Calm now. Another, last vent

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by SomewhereOutThere, Apr 4, 2018.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I vented in a very catharic (spelled wrong) way and I meant what I said .That was my reality. But my sister is still alive and she may have read it. I truly don't know if she did or not because I am not checking her b p d site, but I feel I should explain that she has been toxic to me, but is not a monster.

    My sister is very sensitive, like me, and is easily hurt. She was very kind to my father in his last months...she is the only one who lived anywhere near him and had to be the one.She visited often. She is smart and has social skills. She has attractive and smart kids. Because she kept cutting me off, our kids never got to know one another and I didn't get to know her kids nor her mine. I think this is a double loss. My kids are very special too and she didn't know them. The two sets of kids may have become close cousins if they had grown up together.

    Our problems are not just her fault. I was not perfect. What bothers me is her reactions (cut offs and cops) whenever she was upset with me. I also do not appreciate her subtle digs at me such as "T. Is great for you, but he is not for me." I so didn't need the last part of her comment. He is not for her for sure. He is way too nice and loving. But who knows? She may not have known that this hurt me very much. I know he isn't her type. She didn't have to say it. But...she is hard to read. She may have added it as a passive aggressive dig but she may not have meant anything. Since I and she are both very sensitive there are times i am sure we both thought one another was hurting the other. And we didn't mean to.

    But that isn't why we ended. It was the risk of more cops and no apology for anything. I am too old to deal with multiple no contact cut offs and sudden returns and definitely don't want to see the cops again. She is troubled, as all of us were, but not a monster. I needed to vent all of my hurt and grief but want to soften it now.

    This was the final straw.

    It was when my sister's home was broken into by her abusive boyfriend and he was threatening her and I told her to call the cops and she wouldn't...and I said, puzzled, "And you won't call the cops on him yet you think you should have called the cops on me all those times over, say, an email?" and she said "Yes" I asked her if she felt I was more dangerous than him. She replied,"At the time I did.,"

    I was speechless. I had never broken I to her house or threatened her in any way. But there is an important back storysfor those not yet bored...lol.

    Okay, here is the back story. The very first time she called the cops was her very first no contact cut off and although she claims that she told me why she was doing this, I didn't know why. I either didn't hear her or she really didn't say but she hung up and refused to answer the phone. I loved her more than anyone except my kids and was shattered.

    Devestated and stunned, I drove to her house to try to get her to come out and talk to me and i banged on the door crying. She peaked through the drapes and the next thing I know the cops were there. I had no intention of harming her. I had no history of any sort of violence. But she had every right to call the police to make me leave. It was her property. I do not include this incident in her wrongfully calling the cops on me although, trust me, I would never ever have done the same. But when I mention how she called the cops on me I wonder if this is the only incident she thinks about.

    Yet it was only the beginning.

    My sister must have liked the power of the cops. After that if I called her and she was mad, if I emailed her and she was mad she called the cops to tell me to stop contacting ting her. Sometimes I didn't know she was mad so I got the cops for an email she didn't want. This went on and on. Hubby and I had young kids then. Whenever the cops came it was always a surprise because nobody had broken the law. My littles were terrified of the endless cops. The cops were apologetic. Eventually we moved out of state and thought that would be the end of the cops. It wasn't.

    I should have never revived my relationship with my sister again after the second time she no contact cut me off and called the cops, but she would come back when SHE wanted to, and I loved her so I took her back. We never discussed the cops. A mistake. I should have said that it scared my kids and that if she used that method again when she was mad, I could not take her back. But nobody said I was smart or set good boundaries so this renewed contact, her getting angry at me, and cutting me to no contact and calling the cops continued. She called the Wisconsin cops when she didn't like an email and she still lived in Illinois. The cop she got often in my small town was a personal friend and I told her. Maybe she called to embarrass me. I wasn't. He knew it was her, not me. He knew us well, our girls were friends, and nobody else ever called the police on us. He stopped coming to our house when she called to complain about an email and told me once that she sounded unstable. So that didn't HURT us but I think she hoped it would. And it was more of the same nonsense. Moving hadn't stopped it.

    So.....when I talked to my sister for our very last talk and she said that she called the cops on me because I had scared her more than her abusive boyfriend "at the time" she could have only have meant the first time she called them on me, when I was banging on her door crying. I wasn't inside her house nor did I try to break in and he DID break in, but perhaps she really WAS more afraid of me the first time she called the cops on me than when this abusive man threatened her and broke into her house. It's possible.

    But what about the other 20 to 50 times she called the cops on me for calling her or writing an email at the wrong time??? Did THAT scare her more than her abusive boyfriend breaking in and threatening her? Even when I was in another state? Or does she only think of the first time she called the cops on me? The other times didn't count? None of them?

    Something was and is wrong here. Does she know it,? I think she liked to use the cops to control me. I also dont think she let anyone else know how often she called the cops on me because, face it, anyone she told would have thought she was a bit addled. And only *I* am allowed to be thought of as addled...lol. Anyway, moving on, and, yes, I am still calm....

    That was it. The end. As Bugs Bunny used to say. "That's All Folks!" FINALLY. I knew she could never understand the extreme impact her calling the cops repeatedly had on me when I had never broken the law or threatened her. The effect was not only on me, but my husband and YOUNG KIDS. They were very little and terrified when she first started calling the cops. But (scratching head) she had to protect her abusive boyfriend even when she had no problem calling the cops on me for all those years, even after we moved to another state. The contrast of how she worried about the effects of the cops on her abusive boyfriend and how she had no worries over the effects on MY family was and is bewildering and our good-bye. I still don't think she understands. Because I sure don't understand.

    Here is an idea though. My mother demeaned me all her life and my uncle, a big part of her life, did too. When I was a small child my anorexic uncle (he was very sick with this,but later on) used to call me "The Brat" in front of my mother. She worshipped him and I remember her saying under her breath, with a laugh, "Oh, Stu, stop" but she sounded good natured. Calling me a Brat hurt me a lot and I cried, but didnt bother her my mother and he always used it. And she never really put her foot down. He never liked me. Remember. Like my mother disliked me as a baby, so did he. Or maybe she influennced her brother to tease me.

    Now Sister says she was not influenced by the dynamic duo ((Mother and Uncle) but after my reading obsessively about family scapegoats and personality disordered parents, I believe it affected her tons and tons. Even if it was sub conscious. And I think it affected my very nice brother too in regards to me. After all, he never sent my sister a letter about what she had done to him and, trust me, it was far worse than anything I ever did and lasted much longer and was malicious. It was hideous since her shun was because she found him ugly. The truth is the truth. That was why she laughed at him and didn't invite him to her wedding. There was no other reason. I can only guess how she lied her way out of that. He must have realized it was odd not to be invited to her wedding....but he must have bought her spin. She is good at that.

    And I can't really think of anything but one wrong thing I said about bro that he found out about, yet he wrote a nasty letter only to me. I have apologized. He didn't deserve that from me though. It was truly me at my stupid worse having a meltdown because my family, especially Dad, was blaming me harshly and meanly for something I couldnt control and my dad had screamed at me like a demented banshee and cussed me out and told me he would never speak to me again. I should have just let it go...but after he hung up on me, not gently, I was shaking and very hurt and my husband was not home for support...so I did The Stupid. Here is The Stupid....in all it's glory....

    I left an insanely stupid voicemail on my dad's machine about my brother to hurt my father because I had been so hurt and I didn't mean what I said but my brother heard it. I had not known my brother was visiting my dad or NEVER!!!! How moronic can I be? Sometimes, when the family bullied me, pretty damn idiotic! But this vent is not to make me look like an angel. It's to tell the truth. Funny, I only had meltdowns with DNA. Nobody else picked on me...I dunno. Never said I was perfect but I sure felt badly. And so....I acted like the demented banshees cousin...but...

    i told bro I didn't mean it and spent a while feeling like an idiot but it was the was only bad experience we had, although my fault I am glad I never read the letter my brother sent to me. I can't imagine, other than that incident, what he could have said about me unless it was about how HE, golden child, thought the scapegoat treated our mother harshly (ignoring her extreme abuse of my mother to me). Who knows what my mother had whispered in his ear? So I never read the letter. Husband tore it up and threw it in the garbage at his workplace.

    I am trying to be honest here. All ways. This is how it was with my mother. The actual truth is that my mother had always abused and disliked me and would not accept my love letters, extreme apologies for things I didn't even know what I had done and she did.not want the love I had for her. She hated me so much she took it out on my kids and dumped them. Not even a birthday card. She never even met Sonic or Jumper. But my mother would not have told my brother how much I loved her and that I tried hard to show her. I needed to look bad. Or she would turn something positive I did into her own negative....

    She told my sister that I only called her, my mother, to annoy her. I have no idea why she said that...it was so not true. Which brings us to a very relevant topic that I am considering starting a vlog about: The Family Scapegoat.

    Both of my siblings were affected by my mother and uncle's disdain of me. That's how scapegoating works. Piggyback the leader. Mother was the boss of the family. I learned so much about scapegoating. So much. It is only in sick family systems. I have read multiple books, listened to endless YouTube videos, talked about it with my therapist and understand well now about how family treats the scapegoat. It is a family effort started by a narc or borderline parent.

    So it isn't all on Sis. And Bro. If my mother had treated me humanly, everyone else would have too. This is a fact So that's where it came from. Every person wants, above all else, to love and be loved by the mother, and certainly my mother was far more important to both of my siblings than I was. Certainly they listened to her and believed her. And I never even got a hearing, not that mine could have been fair. The scapegoat can never win in FOO. Never. I have learned this and accept it. It is best not to try to defend yourself to them. Truly best to walk away and find a loving family of choice. The scapegoat will be damaged the longer she sticks around. When my mother would not respond to my love I quit and it was very good for me. Although in the back of my mind, it always hurt a little. I did have abundant love elsewhere. And ultimately the Hallmark family, at least in my eyes and heart.

    I have no doubt, nor have any of my therapists, that my mother had a personality disorder. I never told my sister what they said about our mother because she wouldnt have believed it was factual. After all, *I* am the lying, evil scapegoat never to be taken seriously :). But I know it's true and all personality disordered parents have a golden child and a scapegoat. And my mother did. And it affected everyone else. That's how it works. And although Sis likes to pretend otherwise, I was never diagnosed with a personality disorder. Nobody thought I had one. I asked because of my parents! I asked more than one psychologist if I had one. But they explained what I really had and I took every psychological test including the biggie the MMPI test twice! i took it at 23 and in mymy mid 40s. It is very accurate and even knows if you are giving false answers but I wanted it to be accurate, no matter what it showed, so my lie factor was not much. Everyone has some lie factor but mine was very low. So...

    I had long term mental healthcare professionals who knew all about me and saw me at best and in my worst despair. One was from Mayo Clinic! I was tested extensively by him and told my empathy level was high and inconsistent with a personality disorder. I did have a mood disorder, medicated well, and I had Fifty shades of anxiety. Nothing else. Nada. Aside from the controlled mood disorder and anxiety he told me I was normal. So had my first psychiatrist from the University of Chicago when I was 23. So it is.

    I am philosophical about my FOO, now that I got it all out. I understand. And my mother was not exactly a scapegoat in her family, but my hated uncle was my grandma's golden child. Mother was easily the less favored child and she threw it up to my grandma all the time and my grandma who was so close to me, complained about that to me and denied it. But it was true. by the way I was her golden grandchild. So these roles went through the generations probably. Many that we didn't know about probably....

    I stopped that crap in my family. None of my kids would or do feel lesser than. None EVER accused me of favoring another child or disliking them, not even difficult Bart. I believe my sister stopped the crap too and good for her!! Good for both of us!!

    If my sister is reading this, I loved you very much and still love you. BUT this is not a "maybe" invitation back someday. Dont try.tit will fail. i still need us to be apart and sadly, for my own mental health and mistrust about more cops coming, I will attempt legal action if you contact me in any way...phone, text, mail or Tom...he is furious about the cops. More than me. They scared his babies. His babies are/were
    everything. Please leave him be. He was nice to you because he is a kind man.

    You are no longer in control of our relationship. Nobody is. It is no more.

    I hope you stop reading me and stop thinking about me. I know it is eerily hard to do. But I have not gone anywhere you would post and will not. If you happen to post here I will put your reply on ignore. Or Daphne. Let her read about the cops or how you at 29 would not invite R. to your wedding becsuse in your mind he was too ugly for your friends to see.

    One trait I have is tremendous willpower. If I say I won't read anything you put down anywhere, I won't. I do admire many things about you. Your compassion in my opinion is not up to speed. I can't see how you feel you are an empath at all, though or maybe it's just not there for me (shrug).

    And I am still as calm as my darling snoring dogs (see avator!).

    Luck, love and light. To all. No monsters here. Just two people who are not good for one another.

    No comments from the forum please. Thanks!! Video about family dynamics in dysfunctional families right below.
     
    Last edited: Apr 6, 2018
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    One of many videos about Scapegoating and dysfunctional family dynamics. There are tons and worthy of listening to if this is you. Don't be me, scapegoated most of my life by my family of origin. It luckily did NOT ruin my life, but it could have and it could ruin yours. Learn why you are scapegoated, think about if you want to be or if you need to leave, find a family of choice who loves you, don't try to talk your toxic family into thinking you are a good person. YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON, but you will never talk your scapegoating family into accepting it. Scapegoats are often the most aware of all the children and most apt to call out the narc on her B.S. That's not a bad thing. It takes strength!

    In my family dad was a Narcicist but not interested in family and never home so hehwas almost a nonfactor. He a was abused by my borderline mother. My siblings would say he abused her. I disagree. She belittled him like she did me but he got crazy sometimes too. Mother said just the right thing to press buttons but Dad was no prince. Still mother was always home and ruled the family. For me it was torture.

    i think brother was golden child because mother worshipped her brother and her son reminded her of him. Plus he was good natured never made her feel bad and he had a chronic illness and needed her. I was the scapegoat because my mother did not like herself at all and I reminded her of herself plus I was difficult and called her out on the b.s. and did not always listen to her. Although I actually was a goody two shoes and didn't drink AT ALL or use drugs or have sex as a teen I still got the scapegoat label and I suspect mother thought I might be doing everything I didn't do. At least once she asked me if I was pregnant. I dated a lot but refused to be like everyone else and let boys use me...I cared about respecting my body. But my mother didn't believe I was a good kid. Being the scapegoat is a :censored2: :)
    My sister did everything I didn't do but was the lost child until age 29 and my mother didn't notice her in the least until.she developed anorexia in college. Then mother was a little more concerned about her but not enough to spend time with her instead of seeing her boyfriend all the time. After all Sis was away at school and my mother was living her second childhoodcand could not be bothered to worry about her kid.

    Her boyfriend was not a good choice (bigbsurprise). In the end he cheated on her and broke whatever heart my mother had.

    Why was I the only one who could love a GOOD man? Hmmmm.

    The lost child can be as damaged or moreso than the scapegoat.
    By the time sis was in college with anorexia, mother had obviously left my dad and was enjoying being the Belle of the Ball.

    My sister copied her a lot and divorced her husband at around the same age, found an even worse boyfriend than my mother had had and her end of her story will not be known to me. Last I heard it was seven years of abuse with bad abusive boyfriend with her being unable/unwilling to find the inner strength to cut him out of her life because she loves him. As of our last contact near Christmas 2017 the cliffhanger was that she has a lot of trouble getting close to anyone and is not attracted to nice men and alcohol seems to be a big part of her relationships. Lots of drinking from both. She likes her wine. Too much in my opinion. Even her user name on another site is the name of an alcoholic drink.

    Both my mom and sister picked much younger men. Well, 7 and 6 years younger respectively and both men looked younger still and are very handsome. I dont think my sister will accept aging. She is rather hung up on being beautiful and she cant anymore! She is 58. We all change...I felt my sister, in spite trying hard to shed her lost child status, but my opinion is that she is still very much a lost child. She still doesnt eat, diets if she weighs 100 lbs. I can't recall her ever eating a meal in front of me. Obsessed with her frail build she overexercises. Very sad. I doubt she ever told her doctor about her eating disorder. The doctor probably feels she is this thin naturally but that isn't true. One of her charges is obsessed with nutrition and overexercises too. I hope it is not an eating disorder. My sister would not recognize one to intervene.

    The lost child is a very sad family role too. I feel sorry for my sister. She did not ever have my spunk and fight nor my ability to get intimate with others nor my ability to let people go if they are toxic. She is frozen, unable to love or move or change. It was hard for me to watch her continue to interact with a man who is obviously capable of certain degrees of danger. And HIM she won't call the cops on because he would dump her forever if she did. And she can't allow that. Me? I was expendable but this man is not.

    Thanks to my grandma, I can get very close to people...not a problem. I feel I am the one not emotionally stunted. Maybe because I spent decades with only minimal contact with my emotionally stunted mother. It was my mother's choice, but a benefit to me. Even though it hurt at the time. I gravitate towards kind people. Thank you, God.

    Golden child sweet brother has never as far as I know had a steady girlfriend and has no children. But his illness may have played a part. I have no idea of the golden child's ability to attach. I hope he can and does.

    I am the only one in my FOO in a healthy relationship going on 24 years, dead or alive.

    I find this a fascinating topic as a recovered scapegoat. I think this lady in the video is pretty much right on. She is not the only one speaking out. It's about time that this is out there.

    Enjoy!! Explore this further if it resonates. YouTube has a supply of like videos.
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    Last edited: Apr 5, 2018