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Substance Abuse
Boundaries: It's Killing Me to Say "No"
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 714138" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>I am generous too. Unlike you, it is easier for me to give to people I dont know...i cant pass up a person who is begging without giving food or money, but I did not give money to my daughter because she was my daughter and i didnt want to give her a dime for drugs. I also volunteered for many places, including a home for domestically abused women and a homeless shelter. I did not want my daughter to end up like the clients in the shelter. Desperate and unable to quit using drugs. I felt tough love was best after trying love and kindness snd second chances and my own denial. I followed Al Anon.</p><p></p><p>I am still generous to people. But I think adults feel better about themselves if they dont need their parents. I truly think so.So I raised my kids to be indedependent and even my autistic son works and has his own place on his own dime.</p><p></p><p>My attitude is that although I would easily take a bullet for my kids and granddaughter, the best gift I can give them is the feeling that they can stand on their own two feet, even the young man with a disability. I was not brought up knowing how to be independent. I wasnt given any life skills at all. So I married young and it wasnt good and I didnt get out for seventeen years. Thankfully I grew and changed and am happily married now with coping skills. It took therapy I may not have needed if given to me by my parents.</p><p></p><p>I know all my grown kids can sustain when I am no longer here. That gives me the peace of mind and freedom to plan great golden years. They are not needy, not even autistic son. All are very responsible.</p><p></p><p>I have a close relationship with my kids, but none ask for anything and it is not asif they never had any problems...older daughter used drugs, oldest son has some mental illness and there is my autistic son. My youngest daughter overcame severe learning disabilities and will soon be a police officer. Three were adopted which is a risk all its own, but they are wonderful adult kids.</p><p></p><p>So i look at things differently. I see independence as the most important thing we can give our younger ones, even if its hard for both of us. And I still cry like a fool each time I leave my daughters, the oldest whom i see every two months and lives in the next state and my youngest who I see every other week and lives an hour away. I am very silly that way <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/felttip/ignoring.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":ignoring:" title="ignoring :ignoring:" data-shortname=":ignoring:" /></p><p></p><p>Good luck. You sound very kind. Value yourself.in my opinion help grandson learn which services exist that can help him help himself. He will know you still love him.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 714138, member: 1550"] I am generous too. Unlike you, it is easier for me to give to people I dont know...i cant pass up a person who is begging without giving food or money, but I did not give money to my daughter because she was my daughter and i didnt want to give her a dime for drugs. I also volunteered for many places, including a home for domestically abused women and a homeless shelter. I did not want my daughter to end up like the clients in the shelter. Desperate and unable to quit using drugs. I felt tough love was best after trying love and kindness snd second chances and my own denial. I followed Al Anon. I am still generous to people. But I think adults feel better about themselves if they dont need their parents. I truly think so.So I raised my kids to be indedependent and even my autistic son works and has his own place on his own dime. My attitude is that although I would easily take a bullet for my kids and granddaughter, the best gift I can give them is the feeling that they can stand on their own two feet, even the young man with a disability. I was not brought up knowing how to be independent. I wasnt given any life skills at all. So I married young and it wasnt good and I didnt get out for seventeen years. Thankfully I grew and changed and am happily married now with coping skills. It took therapy I may not have needed if given to me by my parents. I know all my grown kids can sustain when I am no longer here. That gives me the peace of mind and freedom to plan great golden years. They are not needy, not even autistic son. All are very responsible. I have a close relationship with my kids, but none ask for anything and it is not asif they never had any problems...older daughter used drugs, oldest son has some mental illness and there is my autistic son. My youngest daughter overcame severe learning disabilities and will soon be a police officer. Three were adopted which is a risk all its own, but they are wonderful adult kids. So i look at things differently. I see independence as the most important thing we can give our younger ones, even if its hard for both of us. And I still cry like a fool each time I leave my daughters, the oldest whom i see every two months and lives in the next state and my youngest who I see every other week and lives an hour away. I am very silly that way :ignoring: Good luck. You sound very kind. Value yourself.in my opinion help grandson learn which services exist that can help him help himself. He will know you still love him. [/QUOTE]
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