

But if your neighbour has made the complaint purely to cause you trouble, then it won't take too long before DOCS will get angry with HER. Vexatious claims waste valuable time and she could find herself in deep water if she keeps doing it after having been told there is no problem.

We got dobbed in to DOCS when difficult child 3 was a pre-schooler. It was the local council who were supervising Family Day Care - they observed his poor socialisation and poor language skills and blew the whistle. I was in a panic as well as very angry, but then I found that they were going to help me get things like his hearing checked, and other things. They gave me some contact names and numbers in our area and from there we were able to get help for him.

You expect your mother to be supportive. She expects her grandchildren to be normal. When they are not she tries to find someone to blame. She will be one of the last to accept that he has a problem that goes way beyond parenting issues. It's a grieving thing - it's very hard to give up the dream that your grandchildren will be perfect, will be loving, will be a wonderful success. She is angry too, that things are not what she wants. And that is not helping anybody in getting some positive answers here, and getting help.

One thought - you say he does well at Playgroup. I'm wondering if this is because it is different with a lot of stimulating things to hold his attention. In which case - one night at your mother's may not be enough. He needs time to get bored with her place. Then she will see what you are dealing with.

I hope the referral from the Playgroup teacher helps. Any information and support is good. It also helps keep DOCS aware that you ARE trying to get help for him.

Do you have access to Home Care? Or respite? From watching 4 Corners on Monday night, respite is almost impossible overnight for kids under 12, but there may be an option in your area. I don't know. Another option - part time child care? Again, DOCS might be able to push for that for you. And with the new budget, it should cost a lot less - the subsidy is now 50%. Even two days a week would give you a break from him and help you catch your breath (and get some sleep).

Marg

 

[Andy]

How old is Elijah? Can you make a signature listing your kids and ages and if they have a diagnosis or are on medications? - sometimes knowing the age and a diagnosis if there is one will allow us to share some suggestions.

Sounds like you are in need of a break. Would you feel comfortable with him staying one night with your mother so you can get a good nights sleep? How about a relative that can come into your home overnight and spend the evening with him? Someone to entertain him while you rest?

People who have children that are easy child's just don't understand a child that is full of energy and can not follow society's "rules". Every one learns in a different way - parents of difficult child's have to be more creative than others in finding out how our child learns.

You are stuck in the "ugly zone". You are so tired and frustrated that you only see the annoying things your son is doing. Very hard to see when he behaves - you are just waiting to see what the next disaster will be. Like you are only expecting something bad. The more tired we are, the longer we get stuck - hoping for peace and quiet for a few minutes but preparing for the behavior we hate to deal with.

Do you have a structured day? Does Elijah know that schedule? Is there time that you have one on one time with him? If we can know his age, we can give some suggestions for one to one activities.

Tomorrow is a new day. Try to get a good night's sleep and find time to do something for yourself.