Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by newstart, Jun 5, 2018.

  1. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    My 36 year old daughter came over this morning giving me 1/2 the rent and she is behind 2 car payments. She looked manic, sad and complained about her period. I made her a good breakfast, cut up a watermelon, she loves watermelon. She poured out her sob story about being broke and trying to make ends meet etc. Most of the time I feel sorry for her and feel like crying but this time I did not have those feelings, this time the death of my mother is taking all my feelings and instead of me feeling sorry for her, I felt as if she suffered enough maybe she will get herself out of the rat hole she constantly puts herself into. She cannot expect to disrespect us and we keep bailing her out but that is how it has been but since mom died my give a sh%# about her self pity party has gone away. I started to feel sorry for her, she looked a mess and before it would really bother me but today I found new stronger feelings and realize all she does is use and abuse me which keeps both of us stuck. I see an end to the abuse coming quicker than I thought. I can only control how I choose to act and what I choose to do. I was kind to her, said nice things and treated her with dignity and respect, but I was firm on her being responsible for herself, she was trying to pity me with telling me how much her insurance was and I kept thinking well get another job or do what you need to. I told her she was intelligent enough to figure out how she was going to make it. She always says she does not need a man to help her and I say then quit taking my man's money. She is trying to afford her and 1/2 [email protected]@ boyfriend that is how she got so behind in the first place. I explained that I have a partner and we are a team and we help each other through this life and life would be easier if she picked the right mate that had a steady job. I am sure that if she did not spend money on her 1/2 [email protected]@ boyfriend he would be gone.
    As my daughter ate her breakfast, she hung her head. I am fighting hard to not feel sorry for her and bail her out again, I will replace the feeling sorry for her nasty self and replace it with finding peace with my mothers death. As I am typing this I keep seeing in my minds eye the poor beat down her but in reality she is not a nice person.
    I say a prayer for all of us that are trying to do the right thing. Right now I will take care of myself and hopefully my daughter will take much better care of herself. My personality is to help and serve my family, friends and community but I have to rethink the very nature that I am because the very nature of who I am is NOT working with her or else I would still not be in this mess with her.
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  2. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    It's good that you see that when you try to fix/rescue her it does not work.

    We only make them more dependent on us. I can say that the last thing I want for our son is for him to be dependent on us. I hate everything about that.

    I want to live MY life with MY husband and spend OUR money doing the things we want to do.

    Like I told my son the other day, we are done. We raised our kids. He has to learn to live within his means and be independent.

    I just think about him being in this world without us someday. I want him to be prepared for that.

    I pray for your continued strength.
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  3. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    New start. Hi. And welcome.

    I am dealing with some of the same stuff.

    I have come to see that all of the problem is with me. My difficulty with staying centered in, true to myself. To even be able to identify and to hold on to my core beliefs and wants, let alone take care of myself in relation to my child.

    You are doing this!!! You are aware of your needs and limits. You are being true to yourself. You are letting her own herself. This is.a gift to her.

    The alternative would be to take over to solve things. To feel her feelings. This is what I do too much. You, not so much. Good job.

    This is what I am learning for me.

    The only possibility for control I have in life is over myself. When I start to live my son's life for him, I lose myself.

    I cannot know best for another adult. My son needs to find his own wisdom, and identify his own course. You are giving your daughter this opportunity. By staying true to you.

    My support needs to be freely given, without conditions. This is hard for me. I see so many things my son needs to change. Wrong. I have no vote here.

    When I begin to have goals for my son, believe he should do this or that, I have abandoned myself. I have set myself up to be manipulated I have set up a power struggle. I, not he has set this up. I am at least half the problem.

    I am seeing the more we let them solve things, the more of a shot we all have. But that does not mean I cannot support him. But first I need to be whole myself. And not be trying to deal with my own feelings, fears and lacks thru him.

    I hope you keep posting. I have learned a lot from your post. Thank you.
    Last edited: Jun 5, 2018
  4. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Newstart, you are doing really great!

    Your daughter is trying hard to manipulate you and she is not succeeding. Our difficult adult children are so good at playing the pity party game.

    You fixed her breakfast and spent time with her and that is ALL you should do. Good job and staying strong and standing firm.
  5. Mine too

    Mine too New Member

  6. Mine too

    Mine too New Member

    It’s great that you are taking control of not allowing your heart overrule your head. I too have one of these 30 something children, only mine stole everything from me and pawned it off for cash while he was living with me. I only found out after I kicked him out. He is a fantastic liar and is a professional manipulator. Never paid rent, helped with bills, always had an excuse for everything. After a year has gone by I was thinking that he was changing but recently found out that it’s just not true. I pray for him every day. He still lives away from me and i’ve Told him that I will always love him but I’m just done with trying to keep my relationship with him.
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