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Both sons in prison/baby mama arrested
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 658946" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Tish, you've received some good ideas and support. I hope you are feeling a little better today. My heart so goes out to you, we should not be put into these kind of terrible choices by our adult children........and........it is what it is. This is where we are.</p><p></p><p>In my original post, I meant to say YOU would get more benefits if YOU are the foster parent as opposed to the guardian or having custody. You may want to check on that in your state though. </p><p></p><p>And, as someone who made the choice to take on a child when I was 57 years old, (and my husband at the time left me because he did not want to raise another child, so I was alone) it is a devastatingly difficult decision, so I know where you are standing right now. It's impossible to look down the road and see how it is all going to be.</p><p></p><p>Now that my granddaughter is in college and not living with me, I can step back and look at the last 8 years with a little more objectivity........of course at this point, I can see that my intervention and subsequent choice to get permanent legal guardianship was the "right" thing to do for my granddaughter, she is thriving and on a healthy path in her own life. And I made it through.</p><p></p><p>However, Tish, there were many times it was very, very hard. Once she turned 13, all of the 'stuff" of her childhood traumas came barreling forth......she was in therapy, but the toll it was taking on me was enormous. My stress level was very high. I was on the edge a lot, my own life took a back seat for a long time while I tended to her needs. That is the choice one makes when one decides to have children, but when you are the grandparent and you didn't make the choice.....and you are at an age where you are slowing down and letting go of caring for others........this choice can be pretty traumatic. Resentments arise, but who do you resent? It's not the child's fault. So, off to therapy I went. I put my life on hold for a number of years. There was literally no one else to care for her, so even just going away for one night was problematic. And, the daily grind of just trying to get her up for school when she refused, wore me out. She went through a period of defiance and meltdowns which I was not equipped to handle. Age 13 to 16 were tough. It is very different when you are our age, that became obvious pretty quickly........we just don't have that energy, stamina and strength anymore. There is never a question of love, of course we love these little people........but can we provide them with the care, services, time, commitment and energy that they deserve?</p><p></p><p>There is also the added drama of our own children and the shenanigans they provide while we are raising THEIR children. I went through a court battle with my daughter over the guardianship. Ultimately I did receive guardianship, but having to go to court and fight your only child for custody of their only child is.......well, it is beyond what words can describe. It took me one solid year to get all the legalities out of the way, while I was dealing with trying to get my granddaughter situated in a new life. I think I can say, it was probably one of the worst years of my life. I cried all the time.</p><p></p><p>I'm not telling you this stuff to scare you TIsh, I'm telling you because this is one of those life decisions which has high drama on both sides and also the potential of great success on both sides. Whatever choice you make, there are consequences. You have to decide which consequences you can live with. If I hadn't stepped in, my granddaughter would not be the young woman she is today, off at college, happy, healthy......she turned out to be an awesome woman who I love more than anything. </p><p></p><p><u>AND</u>, raising her was really tough at times. <strong>It was not easy</strong>. And your grandson is a lot younger so you are looking at many more years.</p><p></p><p>And there is the financial responsibility too. It is expensive to raise a child.</p><p></p><p>Having said all of that, I think your idea of looking for younger relatives or younger parents to raise him is a good idea. Being 68 when he is 15 will be a hardship, I can tell you that from my vantage point right now. </p><p></p><p>And Tish, there is no right or wrong choice for you here, only you can decide what you and your husband are willing to do and not willing to do. Not one of us here can place ourselves in your shoes and know what you know and see what you see. You are the one who has to work this out in a way that you can live with. </p><p></p><p>If it were me, I would pray for guidance, I would not make an instant decision but step back and wait, the fostering for a year sounds good for that reason. That will give you the knowledge of exactly what will be expected of you and the time to research options.</p><p></p><p>From one grandmother to another Tish.......sending you a heartfelt hug and many warm and caring thoughts........whatever you decide, we're all here for you.........</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 658946, member: 13542"] Tish, you've received some good ideas and support. I hope you are feeling a little better today. My heart so goes out to you, we should not be put into these kind of terrible choices by our adult children........and........it is what it is. This is where we are. In my original post, I meant to say YOU would get more benefits if YOU are the foster parent as opposed to the guardian or having custody. You may want to check on that in your state though. And, as someone who made the choice to take on a child when I was 57 years old, (and my husband at the time left me because he did not want to raise another child, so I was alone) it is a devastatingly difficult decision, so I know where you are standing right now. It's impossible to look down the road and see how it is all going to be. Now that my granddaughter is in college and not living with me, I can step back and look at the last 8 years with a little more objectivity........of course at this point, I can see that my intervention and subsequent choice to get permanent legal guardianship was the "right" thing to do for my granddaughter, she is thriving and on a healthy path in her own life. And I made it through. However, Tish, there were many times it was very, very hard. Once she turned 13, all of the 'stuff" of her childhood traumas came barreling forth......she was in therapy, but the toll it was taking on me was enormous. My stress level was very high. I was on the edge a lot, my own life took a back seat for a long time while I tended to her needs. That is the choice one makes when one decides to have children, but when you are the grandparent and you didn't make the choice.....and you are at an age where you are slowing down and letting go of caring for others........this choice can be pretty traumatic. Resentments arise, but who do you resent? It's not the child's fault. So, off to therapy I went. I put my life on hold for a number of years. There was literally no one else to care for her, so even just going away for one night was problematic. And, the daily grind of just trying to get her up for school when she refused, wore me out. She went through a period of defiance and meltdowns which I was not equipped to handle. Age 13 to 16 were tough. It is very different when you are our age, that became obvious pretty quickly........we just don't have that energy, stamina and strength anymore. There is never a question of love, of course we love these little people........but can we provide them with the care, services, time, commitment and energy that they deserve? There is also the added drama of our own children and the shenanigans they provide while we are raising THEIR children. I went through a court battle with my daughter over the guardianship. Ultimately I did receive guardianship, but having to go to court and fight your only child for custody of their only child is.......well, it is beyond what words can describe. It took me one solid year to get all the legalities out of the way, while I was dealing with trying to get my granddaughter situated in a new life. I think I can say, it was probably one of the worst years of my life. I cried all the time. I'm not telling you this stuff to scare you TIsh, I'm telling you because this is one of those life decisions which has high drama on both sides and also the potential of great success on both sides. Whatever choice you make, there are consequences. You have to decide which consequences you can live with. If I hadn't stepped in, my granddaughter would not be the young woman she is today, off at college, happy, healthy......she turned out to be an awesome woman who I love more than anything. [U]AND[/U], raising her was really tough at times. [B]It was not easy[/B]. And your grandson is a lot younger so you are looking at many more years. And there is the financial responsibility too. It is expensive to raise a child. Having said all of that, I think your idea of looking for younger relatives or younger parents to raise him is a good idea. Being 68 when he is 15 will be a hardship, I can tell you that from my vantage point right now. And Tish, there is no right or wrong choice for you here, only you can decide what you and your husband are willing to do and not willing to do. Not one of us here can place ourselves in your shoes and know what you know and see what you see. You are the one who has to work this out in a way that you can live with. If it were me, I would pray for guidance, I would not make an instant decision but step back and wait, the fostering for a year sounds good for that reason. That will give you the knowledge of exactly what will be expected of you and the time to research options. From one grandmother to another Tish.......sending you a heartfelt hug and many warm and caring thoughts........whatever you decide, we're all here for you......... [/QUOTE]
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