I am having a very interesting experience right now with my difficult child sister, who I have an on again, off again relationship with because if she gets upset with me she will cut me off for various periods of time. Well, she is upset again, this time because I thought I was setting a boundary, and her reaction made me wonder about boundaries...are they an attempt to control the other person as she suggests? I simply told her, and have been leading up to telling her, that I could no longer hear her talking about her abusive boyfriend, who she admits or HAS admitted is abusive, because it makes me frightened for her so...if she still wanted to see him and felt she loved him, I would rather not know about it. Her reaction was interesting. And thought provoking. She said "I will talk about what I want. You can not control and manipulate me about what we talk about." Forget that she has done this to me a thousand times, like we can't talk about our mother, but she claims that this is different because Mother is Mother and she loved her. I have always gone along with topics she wanted to ban. Jumper is another person she doesn't want to hear about. "I don't talk about MY kids. You think Jumper is perfect, but she isn't." Ok, so we don't talk about our kids. When we set a boundary, I always thought it was about ourselves and what we can/can't handle and not about the other person, but she kind of made me wonder about that and feel guilty. I can actually see her point. Yet I do love my sister and I worry so when she is alone with this man that has blackouts from drinking and seems to in my opinion stalk her when she tries to cut him off from her life and she always goes back to him. Is my request going too far? I tried to tell her that the boundary was about me and what I can handle and not about her; that I have listened non-stop about him for three years ande it is causing me great angst. We got into a texting argument in which she claimed I tried to control her and I was fairly non-reactive. When shej typed "You are borderline. I don't expect you to understand boundaries" I just typed, "Ok." (I think it was nasty to bring up borderline. I do have traits. I have never been diagnosed and I have made good progress.). Finally, I got tired of the nasty texts to I told her I'm taking a short time out and will get back to her when I feel ready. I told her I did not want to fight with her and that I loved her, but needed to take a few days off from talking to her/texting her. The texting fight was causing me a lot of stress. But is cutting off a discussion for a few days a form of control? Interestingly, she texted me again, but I ignored it, but I felt guilty that I ignored it. Control or boundaries? Now I"m really confused. She was really being abusive, bringing up every secret I have shared with her about myself in a nasty way...I did not react. Just typed stuff like "Ok" or "Thanks for sharing your thoughts." But finally I couldn't read anymore and I put a stop to it. Now I wonder if boundaries are a form of controlling other people and being selfish. Interestingly, 36 did not react as nastily as my sister when I told him about my boundaries that he needed to respect if he wanted to talk to me. Now I'm all confused.