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Both sons in prison/baby mama arrested
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 658933" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Hi Tish,</p><p></p><p>I am so sorry you have been put in this situation. I would have responded as did you and husband.</p><p></p><p>I was a foster parent, but it was fost-adopt. I wanted to adopt my son, but his birth parents still had parental rights. This was a situation where it was already clear that my son's birth parents would be unable to parent, ever.</p><p></p><p>The decision making process is a balancing act: weighing the best interests of your grandson, with the capacity, willingness and motivation of your son to parent his child, and whether he will be permitted to do so by Child Protective Services and under what conditions.</p><p></p><p>If there is no family member who can take him, your grandson may be best off in a foster adopt situation, and placed with a family who wants to adopt him permanently.</p><p></p><p>The sooner this happens, the easier for the child, and the more potential families.</p><p></p><p>Even if your son wants his child, is this in the child's best interests?</p><p></p><p>So, it seems to me that decisions regarding your grandson depend upon variables that are to some extent unknown at this time:</p><p></p><p>-- the likelihood of your son's having the legal right to be able to parent his child again.</p><p>--the length of incarceration, if any, and subsequent mandatory substance abuse treatment (where he cannot parent even if he wanted to and was permitted to.)</p><p>--your son's realistic ability to parent his child.</p><p>--available and suitable family members who might be able to take your grandson, and for how long.</p><p></p><p>If I were to be in the situation you are in, and there was no good family alternative, I would think about talking to my son about relinquishing the child to a permanent and loving family, as hard as that would be. As I understand it, provisions can be made to maintain relationships with the parent and grandparent.</p><p></p><p>On the other hand, this may be the wake up call your son needs. But a child's life is held in the balance. Your son is an adult who is responsible for his acts. How many chances is he permitted, when his child's life is at stake? Decisions like this call for a Solomon.</p><p></p><p>My heart hurts just thinking about this.</p><p></p><p>I think I have an idea, Tish, how much you love your grandson. You do not deserve this. Not one bit of it. Please stay close to us and keep us posted.</p><p></p><p>PS Your grandson sounds like a Regional Center candidate and there are all kinds of supports available through them. He also is likely to qualify for SSI payments, through Social Security. I could have done that for my son, and I didn't because I was stupid.</p><p></p><p>Also, you could well be able to get a very hefty foster care supplement, given your grandson's special needs. I do not want to speculate as to a number, but it could be well over $1500 a month (I think that is what I received for foster care of my son, and that was 25 years ago). You can negotiate. Even as family, you are entitled to full compensation. I would get something in writing first, that you can have him with you. Then, negotiate the supplement, I think.</p><p></p><p>I am pretty sure that your grandson is old enough to get an IEP, and there can be supports through the school district. The schools do early interventions in situations such as this.</p><p></p><p>Where my son and I were living when he was that age, there was a free behavioral nursery school for emotionally disturbed children. It was great. My son went 8 or 9 hours a day.</p><p></p><p>If you live near a large city there are public service legal organizations that will represent you for free. I got services.</p><p></p><p>I do not know how to say this nicely, but this is what I want to say: If you are thinking of taking responsibility play hard ball with your son, and think about protecting your grandson and yourselves legally by establishing legal guardianship. Do not be a door mat. Don't just babysit, with your son holding the power. Get legal rights. Your son may voluntarily relinquish custody to you, and even if you are unable to keep him forever, you could hold the power to decide. If you were willing to do so, that would be no small thing in protecting your grandson.</p><p></p><p>Finally, I am throwing out stuff that I can think of, with the possibility that something will stick. None of it could help or even apply, but I hope it does.</p><p></p><p>Take care.</p><p></p><p>Oh, I just remembered something else. At the time I adopted my son every child in the system, i.e. foster care, was assigned an attorney to represent their best interests. My son had an attorney who came to my house to meet me after he was placed with me. Maybe this might be a resource for you guys.</p><p></p><p>And a couple more ideas to make things easier and safer:</p><p></p><p>What about an Autism Assistance Dog, a trained support dog? You could probably get funds to pay for it from one of the sources I noted above.</p><p></p><p>And/or a child harness? These are now available at Costco, they have become so common. The thinking has really changed on these.</p><p></p><p>I do not think 24 hour confinement bodes well for either of you.</p><p></p><p>And finally, I hope you do not think I am crass talking about money.</p><p></p><p>I am coming from this point of view: you need help; you need support; your grandson is a handful; he is a handful for 20 year old kids. You are not a 20 year old kid. You need trained, competent help. That costs money.</p><p></p><p>You also need to continue your life. Your private life with your husband. Your interests and your friendships. Time to lay around, with nothing to do. You need respite, in addition to that which may be freely provided. At least I would.</p><p></p><p>One more thing. From my experience, one's income does not determine the foster care payment. It is determined by the needs of the child. How much supervision, intervention, does the child need, medically, behaviorally, etc? And your grandson requires 24 hour supervision. If you got information that your income is too high I would ask to see in writing the pertinent administrative guidelines. You can also contact foster parent or adoptive parent advocacy groups for special needs children. </p><p></p><p>Or maybe the attorney assigned to your grandson could help.</p><p></p><p>Copa</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 658933, member: 18958"] Hi Tish, I am so sorry you have been put in this situation. I would have responded as did you and husband. I was a foster parent, but it was fost-adopt. I wanted to adopt my son, but his birth parents still had parental rights. This was a situation where it was already clear that my son's birth parents would be unable to parent, ever. The decision making process is a balancing act: weighing the best interests of your grandson, with the capacity, willingness and motivation of your son to parent his child, and whether he will be permitted to do so by Child Protective Services and under what conditions. If there is no family member who can take him, your grandson may be best off in a foster adopt situation, and placed with a family who wants to adopt him permanently. The sooner this happens, the easier for the child, and the more potential families. Even if your son wants his child, is this in the child's best interests? So, it seems to me that decisions regarding your grandson depend upon variables that are to some extent unknown at this time: -- the likelihood of your son's having the legal right to be able to parent his child again. --the length of incarceration, if any, and subsequent mandatory substance abuse treatment (where he cannot parent even if he wanted to and was permitted to.) --your son's realistic ability to parent his child. --available and suitable family members who might be able to take your grandson, and for how long. If I were to be in the situation you are in, and there was no good family alternative, I would think about talking to my son about relinquishing the child to a permanent and loving family, as hard as that would be. As I understand it, provisions can be made to maintain relationships with the parent and grandparent. On the other hand, this may be the wake up call your son needs. But a child's life is held in the balance. Your son is an adult who is responsible for his acts. How many chances is he permitted, when his child's life is at stake? Decisions like this call for a Solomon. My heart hurts just thinking about this. I think I have an idea, Tish, how much you love your grandson. You do not deserve this. Not one bit of it. Please stay close to us and keep us posted. PS Your grandson sounds like a Regional Center candidate and there are all kinds of supports available through them. He also is likely to qualify for SSI payments, through Social Security. I could have done that for my son, and I didn't because I was stupid. Also, you could well be able to get a very hefty foster care supplement, given your grandson's special needs. I do not want to speculate as to a number, but it could be well over $1500 a month (I think that is what I received for foster care of my son, and that was 25 years ago). You can negotiate. Even as family, you are entitled to full compensation. I would get something in writing first, that you can have him with you. Then, negotiate the supplement, I think. I am pretty sure that your grandson is old enough to get an IEP, and there can be supports through the school district. The schools do early interventions in situations such as this. Where my son and I were living when he was that age, there was a free behavioral nursery school for emotionally disturbed children. It was great. My son went 8 or 9 hours a day. If you live near a large city there are public service legal organizations that will represent you for free. I got services. I do not know how to say this nicely, but this is what I want to say: If you are thinking of taking responsibility play hard ball with your son, and think about protecting your grandson and yourselves legally by establishing legal guardianship. Do not be a door mat. Don't just babysit, with your son holding the power. Get legal rights. Your son may voluntarily relinquish custody to you, and even if you are unable to keep him forever, you could hold the power to decide. If you were willing to do so, that would be no small thing in protecting your grandson. Finally, I am throwing out stuff that I can think of, with the possibility that something will stick. None of it could help or even apply, but I hope it does. Take care. Oh, I just remembered something else. At the time I adopted my son every child in the system, i.e. foster care, was assigned an attorney to represent their best interests. My son had an attorney who came to my house to meet me after he was placed with me. Maybe this might be a resource for you guys. And a couple more ideas to make things easier and safer: What about an Autism Assistance Dog, a trained support dog? You could probably get funds to pay for it from one of the sources I noted above. And/or a child harness? These are now available at Costco, they have become so common. The thinking has really changed on these. I do not think 24 hour confinement bodes well for either of you. And finally, I hope you do not think I am crass talking about money. I am coming from this point of view: you need help; you need support; your grandson is a handful; he is a handful for 20 year old kids. You are not a 20 year old kid. You need trained, competent help. That costs money. You also need to continue your life. Your private life with your husband. Your interests and your friendships. Time to lay around, with nothing to do. You need respite, in addition to that which may be freely provided. At least I would. One more thing. From my experience, one's income does not determine the foster care payment. It is determined by the needs of the child. How much supervision, intervention, does the child need, medically, behaviorally, etc? And your grandson requires 24 hour supervision. If you got information that your income is too high I would ask to see in writing the pertinent administrative guidelines. You can also contact foster parent or adoptive parent advocacy groups for special needs children. Or maybe the attorney assigned to your grandson could help. Copa [/QUOTE]
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