Benefits of not enabling….

[ANewLife4Me]

Yesterday my son and his wife came over to our house for an early birthday celebration. We had a BBQ with an ice cream cake for him that he requested. What was different in the times that we have gotten together is I realize now that by putting all my effort into one child left no room for the other. My son was tired of how she treated and disrespected us, how nasty she was to him and wanted no relationship with her. Me as the one who gave birth to her figured if I tried one more time to help her get started living her own life….this would be it! I mean why should I doubt her when she promised me she was a changed person and that she was really, really going to do it this time. The few times my son and his wife would come over for a BBQ my daughter only came out of her bedroom to get something to eat. The times she would stay out with us were very tense as she acted child like around her brother, wanting to drink tons of alcohol. The one time she and my son had gotten into such a verbal altercation the BBQ was immediately over and they left to go home.

By not having the pressure around us we were able to fully enjoy our day yesterday. We did speak of her but very briefly and I told him that did not want to loose what we have now between the 4 of us. He said if she did come back to live with us he cannot come here. Instead of being upset with him, how could you that’s your sister, I understand more now the why’s and I also have to do the same.

If she ever did keep those promises she made to me I would definitely have her back in my life but sadly, she will never ever live with us again. I have to move forward and enjoy many more great times with my son and his wife such as we are planning a trip to Universal Studios. There is no sense holding, not only my life, but my sons as well dwelling on someone I have no control over, will not try and help herself. This is where we need to live for us now.

 

[Blighty]

It's so lovely to hear how you can focus on your son and cherish his company and have a new understanding.

 

[MommaTried24]

This is so awesome ANewLife4Me! Happy Birthday to your son and it sounds like the BBQ and ice cream cake was a great celebration. I can relate to your son and how he feels. I felt the same way about my mother and my alcoholic sister. How exciting and healing for all of you to get to have that quality time together without the drama. Planning a trip together to go have some fun too is just wonderful! YAY!!!!

 

[MommaTried24]

I also wanted to add that until I had a child myself, I never truly understood what my mother was going through with my sister. I just knew that I had become very protective of my mother and it would hurt me to see how she wasn't getting the love and respect that she worked so hard for and totally deserved. I remember those two wouldn't speak for a few months and then my mom would allow contact again and I'd say, "Mom, you're just asking for her to hurt and abuse you again". SO many times I said that to her over the years and she would say, "But that's my child" and I so totally get it now. I feel her pain and yours.

I just had that on my mind last night after I responded and felt it on my heart to tell you this morning. My mom was the best and I'm sure that your son thinks you are too. Keeping you in my prayers in the situation with your daughter ANewLife4Me and wishing you a good day!

 

[ANewLife4Me]

I also wanted to add that until I had a child myself, I never truly understood what my mother was going through with my sister. I just knew that I had become very protective of my mother and it would hurt me to see how she wasn't getting the love and respect that she worked so hard for and totally deserved. I remember those two wouldn't speak for a few months and then my mom would allow contact again and I'd say, "Mom, you're just asking for her to hurt and abuse you again". SO many times I said that to her over the years and she would say, "But that's my child" and I so totally get it now. I feel her pain and yours.

I just had that on my mind last night after I responded and felt it on my heart to tell you this morning. My mom was the best and I'm sure that your son thinks you are too. Keeping you in my prayers in the situation with your daughter ANewLife4Me and wishing you a good day!

Good morning MommaTried24! I hope and pray yours is an amazing day! Really understand what your saying as things my mother said/did I have all the understanding in the world now of the why’s. We as their Moms think the responsibility rests on our shoulders as the world has conditioned us with the says of, the will always be your baby no matter what age, once a mother always a mother. They never figured into this rosy, nothing goes wrong scenario the real world in which we live in but yet, we are judged so harshly if we do not feel a certain way or continue to support negative behaviors.

I pray daily asking God to give us ALL the strength we need to cope with these mixed up feelings and broken hearts.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

It's so lovely to hear how you can focus on your son and cherish his company and have a new understanding.

Thank you Blighty! I had a hard time with focusing my attention on just him. My daughter always claimed favorites and that we loved him more than her. Have always been hyper focused on giving both children the same love and attention as I hated very much favorites of any kind as I was brought up with my sister being the favorite. It’s hard to just give in and do the exact thing I never thought I would ever do but, she continues to create the drama, the distance between us, the hurt. I can only continue to lead a happy life going forward even if that does not include her.

 

[Nomad]

We didn’t fully realize the negative impact our daughter had on our son until he was much older and I do wish I had years before.

After a horrible incident with her, we have kept her at a distance and are practicing detachment.

But we do communicate with her regularly and help her a little here and there as appropriate.

At some point perhaps we can meet up with her…physically. Not just on the phone. And we anre always nice…but detached. Unsure if this meetup will include her brother any time soon. It’s heartbreaking.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

We didn’t fully realize the negative impact our daughter had on our son until he was much older and I do wish I had years before.

After a horrible incident with her, we have kept her at a distance and are practicing detachment.

But we do communicate with her regularly and help her a little here and there as appropriate.

At some point perhaps we can meet up with her…physically. Not just on the phone. And we anre always nice…but detached. Unsure if this meetup will include her brother any time soon. It’s heartbreaking.

I pray for you Nomad that an in person meeting will find some peace for you, I know for my son he will never even speak to her again. My daughter has taken such advantage of us that when out of jail, I just cannot do it at this time and have to seperate for awhile, hopefully she will finally see how good we really are. This is the very last thing on a long list of, thought that was her rock bottom and was not.

You speak of talking on the phone being nice but detached. I feel like my relationship with her is forever changed and the only way she is going to get that back is if she does the changing. I hope your daughter gets to that point one day.

 

[Nomad]

Thank you, New Life. A tiny bit of clarification…when I say “detached,” I mean that my happiness is not vested /attached with hers. Of course I hope for the best for her, but I am no longer overly attached to any outcome. It’s all very hard.