You're a good person ST, you've just been on a long ride where your attention was on another, over time that derails us, depletes us, takes over our lives and robs us of joy. I know how that feels. Three years ago I was in a similar place as you are now. I found this board, I got myself into an intensive program of codependency recovery, which I did for ME. I had therapy and a therapy group. I attended CoDa groups, I read a lot of books and I posted on this board a lot and I listened to what the members here, who had already managed to detach, said and I emulated what they were doing. It took time. But I found my joy. I found my peace.
Listen to what MWM is saying about limiting the time spent listening and dealing with your daughter. That was the first thing I did too. Set a moat around yourself that she has to figuratively swim through to get to you. Learn about boundaries. In the time spent without her, begin doing things you love, that mean something to you. You didn't do anything wrong, there is no need to punish yourself with guilt and remorse. My kid went off the rails too. I thought I was supposed to suffer along with her. Well, I got a lot of help that made me realize I don't have to do that. Nor do you.
Make each day about you and what makes you happy. Do something kind and nurturing for yourself every single day. It's very, very important to take action for YOU now. You have to love yourself.
Your daughter may not ever change. She may always say, "I can't." But unless you take it on, it doesn't have to mean a life sentence for you as well. It is your life ST, go grab it with both hands and get out there and live it. We're in our 60's, NOW is the time, not tomorrow, now. You have the power to change this for yourself. I did. You can too.
Choose you. Choose joy. Choose life.
