Can't take one more thing

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by katya02, Jun 13, 2011.

  1. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    You know that place you get to where just one more thing will break that overloaded back that carries so much ... think I'm getting there.
    husband has surgery complications; daughter is moving to Colorado, which is good in a way because she'll get away from an abusive boyfriend, but she'll be
    two time zones away and I have to somehow make all the practical aspects of the move happen; difficult child 1 has become morbidly obese on medications,
    to the point where I cry after he leaves each time I see him; and he's decompensating currently and about to melt down with anxiety and paranoia; difficult child 2 is in Brazil
    for three months and expects a lot of support and everything to be perfect in his townhouse when he gets home; my father is ill and
    I have to go see him this month (8 hour drive, and he won't move closer). husband had Lasik surgery last week and is having real problems with one eye.
    He's an anxious guy and now this ... and I'm working 'way too much and in pain with RA and feel like I can't cope with one more thing ... y'know?
    I know you all know. Sorry. Thanks for letting me vent, and sorry I haven't been around much.
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Gee, I wonder why you haven't been around much? Wouldn't be that FULL plate now would it?

    Yup. I know that place. I've visited it many times.

    I'll say a prayer for husband. Sorry to hear about the complications.

    I hope in the midst of all that going on you remember to take some time for yourself too.
  3. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    It sounds like you are feeling responsible for way too many things that you really have no control over. That's enough to make anyone feel like the proverbial camel.

  4. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    (((Katya)))), we do know how you feel. I'm sorry you're feeling responsible for so much. Something I've done that helps ground me when I'm taking on too much, especially things I really can't help or have no control over, is to print out several copies of the serenity prayer and post it everywhere! There's one on my bedroom mirror, the bathroom cabinet, my car, my wallet, my computer at work. I see it, it's small, but powerful. The fact is that all your children are young adults and while we may worry, we do not have to let it completely knock us down. Take time to nurture you everyday, even if it's just a few minutes.Prayers being said for you and yours. Big hugs~
  5. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Hugs. It does all sound very overwhelming. It is hard when you are so used to doing so much and everyone has learned to expect that from you. been there done that. Vent away, and I hope it helps.
  6. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    {{{Hugs}}} I hope your load is lightened soon. :(
  7. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Hope things calm down for you soon. Many, many hugs.
  8. Star*

    Star* call 911


    Well I wondered what you were up to.......AND now I see your cup is over flowing! (hands saucer) .....second thought hands bowl.......third thought (just give the woman a bucket). Grits teeth and exhales......(did you try that? lol) snicker.....

    Somedays I just look up and I ask God....."Have you looked at me lately? I'm not Chinese, I'm not really coordinated, I'm really the wrong person to be handing a plate on a stick to and yet HERE I am.....spinning twelve plates, on tiny sticks and then what do YOU do God? (and I laughhhh and I laugh) YOu hand me another TWO sticks and two more plates just FULL of problems. (pause for dramatic effect - yes even with God because well he made me and he knows my sense of direction) OHHH KAY!" and I just sit back and think to myself. Somedays it's not so much that I'm expected to figure it all out, it's just that it is what it is, and well.....I know I'm not Chinese - although I do have that exotic look so I could be like fifteen times removed on whatever side, but you get what I'm saying? So you have to ask yourself this "IS IT.....that I can handle all these things and keep my plates spinning, or is it that I have the ability to see that my life has these issues spinning around me and I can hand everyone their own stick and let them spin their own plate for a while?" I mean Katya - I get asked this all the time - so I'll ask you too - WHAT would happen to these people if they had to figure out all their problems for themselves? Or if you would allow yourself the right to feel limited in solving their problems?

    I get it - I do- This is YOUR family and maybe it's just that you are making observations about EVERYTHING that is going on, and you dont' want to solve anything or feel like you can't do anything and sometimes that's even a worse feeling. If that's what's eating at you - then take it one problem at a time - or one spinning plate at a time. Take the easiest first. List them all out like you have with us....and talk to that person and say "I'm troubled by what you are going through, and I want to help you, but I'm not sure how I can help. Let's sit down and try to brainstorm for some answers and meet back here in XX days, and see what we can come up with -we're bright people." It just MAY be that the things that are bothering YOU - are NOT worring them at all. So then you either get to stop spinning that plate or find a solution or come to the realization that the current situation is the best situation and nothing better can be done - so deal with it for now - and meet back in XX days to see if any progress is made. If not? Well, the sad reality of those situations is - acceptance. I've had to do that with DF's back surgery and it's been a struggle, and it get's me no where to worry, or get upset, or get angry. It also was a struggle to accept that things in my life - which were finally looking up - were going to change dramatically and not for the better. I could and did have choices - Accept the situation and deal with the anger of it. I don' t necessarily 'accept it' every day, I still have days where I get angry and feel cheated out of so many things - but on those days I have to look at the things that I DO have and really concentrate on my blessings my other choice back them was Leave, find a new life - and leave the problem as it were with him.

    Being overwhelmed seems like a hopeless situation at the time because you figure in for a penny - in for a ton - and you start trying to chip away at Mt. Everest with a pair of tweezers. Try dealing with a small pile of rocks, get a sense of accomplishment and move on to another pile of rocks, get a sense of completetion #2 under your belt and move on from there. It's a process.....and in the mean time? You have friends here who care, and will listen - and love you - no matter what you come and say. OOGGA BOOGGA BOOGA -----aught aught aught!

    Just do one thing today - not 10.......Even if your brain says - BUT Katya - you have to fix 10 peoples things today - JUST fix ONE. Start with your list - take the easiset one to you first - talk to that person-----and see where tomorrow gets you.

    Hugs & Love
  9. Star*

    Star* call 911

    ps. adopt this dog. you need ANOTHER THING..hahahaha (she's really lovely you know) ......STOP IT STAR!
  10. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hey Katya! I had wondered where you were. Sorry to learn it was off dealing with such massive problems....ugh.

    Actually some of them sound kind of interesting though. easy child is moving to CO? That could be nice for her. I lived there for like two months when I was 18, pretty place. difficult child 2 is in Brazil? How on earth did that happen? Did you boot him in the rear and thats where he Boy do you have a strong foot! Just Im sure there must be an interesting story behind that.

    I do understand the worry behind both difficult child 1's weight issues because I also have them and I know you are really worried about your husband's eye surgery.

    I hope you can find some time to decompress for yourself and get to feeling better. I know I miss seeing you around here.
  11. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    Thanks so much, everyone. This is the most wonderful group of people ever. I'm pretty isolated where we live, but being able to pull up a chair at the table and be with friends in this forum is the best. You've given me some very sound feedback. I do tend to take on everyone's problems, mostly because I've spun those plates on those sticks for more than two decades and everyone's used to it. But - it's true, the kids are grown. I know in theory I can and should step back and hand off some of those plates and sticks, recite that Serenity Prayer to myself, and call time out once in awhile. I need to work on that. husband's issues are the 'in my face' immediate ones, and it's hard to disengage when he's so anxious. I don't mind being supportive and offering any suggestions that come to mind; it's the anticipation of how the next long time will be that gets me opening a bottle of wine. Because husband tends to depression and ruminates and always predicts the absolute worst outcome, and wants to share the grief. I have to work on some boundaries there.

    As for the kids, the move to Colorado is actually very exciting. We're going to look for housing and get her registered at the end of this month. And I'm thrilled that she'll be a couple of time zones away from the controlling boyfriend. That's a good stress, really. difficult child 2 is in Brazil on an international business internship with Dow in Sao Paulo - a great experience for him. I don't think my boot is that strong, lol! Booting difficult child 1 only landed him in the middle of our small town. :p
    difficult child 2 will be back to continue his studies in August. He's the one with the high-drama approach to life, though, and working through issues with him is a workout for the adrenals. It's odd that all my kids are super-high intensity in everything, and I'm the Aspie type who needs space and quiet and not too much contact in a day. Not the greatest personality match! But it's good for me to stretch a bit.

    Just one more lovely thing today, an issue that's all mine - at last! My employers are planning to dump me from the clinic where I've been working so they can put in lower-cost PAs, and they won't pay the last portion of my malpractice insurance (called a tail). I will probably be on the hook for $18K when I've barely taken that home over several months. Working for free ... just what I signed up for. husband says 'it's only money - just pay it and move on'. But it's my time, my life, a huge betrayal by people who call themselves our friends (not anymore). So I have to make some phone calls and see if I can figure out how to fix this.

    PS Star, I'm sure Olivia is lovely and I really hope she finds a great home ... but with ten cats still at home my husband would divorce me if I even considered it!
  12. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Just wanted to say I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL!!!!
    That is all I can say at the moment, because I am in the same predicament.
    However I think it does help to know you are not the only one in a personal Tsunami :)
    Hang in there - and many hugs.
  13. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    OMG, this is EXACTLY what mine does, too. We are getting ready to leave town Friday with the kids and my mom and yesterday he was feeling overwhelmed at work, and then he starts freaking out over how far we have to drive on this trip and oh-my-gosh we're gonna be trapped in the car all day long for days on end with the three kids, and your mom is going to always be around, and THIS and THAT and then he starts catastrophizing over the lack of private time he and I will have on the trip, acting as if we will NEVER EVER AGAIN be ALONE! (Yeah, when he's depressed and stressed, all he thinks about is sex). Holy cow, man! REEEELAAAAAX!

    You made me laugh... reaching for the bottle of wine -- YUP! :bigsmile:

    Your job situation is really unfortunate AND lousy of them to pull. I hope you're able to move on to something much better (you know what they say about doors opening and closing...)

    This too shall pass. Just remember to breathe, take it one day at a time, and don't be afraid to let others fend for themselves. They'll be o.k. You'll be o.k. No, you'll be much BETTER because you won't have all their stuff AND your stuff to worry about!
  14. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Well...........the way I look at it. (and you know I'm a realist first and THEN an optimist) If you took Olivia, she IS a pitbull so in a year or so with proper training and love? She's NOT going to take much cCrap from anyone and will be so loyal and so overly protective of YOUR boundaries maybe it would be killing two know her there FOR you and a divorce in one fell swoop - AND like GCV said - you and that bottle of wine. I bet Olivia would like wine. I KNOW she has a penchant for bracelets....grrrrrrrr. lol. We are rediscovering HER boundaries as we speak. NOT YOURS........YOURS. NOT YOURS.......YOURS.
  15. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Your expression "spinning the plates on sticks" was not only priceless but ohhhhh so very accurate!!!!
    My last few days have been similar in some ways. Father extremely sick and in the hospital, difficult child "stuff," and work "stuff." by the way, I gather its hard to remember that work "friends," are usually not "friends" AT ALL.
    But alas, thank you Lord, crossing myself and lighting a candle...all good with husband.
    I agree...hard pill to swallow...but in the end, it is only money. Try to find a job you really like, even if the money is less than ideal. If you can get a little time off...GO FOR IT! And do the extreme self care whenever you can. Massage, nails, bubble bath, nice dinner out, etc. And if you haven't done so already, consider seeing a therapist to unload. You've got plates in the air and elephants sitting on them as well! ((((hugs))))

    ps who mentioned dog adoption? difficult child was here last night asking me to adopt a dog she found. when I said no...she decided to keep it. geee what a surprise. does NOT occur to her that she already has several cats she is having many problems with in on many levels.
    where do I begin? :rollingpin:
  16. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    Catastrophizing. That's it, that's the word exactly. No matter what silver lining to the cloud I try to point out, there's a bigger disaster to be anticipated and perseverated on. It's some sort of comfort to know that other men do this too, although I'm sorry for anyone else who has to cope with it. And, Star ... don't tempt me, lol! Seriously, taking on a pit bull puppy at this point would be about the best way to be sure I went over the edge. It wouldn't be fair to Olivia.

    As for the work issue - lots of verbal promises from one of the partners who's known for saying whatever will calm people down, but who doesn't follow through - and even he wouldn't come out and say they'll give me a contract that says they'll cover this. I might have to walk in on their partners' meeting next week and plunk the contract down and say: sign, or you can fill in my shifts for the rest of the month and ever after. Because I'm per diem - they can fire me without notice, and I can go likewise. (Of course, it would backfire on me to do that because no one will hire a doctor without checking with every single place they ever worked ... and these guys would kill me on a recommendation if I walked like that. But it's a nice fantasy ...)