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Can we chat about Matt?
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<blockquote data-quote="Hound dog" data-source="post: 437965" data-attributes="member: 84"><p>Steely</p><p></p><p>I'm going to be direct. I hope it doesn't come across harsh, because I don't mean it to be. It's been a long stressful exhausting 2 weeks for me. </p><p></p><p>Here is the question you should be asking yourself above everything else:</p><p></p><p><strong>Who is going to be there to fill my role with Matt when I'm gone? </strong></p><p></p><p>The answer is no one. No one is going to go the above and beyond lengths that you do for Matt, regardless of his dxes. </p><p></p><p>So. If you continue to fill this role for Matt where is that going to leave him in the future? Odds are high he's going to be still in a similar place he's in right now because he's not been forced to learn differently. We all know society isn't going to care much if he has LDs or executive functioning issues or mental illness. He has got to learn to face the world on his own two feet. He can only learn to do that by <strong>doing it</strong>.</p><p></p><p>He is a grown man. He needs to make his own choices, right or wrong. He needs to make his mistakes and learn from them, just like everyone else does. He needs to learn that he can accomplish things on his own and feel the pride in those accomplishments. Unfortunately, he tends to cling to you instead of seeking out independence. </p><p></p><p>You can look at my sig and see Travis' dxes. And to be honest those are just the high points as he has cognitive and executive issues as well and some big sensory issues. I don't "do" for Travis. The day he turned 18......well I just don't. I don't call docs. I don't call schools. I didn't help him fill out loan forms and applications ect for college or work. He works around the house for his cigarettes. He's working with his dad to get disability going. He works making computer games online. Travis is treated like and expected to act like an adult regardless of his dxes. If he needs medications and he doesn't call a doctor.....well, then he doesn't have medications. If he needs cigarettes but doesn't want to work around here to earn them, he does without. If he doesn't register for classes ect he doesn't go to school that quarter. </p><p></p><p>Now that may not sound like a huge deal. But I now share many of the same cognitive issues with Travis. I can tell you without shame that I can't make heads nor tails out of college loan forms or applications. I had to have help. Actually I had to have my girls fill them out as I got "lost" in the process. Now Travis had to do those things on his own, of course he could ask for help like I did, but he had to make sure they got turned in on time ect.........But HE managed to get them filled out by himself, when I couldn't. Ok, so it took him 3 yrs to understand the process enough to actually make it into class.....but HE did it. And he learned a TON while he was doing it. Mostly though he learned if he wanted something bad enough and kept trying that he could get it. </p><p></p><p>So I guess what I'm trying to say is......ok, Matt has these dxes. But if you're not careful, you could enable him to the point where the dxes become crippling while trying to do the opposite simply because you're doing all the work and he's not learning anything. People used to think I was a cold hearted witch because I expected Travis to live up to the same expectations of his sisters regardless of his dxes. Rules weren't modified for him (actually in some ways they were stricter on him until he could prove he could handle the responsibility of freedom and privileges) chores weren't modified for him. He had an IEP at school but was still expected to be responsible for his own homework and grades, getting up in time to go, ect. I did it because that is what the world would expect of him. I did it so he would learn and grow and adapt to the best of his abilities even with his dxes. Sometimes that learning to adapt was a mountain.....because he had to find ways to do things that other people take for granted that to him were a monumental task.... </p><p></p><p>A person with disabilities can't learn to adapt to their environment if there is always someone there clearing the trail for them. And during times when others made me doubt myself I'd think well what about when I'm gone? His sisters would help, no doubt. But as much as they love him and would be willing to help they have their own lives and their own families........and let's be honest, no one is gonna do what a Mom does. And that would scare me. Because when I'm not longer here, he's got to be able to survive and thrive in the world around him regardless of his dxes. </p><p></p><p>Bottom line is that Matt is an adult. He needs to make his own way through life. I think you're starting to see this. And while it may make you feel a tad guilty about letting go and letting him learn to stand on his own.....it needs to happen. It doesn't mean he can't come to you with questions or discussion or what ever if he wants or needs to. Just means it's all up to him.</p><p></p><p>And that let's you focus on you. Which you've needed to do for a very long time. You need to take care of Steely, and let others learn to take care of themselves.</p><p></p><p>Like I said, I hope this didn't come across sounding harsh. I'm tired and my brain is in stress mode shut down so I'm not wording things very well. I really do understand your concern for Matt. And I understand your worry. But with an adult child you really have no control of the choices they make anyway. So if you can learn to step back and let him just DO and learn.....you will find yourself MUCH less stressed.</p><p></p><p>(((hugs)))</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Hound dog, post: 437965, member: 84"] Steely I'm going to be direct. I hope it doesn't come across harsh, because I don't mean it to be. It's been a long stressful exhausting 2 weeks for me. Here is the question you should be asking yourself above everything else: [B]Who is going to be there to fill my role with Matt when I'm gone? [/B] The answer is no one. No one is going to go the above and beyond lengths that you do for Matt, regardless of his dxes. So. If you continue to fill this role for Matt where is that going to leave him in the future? Odds are high he's going to be still in a similar place he's in right now because he's not been forced to learn differently. We all know society isn't going to care much if he has LDs or executive functioning issues or mental illness. He has got to learn to face the world on his own two feet. He can only learn to do that by [B]doing it[/B]. He is a grown man. He needs to make his own choices, right or wrong. He needs to make his mistakes and learn from them, just like everyone else does. He needs to learn that he can accomplish things on his own and feel the pride in those accomplishments. Unfortunately, he tends to cling to you instead of seeking out independence. You can look at my sig and see Travis' dxes. And to be honest those are just the high points as he has cognitive and executive issues as well and some big sensory issues. I don't "do" for Travis. The day he turned 18......well I just don't. I don't call docs. I don't call schools. I didn't help him fill out loan forms and applications ect for college or work. He works around the house for his cigarettes. He's working with his dad to get disability going. He works making computer games online. Travis is treated like and expected to act like an adult regardless of his dxes. If he needs medications and he doesn't call a doctor.....well, then he doesn't have medications. If he needs cigarettes but doesn't want to work around here to earn them, he does without. If he doesn't register for classes ect he doesn't go to school that quarter. Now that may not sound like a huge deal. But I now share many of the same cognitive issues with Travis. I can tell you without shame that I can't make heads nor tails out of college loan forms or applications. I had to have help. Actually I had to have my girls fill them out as I got "lost" in the process. Now Travis had to do those things on his own, of course he could ask for help like I did, but he had to make sure they got turned in on time ect.........But HE managed to get them filled out by himself, when I couldn't. Ok, so it took him 3 yrs to understand the process enough to actually make it into class.....but HE did it. And he learned a TON while he was doing it. Mostly though he learned if he wanted something bad enough and kept trying that he could get it. So I guess what I'm trying to say is......ok, Matt has these dxes. But if you're not careful, you could enable him to the point where the dxes become crippling while trying to do the opposite simply because you're doing all the work and he's not learning anything. People used to think I was a cold hearted witch because I expected Travis to live up to the same expectations of his sisters regardless of his dxes. Rules weren't modified for him (actually in some ways they were stricter on him until he could prove he could handle the responsibility of freedom and privileges) chores weren't modified for him. He had an IEP at school but was still expected to be responsible for his own homework and grades, getting up in time to go, ect. I did it because that is what the world would expect of him. I did it so he would learn and grow and adapt to the best of his abilities even with his dxes. Sometimes that learning to adapt was a mountain.....because he had to find ways to do things that other people take for granted that to him were a monumental task.... A person with disabilities can't learn to adapt to their environment if there is always someone there clearing the trail for them. And during times when others made me doubt myself I'd think well what about when I'm gone? His sisters would help, no doubt. But as much as they love him and would be willing to help they have their own lives and their own families........and let's be honest, no one is gonna do what a Mom does. And that would scare me. Because when I'm not longer here, he's got to be able to survive and thrive in the world around him regardless of his dxes. Bottom line is that Matt is an adult. He needs to make his own way through life. I think you're starting to see this. And while it may make you feel a tad guilty about letting go and letting him learn to stand on his own.....it needs to happen. It doesn't mean he can't come to you with questions or discussion or what ever if he wants or needs to. Just means it's all up to him. And that let's you focus on you. Which you've needed to do for a very long time. You need to take care of Steely, and let others learn to take care of themselves. Like I said, I hope this didn't come across sounding harsh. I'm tired and my brain is in stress mode shut down so I'm not wording things very well. I really do understand your concern for Matt. And I understand your worry. But with an adult child you really have no control of the choices they make anyway. So if you can learn to step back and let him just DO and learn.....you will find yourself MUCH less stressed. (((hugs))) [/QUOTE]
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