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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 637784" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Day, your real sweet loving son is still there, but he has been hijacked by his disease---addiction and mental illness. </p><p></p><p>It is very hard to be in a relationship with anyone in active mental illness, including addiction. There is no balanced playing field.</p><p>There are three entities in the relationship: You, him and the addiction. For him, the addiction is prime and always will take first place until he is in recovery (if he is an addict). </p><p></p><p>I think that is another thing we have to learn about and then accept. We still love our sons very much, but we don't like to be around them much because the relationship is not mutually respectful and loving. </p><p></p><p>There is nothing wrong with our saying that is not okay. To continue, we have to set physical boundaries for ourselves, to see them and talk to them...some...on a limited basis...we don't have to draw a hard line in the sand, but we can experiment with time and space and distance to see what we can tolerate and what works for us.</p><p></p><p>That is what I have done, over time. I don't need to have my son's lifestyle, decision-making processes, choices and results of those choices in my face all day long every day. If I do, I go nuts. He and I have lived very, very different lives over the past five years.</p><p></p><p>I have grown to detest drama and rampant chaos and one unsettling event after another. I need peace and contentment and serenity and simple pleasures in my life. He has brought the opposite, like a whirling tornado.</p><p></p><p>That doesn't mean I don't love him dearly. Day, we can only stand so much. Then, we have to take a break, in order to save ourselves. There is nothing wrong with that. Everybody has limits, even mothers.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 637784, member: 17542"] Day, your real sweet loving son is still there, but he has been hijacked by his disease---addiction and mental illness. It is very hard to be in a relationship with anyone in active mental illness, including addiction. There is no balanced playing field. There are three entities in the relationship: You, him and the addiction. For him, the addiction is prime and always will take first place until he is in recovery (if he is an addict). I think that is another thing we have to learn about and then accept. We still love our sons very much, but we don't like to be around them much because the relationship is not mutually respectful and loving. There is nothing wrong with our saying that is not okay. To continue, we have to set physical boundaries for ourselves, to see them and talk to them...some...on a limited basis...we don't have to draw a hard line in the sand, but we can experiment with time and space and distance to see what we can tolerate and what works for us. That is what I have done, over time. I don't need to have my son's lifestyle, decision-making processes, choices and results of those choices in my face all day long every day. If I do, I go nuts. He and I have lived very, very different lives over the past five years. I have grown to detest drama and rampant chaos and one unsettling event after another. I need peace and contentment and serenity and simple pleasures in my life. He has brought the opposite, like a whirling tornado. That doesn't mean I don't love him dearly. Day, we can only stand so much. Then, we have to take a break, in order to save ourselves. There is nothing wrong with that. Everybody has limits, even mothers. [/QUOTE]
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