Blame

[DaisyFace]

Me too...

I'm sorry if my posts made you feel badly in any way.

I have struggled against the "blame game" for years (and Oh have I EVER been the Mean Mom!)...and it is only recently that I feel as though I have made any progress in this area myself.

And mostly, it's been in working to change my own attitude...but surprisingly (to me, at least), it's also been the willingness to play the game back to difficult child.

 

[flutterby]

TeDo - if my daughter had her way in the past, she would have turned me in to CPS. Some of her reasons: she is treated like a slave (an example she gave therapist is that she had to turn the light off in my room - in the wee hours in the morning when she was sitting on my bed talking to me through an angst-thing (my term) and I was in bed because I couldn't stay awake any longer. She was asked to turn off the light as she walked out of the room.), I sometimes ask her to grab a soda for me when she is going into the kitchen already... I honestly can't remember them all, but they all follow the same theme. She would write pages - *pages* - about this petty koi and take it into therapist as proof of how horrible I am and of what she has to endure. It's ridiculous. So, yes, I completely understand the blame thing.

I am the only person in difficult child's life who has been there for her; the only person advocating for her, finding therapists and psychiatrists, fighting the school, helping her through 5 hour long panic attacks/meltdowns/whatever the crisis of the day is. But I am also somehow this monster who expects my child to help fold laundry, pick up after herself, and sometimes help me. This has seemed to get better over the last few months. Somewhere along the way she seemed to find some insight and empathy. I think it's just that our Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) kids take longer to get there. For my daughter, at least, she is about 10 years behind emotionally vs chronologically. My daughter has also always had this victim mentality (which I can't stand in anyone, and then I was blessed with a child with it - it makes me want to scream), so that has added to it.

I finally made her write down the number to CPS and told her that I expected her to call them because I was tired of hearing it - in a moment where I had just had enough. She was very upset about that. It got to the point where I could barely stand to be around her - I was so angry with her. Resentful. I went through periods where I only talked to her when absolutely necessary. No more "good morning". I just couldn't do it. I was so angry with her over this that I couldn't stand it.

Thankfully, we've gotten past that. But it was incredibly difficult for a long time.

 

[flutterby]

Just a thought -

My daughter is completely dependent on me for *everything* up to and including her emotional regulation. Of course, we're working on that - and have been for years - but therapist and I think this is a big part of the reason that difficult child puts so much blame on me. She needs me, but is resentful of needing me at the same time. I first started talking to a therapist about that when difficult child was 10; she's almost 17. I don't know if your kiddo is like that, but since you homeschool (which I've, too, done in the past) I wonder if you have some of the same issues going on.

 

[TeDo]

Flutter, that is EXACTLY how it is here. I am his ALL yet he wants to be independent so he does this "I hate you, don't leave me thing". As for the blame thing, I think you're right...difficult child 1 is also way behind emotionally so just hasn't gotten to the "I'm responsible" stage YET. Glad to hear it DOES get better.

 

[Star*]

Tedo -

In 12 years that I have been posting; I have never posted any suggestions, or advice to hurt anyones feelings. If you or anyone else here feels that what I said was done to hurt your feelings I'm confused. I'm not dense, I just don't understand. I digress - everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but I stand by what I said. I did not blame you (like your son does; as suggested - thats just ridiculous)

What you asked was if anyone here have a difficult child that blames everything on you? My answer would be - Holy crud - yes woman - hes 21 and he still attempts to do it. But when you take the advice that I was given (even if it is a bitter pill to swallow and I wasn't handed it so nicely, nor from a "friend" AND I was doing the EXACT same thing YOU posted - so I thought perhaps if I suggest to you what was suggested to me only in a nicer way - it may help. Because - Your NEXT question was -

Do you get tired of it? Yeah I used to who among us doesn't, but at what point do you want to look at that child and say - WOW! those consequences were caused by YOUR actions?? (OH WAIT.....I think that was your NEXT question wasn't it?)

How do you teach them that the consequences are caused by THEIR actions? Which brings me back to my FIRST suggestion......

?

SO I'm really at a loss - as to why my advice was touted as "ineffective" with a difficult child - And yes...LORD YES - there are days when you can give a difficult child choices and they are going to pick NEITHER - NONE, NADA...and BLUEW you.......and stomp off. Then those are the days when you take five, cool off....and walk away and delve out a consequence LATER...not HOUND them down, beat on their door, chase them down the street, or completely IGNORE the entire situation allowing them to become the victor because when you do that? They will do it again, and again and again. You obviously know that. And see that's what I did - I got tired, I got svcked in to the blame game, I got fed up, worn out - and finally just threw my hands up and said "nothing is going to work so why bother. I feel so guilty, I'm never going to win." (Oh wait - maybe you don't know that)

I didn't do "walking away when they blow up or detaching" easily. I also had to curb my intense sarcastic comments. Sarcasm with teenagers (or so I'm told - ONLY leaves a door wide open for a tet-a tet 0r a war of words, a battle of wits and again - I REFUSE to do a battle of wits with an unarmed person) It took EVERYTHING in my being to not pop off with SNARKY comments. You'll just have to trust me on that one - and someday? Well somedays there wasn't enough parental duct tape or gorilla glue to seal my mouth shut. It was like trying to put Mississippi in Rhode Island. Not happening.

- My history reads like a laundry list of wars. Domestic violence to start, then psychiatric hospital at age 5 - for trying to kill someone with a scythe - gosh ya wanna talk guilt? Then we had the list of getting kicked out of day cares, being tossed out of first grade, second grade, third grade, Christian school, Christian Day care. Mental health - four different therapists, five different psychologists. Play therapy, Water therapy, Art therpay. Back to the psychiatric hospital, and accepted by the governors continuum of care for emotionally disturbed children - only the top kids in the state are accepted in this program or so I'm told -you know the ones that are the most severely disturbed, and I live in the capital city - so I guess we got lucky to be picked (ahaha). Then it was off to Residential therapy at age 10 for 18 months and THEY GAVE UP, and then Carolina Childrens HOme for oh lemme see...six months, then back home and nope that didn't work out - and then back to CCH, and back to the psychiatric ward, and then back home, and then more medications and doctors, and MRI's and PET scans, and testing, and a complete allergy work up and GP's and more therapists, and then back to CCH - and in the mean time - he didn't get enough credits to get into middle school - but he did get sent to Department of Juvenile Justice - for breaking a purse strap, and then we had some kind of counseling for that. Then over to some Residential Treatment Center (RTC) in Georgia for almost a year, and then back home. Then down to Charleston for five months and then back home....and back to CCH, and then UP to some place that was a group home....and oh in between there he got arrested for burglary and was looking at 30 years. And when he went to the group home he was suspected of burglary so he was looking at consecutive sentences for 30 years....(yawn) and then he went into the hospital for trying to kill himself, tried to kill himself in Department of Juvenile Justice too, and again when he was caught in that burglary, and oh yeah when he went to the group home at age 10 - he tried to hang himself.
Then he got out of the group home from hades - and sent to foster care and gosh that was a ball - and they allowed him to drive without a license and MORE charges were added - oh boy and they threw him out because THEY couldn't handle him either - NO ONE COULD. Because all his life? I felt so bad and guilty and no matter what I tried - it NEVER worked.
SO.....when he came to live with us after foster care? The shrink looked at me and I said -
I can't deal with him constantly making me feel guilty about his life - EVERY SINGLE DANG thing he has done all his life - even the smallest thing - he blames on me and I'm so sick of it I could scream!!!!! (and I did) and the doctor told me - what I told you only he basically told me to get my head out of my kiester and realize that I needed to be THE MOM. STOP ASKING him...and start telling him - and STOP being so sensitive when I was given advice that was going to help me and save him. Learn to deatach from my sons issues - and stand on my own two feet. Be the MOM. Not his buddy, not his pal.....and IF HE DIDN"T LIKE what I TOLD him to do? BOooooooo flipping hoooo. DO IT. And if he didn't do it? Then learn how to effectively communicate....before I lost that chance. And let him skin his knee. Let him get a day in bed without a meal. Let him stop having his cushy life. And so I did.

I gave him permission to live on his own. To live in a park, to sleep under bridges, to be homeless, to get along the best way he could. To eat out of dumpsters....and when he called me? Shrug ---I may or may not have picked it up. And it killed me. But three years later? He's respectful, he calls me and talks - not yells. He's getting his act together. He's trying. And I promise you if I asked him to do something now? Or gave him the rules - I wouldn't get lip service. I'd get yes maam. Because NOW he sees what a life without cereal infront of a tv in a house with the electric paid for and a nice bed.....and a mom to make it all happen IS.

It's not me being a jerk Tedo - It's me trying to make you or anyone else see - that now is the time to jerk a little sense into these kids - BEFORE you have to GO THROUGH something like this. Wouldn't it be better to say - You know what? She may have a point. I have never walked on water, I don't have all the answers but when I see a post that I can relate to? Similar situation and feelings? (look at that - wow) I open up and share- and more importantly - I care. I really do - at the risk of peeving your feelings a little - I'd risk that over.....you trying what I'm suggesting before YOUR kid ends up like mine was.


I still love you either way. And I think you're a terrific Mother to both of your boys. Phenominal to be exact. Otherwise you wouldn't be on a perpetual search to always improve yourself, just like everyone here. And I don't say things I don't mean.

Hope this sheds light on my words - they were not meant to make you feel guilty. Taken out of context I suppose any sentence could be made to make anyone feel that way. Especially when our difficult child's already have our self esteem shot full of holes. However I personally have never given you a reason to feel badly about yourself, and never will. I still love you, and think you are a phenominal Mother to both your boys. You are constantly on a perpetual serach to improve yourself, just like everyone here. I would just as soon no one ever had to go through what I've been through or Dude. Ever. I still recommend that book. It's aweseome.

Hugs & Love
Star

 

[TeDo]

Thanks for that Star. I am very sorry for taking what you and some others said the wrong way. I guess it just struck a nerve. As I was reading your first response, I didn't think it sounded like you but then Flutterby seemed to read it the same way so .... Oh well. No biggie. I have gotten a variety of responses with various perspectives. I put it in the Watercooler as a "conversation piece" because so many people have the same issue. It's nice to get the perspective from those who have "survived" or even "overcome" it. It gives me hope.

From being here, I have become a stronger parent and more sure of what I am doing. I set absolute limits, did away with negotiating, follow through more quickly with consequences, and have learned to do things differently (and sometimes things that seemed weird to me at first). I absolutely respect and love everyone here. This is my only link to sanity and my only source of hope when things are bad. Because it is written words (as opposed to a human voice), sometimes it is easier to interject our insecurities and personal feeling at that moment into the posts as we read them. Trappings of being human dealing with inescapable adversity.

 

[Bunny]

Does he blame me for everything? Heck, yes!! Do I get tired of it? Again, I say heck, yes!! I try my best to walk away from it because I find it infuriating. Lately my answer to it all being my fault is , "Yeah, I know. Everything is my fault, so get used to it."

I think that all kids do that (I know that I did it when I was a teen), but I think that it tends to be happen more when you are dealing with a difficult child. More issues, more of the kid not getting his way, more reasons to blame mom for everything.

MY easy child, on the other hand, blames difficult child for almost all of it, so I find that rather refreshing.

 

[buddy]

I had to laugh at myself to day.... I immediately thought of this thread...

Q was mad because he lost his wallet. He couldn't find it for two days. He was sure I STOLE it and that I was lying to him about it etc. It was all my fault of course that it was missing. THEN??? he found it, I said, oh really so I didn't steal it and it wasn't my fault you lost it? Mom, you better say sorry for that!

OH my word!!!