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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 268166" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Good point about our parents, StepTo2. We would get our mouths washed out with soap (I kid you not!) if we said "shut up" even to one another. If Mum was particularly cranky, she would drag the soap across our teeth to make sure a bit got left behind.</p><p></p><p>My mother was especially moral, carrying it to extremes. She was rabid on the topic, when it was the generation of Free Love. And of course, I "channelled" all her opinions as if they were my own.</p><p></p><p>Then reality set in and I realised that life was much more demanding than my own personal strict moral code could support. I had to learn to compromise, especially when it became ME who had to make some very hard (and ultimately more compassionate) decisions.</p><p></p><p>It was years later, well after my mother's death, that I finally discovered the reason, and it had been there the whole time right under my nose, on my birth certificate. Our Aussie birth certirficates in full, list all previous siblings as well as parents' date of marriage. Our parents would lie to us, but never on an official document. All our lives, we beleived our parents' date of marriage was a year earlier than the real date. The reality - they had HAD to get married. And they never married in a church, but in a registry. No wedding dress, no honeymoon. The ultimate family shame. We were alqways told that it was abtemiousness due to the war and her parents' poor health (her mother was in hospital and missed the wedding). My mother was no naive teen, either, but 27 and the eldest daughter, possibly doomed to care for her ailnig parents until they died. getting pregnant was perhaps her ticket out, although I beleive they did live near her parents so they could keep looking after them. But my mother had seen two aunts, close in age to herself, care for their parents and never marry.</p><p></p><p>Life has changed and moved on, but I recognise I am a product of a very rigid upbringing, with parents both desperate that none of their kids should follow in their footsteps and be publicly shamed. They spent their lives trying to live it down and, I beleive, went way too far in their zeal.</p><p></p><p>Perhaps I have swung too far the other way - I don't know. I don't believe so. I used to be rigid, and found my humanity wanting, as a result. Now I feel that perhaps some people are critical of me and my moral stance, but I feel more comfortable with myself these days. I cringe when I recall some of my early attitudes and remember some of the people I must have hurt terribly, with my narrowmindeness. One girl I knew at uni got pregnant and at one stage was contemplating a termination - I was appalled and told her it would be a terrible sin to do so. She was just as insistent (at that point) that she didn't want the baby. But that was early in the pregnancy. She later on seemed to have decided to keep the baby and was maknig preparations. Then she had the baby - and it died during delivery. </p><p>My first words to the friend who told me (and I thought I was being compassionate) were, "Well, now she's had a very lucky escape."</p><p>My friend (who told me) just looked at me and said, "I didn't think you could be so hard."</p><p>I didn't think I was being hard - and not realising that, was what told me that I WAS hard, it was horrible. And I had to change. I had to grow up and wake up and smell the septic.</p><p></p><p>Life isn't easy, and we shouldn't beat ourselves (or others) up for years over it. But we do need to always be aware of where we have come from, so we can better understand where we are going.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 268166, member: 1991"] Good point about our parents, StepTo2. We would get our mouths washed out with soap (I kid you not!) if we said "shut up" even to one another. If Mum was particularly cranky, she would drag the soap across our teeth to make sure a bit got left behind. My mother was especially moral, carrying it to extremes. She was rabid on the topic, when it was the generation of Free Love. And of course, I "channelled" all her opinions as if they were my own. Then reality set in and I realised that life was much more demanding than my own personal strict moral code could support. I had to learn to compromise, especially when it became ME who had to make some very hard (and ultimately more compassionate) decisions. It was years later, well after my mother's death, that I finally discovered the reason, and it had been there the whole time right under my nose, on my birth certificate. Our Aussie birth certirficates in full, list all previous siblings as well as parents' date of marriage. Our parents would lie to us, but never on an official document. All our lives, we beleived our parents' date of marriage was a year earlier than the real date. The reality - they had HAD to get married. And they never married in a church, but in a registry. No wedding dress, no honeymoon. The ultimate family shame. We were alqways told that it was abtemiousness due to the war and her parents' poor health (her mother was in hospital and missed the wedding). My mother was no naive teen, either, but 27 and the eldest daughter, possibly doomed to care for her ailnig parents until they died. getting pregnant was perhaps her ticket out, although I beleive they did live near her parents so they could keep looking after them. But my mother had seen two aunts, close in age to herself, care for their parents and never marry. Life has changed and moved on, but I recognise I am a product of a very rigid upbringing, with parents both desperate that none of their kids should follow in their footsteps and be publicly shamed. They spent their lives trying to live it down and, I beleive, went way too far in their zeal. Perhaps I have swung too far the other way - I don't know. I don't believe so. I used to be rigid, and found my humanity wanting, as a result. Now I feel that perhaps some people are critical of me and my moral stance, but I feel more comfortable with myself these days. I cringe when I recall some of my early attitudes and remember some of the people I must have hurt terribly, with my narrowmindeness. One girl I knew at uni got pregnant and at one stage was contemplating a termination - I was appalled and told her it would be a terrible sin to do so. She was just as insistent (at that point) that she didn't want the baby. But that was early in the pregnancy. She later on seemed to have decided to keep the baby and was maknig preparations. Then she had the baby - and it died during delivery. My first words to the friend who told me (and I thought I was being compassionate) were, "Well, now she's had a very lucky escape." My friend (who told me) just looked at me and said, "I didn't think you could be so hard." I didn't think I was being hard - and not realising that, was what told me that I WAS hard, it was horrible. And I had to change. I had to grow up and wake up and smell the septic. Life isn't easy, and we shouldn't beat ourselves (or others) up for years over it. But we do need to always be aware of where we have come from, so we can better understand where we are going. Marg [/QUOTE]
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