Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Can we talk about what boundaries really mean?
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 627126" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I always told myself that my sister needed me. She was younger. I was responsible because I was older. (By two and a half years ~ which isn't much, when you're both little kids and the situation is abusive. But I never thought that way, until now. I felt so guilty and responsible because I could not protect anyone. Not even myself, of course.) </p><p></p><p>I have that shocky feeling too, about my family. I remember that same feeling when I read your posting on abusive adult children and realized my own son was being abusive to me. I don't know why we forever forgave the nastiness in the words these people spoke to us, MWM. My sister was not verbally abusive until I called her on some of the things she was saying and doing to our brother. But boy, when she let loose. That was a shock, too.</p><p></p><p>But now that I am seeing? I have that same, shocky feeling. </p><p></p><p>I looked up bullying on the internet? Boy, that was helpful to me.</p><p> </p><p></p><p></p><p>That is a pattern in our dysfunctional family too, MWM. Everyone is running everyone else down behind their backs, or treating them as unimportant to their faces. It's all so pointless, so stupidly ugly. They say dysfunctional families do that because the children were raised in an atmosphere of scarcity. The other sibs must be destroyed so there will be enough for you.</p><p></p><p>I hope I never did that?</p><p></p><p>But I am sure I did.</p><p></p><p>Like Maya Angelou says: When we knew better, we did better.</p><p></p><p>My sister and my mother do that too, MWM. Between them, they create a reality skewed (decidedly skewed) in their favor. But here's the thing: What they get out of it makes no sense. I don't understand the putting someone else down making the person feel better. That would just make all of us feel worse, right? </p><p></p><p>But that is what they are doing, alright.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Now that I have been listening and responding differently to my sister? She tells me RIGHT IN THAT MINUTE that I said something different than what I just said. Do you know that, until I caught on to what I was doing, I explained what I had meant by what I had said, over and over?</p><p></p><p>My sister never budged from her interpretation AND I WAS TALKING TO HER AT THE VERY MINUTE SHE WAS TELLING ME STORIES ABOUT WHAT I JUST SAID!!!</p><p></p><p>?</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I WILL not have this toxicity in my life.</p><p></p><p>You all know I was addicted to Beverly Hills Housewives for awhile, there. One of them who was in a contentious relationship with one of the others said: "It's not acceptable."</p><p></p><p>That is all she said.</p><p></p><p>Clear, steady, no defensiveness.</p><p></p><p>"That's not acceptable."</p><p></p><p>So, I have been using that.</p><p></p><p>When we don't know how to think in a healthy way about standing up for ourselves? That is when I try to catch an episode or two of Beverly Hills Housewives.</p><p></p><p>It works, for me.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>husband gave me this one, just the other day. I was wondering what was going to happen next with me rebellion to my family of origin.</p><p></p><p>"I told you what I expected."</p><p></p><p>That's it.</p><p></p><p>Simple.</p><p></p><p>Keep it really simple, so you don't forget, when the time comes.</p><p></p><p>I realized I'm actually afraid of all this confrontation. Part of me is. Now that I am healthier from being here on the site? A bigger, brighter, freer, kinder and more sincere part of me refuses to accept anything less.</p><p></p><p>I like it.</p><p></p><p>I'm pretty scared? But I really like this standing up business.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 627126, member: 17461"] I always told myself that my sister needed me. She was younger. I was responsible because I was older. (By two and a half years ~ which isn't much, when you're both little kids and the situation is abusive. But I never thought that way, until now. I felt so guilty and responsible because I could not protect anyone. Not even myself, of course.) I have that shocky feeling too, about my family. I remember that same feeling when I read your posting on abusive adult children and realized my own son was being abusive to me. I don't know why we forever forgave the nastiness in the words these people spoke to us, MWM. My sister was not verbally abusive until I called her on some of the things she was saying and doing to our brother. But boy, when she let loose. That was a shock, too. But now that I am seeing? I have that same, shocky feeling. I looked up bullying on the internet? Boy, that was helpful to me. That is a pattern in our dysfunctional family too, MWM. Everyone is running everyone else down behind their backs, or treating them as unimportant to their faces. It's all so pointless, so stupidly ugly. They say dysfunctional families do that because the children were raised in an atmosphere of scarcity. The other sibs must be destroyed so there will be enough for you. I hope I never did that? But I am sure I did. Like Maya Angelou says: When we knew better, we did better. My sister and my mother do that too, MWM. Between them, they create a reality skewed (decidedly skewed) in their favor. But here's the thing: What they get out of it makes no sense. I don't understand the putting someone else down making the person feel better. That would just make all of us feel worse, right? But that is what they are doing, alright. Now that I have been listening and responding differently to my sister? She tells me RIGHT IN THAT MINUTE that I said something different than what I just said. Do you know that, until I caught on to what I was doing, I explained what I had meant by what I had said, over and over? My sister never budged from her interpretation AND I WAS TALKING TO HER AT THE VERY MINUTE SHE WAS TELLING ME STORIES ABOUT WHAT I JUST SAID!!! ? I WILL not have this toxicity in my life. You all know I was addicted to Beverly Hills Housewives for awhile, there. One of them who was in a contentious relationship with one of the others said: "It's not acceptable." That is all she said. Clear, steady, no defensiveness. "That's not acceptable." So, I have been using that. When we don't know how to think in a healthy way about standing up for ourselves? That is when I try to catch an episode or two of Beverly Hills Housewives. It works, for me. husband gave me this one, just the other day. I was wondering what was going to happen next with me rebellion to my family of origin. "I told you what I expected." That's it. Simple. Keep it really simple, so you don't forget, when the time comes. I realized I'm actually afraid of all this confrontation. Part of me is. Now that I am healthier from being here on the site? A bigger, brighter, freer, kinder and more sincere part of me refuses to accept anything less. I like it. I'm pretty scared? But I really like this standing up business. Cedar [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Can we talk about what boundaries really mean?
Top