Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
Bit of happy new & bit of a rant
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 154280" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Sometimes it takes a lot longer for grandparents to 'get it'.</p><p></p><p>I don't blame you opting out of Playgroup - we did, too. I went with the older three, but never took difficult child 3. A big part of it is I am always physically tired and they allocate jobs to people as you walk in the door, and I just can't do some of them. I remember I volunteered to take the fees and staff the roster, just to avoid being handed a job like dragging out all the play mats, for example. I couldn't do it to save my life - and then I still had to keep eyes in the back of my head with difficult child 3.</p><p></p><p>Why not leave him with your mother for a day or so? Let her handle him? Or are you afraid she would smack him too much? Smacking him or shouting at him is not what is going to work - if anything, it will make him even harder to manage. But you're in a Catch 22 situation here. You're exhausted so all you have left is to shout at him, and this makes him worse which means you are exhausted and so... what else can happen? Personally, I'd love to see how your mother copes after having him for an overnight visit and then well into the next morning.</p><p></p><p>I have a messy house too. We try to keep things clean, at least as far as health issues are concerned, but otherwise it's a struggle. Not helped by the boys leaving their stuff everywhere. </p><p></p><p>mother in law took a while to accept that difficult child 3 had problems that went beyond bad parenting. But especially since she moved to live close to us, she has seen it for herself. She still tries to interfere at times which sometimes get on my nerves, but she's a difficult child herself to a certain extent.</p><p></p><p>We did find that when we took on "The Explosive Child" methods we found he was so much better it was amazing. It's not a cure, it's just an easier way to manage. But it does require consistency and for others to be on the same page too. The lovely thing about it though, is those who are not on the same page - THEY will be the ones to cop the really unpleasant behaviours, directed at them.</p><p></p><p>To be able to implement this, it's less trouble than you think. I know I was feeling exhausted just thinking about the need to change tactics. How could I do it when I was so tired? Charts, tables, lists - forget it. I already had too much to do.</p><p></p><p>But it didn't need that. It DOES need me to stay mentally on the ball though. If I get tired and irritable, the wheels start to fall off. I have to keep my cool and my head even when I'm really tired. But with practice it does come. And the benefits are worth it.</p><p></p><p>Forget about the neighbour. She's only reacting to what she sees & hears. Plus she's probably had your mother bending her ear about her impression of you. Put it all together, and I can understand why the neighbour called DOCS. She probably thought she was doing the right thing. But she hasn't got the whole story at all. </p><p></p><p>Look at it this way - if the neighbour was genuinely concerned, it still won't sway DOCS, they need to work it out for themselves. They will come and assess. One thing they CAN do, which can be useful for you - they should be able to help you speed up the assessment process. But unless he clearly has developmental delay, they won't be able to do anything further to help.</p><p></p><p>DOCS will also need to check out any report. They won't interfere unless it's clear your children are in danger. Untidy house - they don't care, especially if they can see why it's happening (ie difficult child). </p><p></p><p>But if your neighbour has made the complaint purely to cause you trouble, then it won't take too long before DOCS will get angry with HER. Vexatious claims waste valuable time and she could find herself in deep water if she keeps doing it after having been told there is no problem.</p><p></p><p>We got dobbed in to DOCS when difficult child 3 was a pre-schooler. It was the local council who were supervising Family Day Care - they observed his poor socialisation and poor language skills and blew the whistle. I was in a panic as well as very angry, but then I found that they were going to help me get things like his hearing checked, and other things. They gave me some contact names and numbers in our area and from there we were able to get help for him.</p><p></p><p>You expect your mother to be supportive. She expects her grandchildren to be normal. When they are not she tries to find someone to blame. She will be one of the last to accept that he has a problem that goes way beyond parenting issues. It's a grieving thing - it's very hard to give up the dream that your grandchildren will be perfect, will be loving, will be a wonderful success. She is angry too, that things are not what she wants. And that is not helping anybody in getting some positive answers here, and getting help.</p><p></p><p>One thought - you say he does well at Playgroup. I'm wondering if this is because it is different with a lot of stimulating things to hold his attention. In which case - one night at your mother's may not be enough. He needs time to get bored with her place. Then she will see what you are dealing with.</p><p></p><p>I hope the referral from the Playgroup teacher helps. Any information and support is good. It also helps keep DOCS aware that you ARE trying to get help for him. </p><p></p><p>Do you have access to Home Care? Or respite? From watching 4 Corners on Monday night, respite is almost impossible overnight for kids under 12, but there may be an option in your area. I don't know. Another option - part time child care? Again, DOCS might be able to push for that for you. And with the new budget, it should cost a lot less - the subsidy is now 50%. Even two days a week would give you a break from him and help you catch your breath (and get some sleep).</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 154280, member: 1991"] Sometimes it takes a lot longer for grandparents to 'get it'. I don't blame you opting out of Playgroup - we did, too. I went with the older three, but never took difficult child 3. A big part of it is I am always physically tired and they allocate jobs to people as you walk in the door, and I just can't do some of them. I remember I volunteered to take the fees and staff the roster, just to avoid being handed a job like dragging out all the play mats, for example. I couldn't do it to save my life - and then I still had to keep eyes in the back of my head with difficult child 3. Why not leave him with your mother for a day or so? Let her handle him? Or are you afraid she would smack him too much? Smacking him or shouting at him is not what is going to work - if anything, it will make him even harder to manage. But you're in a Catch 22 situation here. You're exhausted so all you have left is to shout at him, and this makes him worse which means you are exhausted and so... what else can happen? Personally, I'd love to see how your mother copes after having him for an overnight visit and then well into the next morning. I have a messy house too. We try to keep things clean, at least as far as health issues are concerned, but otherwise it's a struggle. Not helped by the boys leaving their stuff everywhere. mother in law took a while to accept that difficult child 3 had problems that went beyond bad parenting. But especially since she moved to live close to us, she has seen it for herself. She still tries to interfere at times which sometimes get on my nerves, but she's a difficult child herself to a certain extent. We did find that when we took on "The Explosive Child" methods we found he was so much better it was amazing. It's not a cure, it's just an easier way to manage. But it does require consistency and for others to be on the same page too. The lovely thing about it though, is those who are not on the same page - THEY will be the ones to cop the really unpleasant behaviours, directed at them. To be able to implement this, it's less trouble than you think. I know I was feeling exhausted just thinking about the need to change tactics. How could I do it when I was so tired? Charts, tables, lists - forget it. I already had too much to do. But it didn't need that. It DOES need me to stay mentally on the ball though. If I get tired and irritable, the wheels start to fall off. I have to keep my cool and my head even when I'm really tired. But with practice it does come. And the benefits are worth it. Forget about the neighbour. She's only reacting to what she sees & hears. Plus she's probably had your mother bending her ear about her impression of you. Put it all together, and I can understand why the neighbour called DOCS. She probably thought she was doing the right thing. But she hasn't got the whole story at all. Look at it this way - if the neighbour was genuinely concerned, it still won't sway DOCS, they need to work it out for themselves. They will come and assess. One thing they CAN do, which can be useful for you - they should be able to help you speed up the assessment process. But unless he clearly has developmental delay, they won't be able to do anything further to help. DOCS will also need to check out any report. They won't interfere unless it's clear your children are in danger. Untidy house - they don't care, especially if they can see why it's happening (ie difficult child). But if your neighbour has made the complaint purely to cause you trouble, then it won't take too long before DOCS will get angry with HER. Vexatious claims waste valuable time and she could find herself in deep water if she keeps doing it after having been told there is no problem. We got dobbed in to DOCS when difficult child 3 was a pre-schooler. It was the local council who were supervising Family Day Care - they observed his poor socialisation and poor language skills and blew the whistle. I was in a panic as well as very angry, but then I found that they were going to help me get things like his hearing checked, and other things. They gave me some contact names and numbers in our area and from there we were able to get help for him. You expect your mother to be supportive. She expects her grandchildren to be normal. When they are not she tries to find someone to blame. She will be one of the last to accept that he has a problem that goes way beyond parenting issues. It's a grieving thing - it's very hard to give up the dream that your grandchildren will be perfect, will be loving, will be a wonderful success. She is angry too, that things are not what she wants. And that is not helping anybody in getting some positive answers here, and getting help. One thought - you say he does well at Playgroup. I'm wondering if this is because it is different with a lot of stimulating things to hold his attention. In which case - one night at your mother's may not be enough. He needs time to get bored with her place. Then she will see what you are dealing with. I hope the referral from the Playgroup teacher helps. Any information and support is good. It also helps keep DOCS aware that you ARE trying to get help for him. Do you have access to Home Care? Or respite? From watching 4 Corners on Monday night, respite is almost impossible overnight for kids under 12, but there may be an option in your area. I don't know. Another option - part time child care? Again, DOCS might be able to push for that for you. And with the new budget, it should cost a lot less - the subsidy is now 50%. Even two days a week would give you a break from him and help you catch your breath (and get some sleep). Marg [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
Bit of happy new & bit of a rant
Top