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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 620874" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I know that scared feeling, too. I am sorry for your pain, and angry that your difficult child used his knowledge of your deepest friendship to hurt you, to betray you, so he could undermine your strength and faith, so he could weaken and bend you to his will. </p><p></p><p>Why do they do these things to us?!?</p><p></p><p>It almost seems that our difficult children are consciously trying to destroy us. I understand the belief system that tells us that if we are weakened, we will give them what they want. But when I see the depth of the damage to us, the lengths they will go to, to hurt us...I don't know. I sometimes wonder what it really is, that is happening, here.</p><p></p><p>It's the strangest thing, that you should post in this way, today. </p><p></p><p>I was listening to a speaker yesterday evening. He was one of seven kids. There were all kinds of problems in the family. Against all the odds (for instance, he failed kindergarten and continued not to do well in school, dad not working steadily, health issues) he grew up and created a thriving business. As, altogether separately, did a younger brother.</p><p></p><p>He had nothing but praise for his mother and his father. Nothing but deepest love and joy in his siblings and extended family.</p><p>Recently, he retired, and moved to be near his parents. Not to take care of them, and not because he needs anything from them. He moved to be near them so he can see as much of them as he can before their time here is over. </p><p></p><p>The situation he described is so different than my own, so different than any of our situations, here. Over the years of abuse, we become so used to the hurtful, shockingly inappropriate things our difficult children do that we forget how our lives were meant to be, how our lives still can be. When we are treated this way long enough, we forget what it is to be loved and respected and cherished. </p><p></p><p>We carry the burden of that secret pain, that secret shame, into other aspects of our lives, and our own worlds become so much darker.</p><p></p><p>Of course we wonder where we went wrong, how we can help them, what is the right thing to do. But what is it that is really happening to all of us? Time and again, we hear the stories, all so similar, though the kids are from wildly dissimilar backgrounds. So often, there is that thread of viciousness, real viciousness, not just anger but real, destructive viciousness, leveled at the parents....</p><p></p><p>I am seeing so much of my own story in yours this morning, Seeking Strength.</p><p></p><p>Midwest Mom has thread here which contains information on personality disorders and, through her experience as an adoptive mother, on genetics.</p><p></p><p>I found it very helpful. I think it is on Back in the Saddle's thread.</p><p></p><p>Holding you and your husband in my thoughts and prayers, Strength.</p><p>And holding all of our difficult children there, too.</p><p></p><p>Faith does matter. But holding faith with someone or something does not mean we let the dark parts destroy us. It does not mean we need to remain vulnerable to the kind of pain that has nothing to teach us.</p><p></p><p>******</p><p>Here is something strengthening, something that I love. Maybe, it will even bring joy. I would like that, for you. </p><p></p><p>"We begin to look at things and people with more care, hearing words and music not heard, before. And a realization dawns that a personal daystar has begun to shine, giving us its light."</p><p></p><p>Maria Harris</p><p>Dance of the Spirit</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 620874, member: 17461"] I know that scared feeling, too. I am sorry for your pain, and angry that your difficult child used his knowledge of your deepest friendship to hurt you, to betray you, so he could undermine your strength and faith, so he could weaken and bend you to his will. Why do they do these things to us?!? It almost seems that our difficult children are consciously trying to destroy us. I understand the belief system that tells us that if we are weakened, we will give them what they want. But when I see the depth of the damage to us, the lengths they will go to, to hurt us...I don't know. I sometimes wonder what it really is, that is happening, here. It's the strangest thing, that you should post in this way, today. I was listening to a speaker yesterday evening. He was one of seven kids. There were all kinds of problems in the family. Against all the odds (for instance, he failed kindergarten and continued not to do well in school, dad not working steadily, health issues) he grew up and created a thriving business. As, altogether separately, did a younger brother. He had nothing but praise for his mother and his father. Nothing but deepest love and joy in his siblings and extended family. Recently, he retired, and moved to be near his parents. Not to take care of them, and not because he needs anything from them. He moved to be near them so he can see as much of them as he can before their time here is over. The situation he described is so different than my own, so different than any of our situations, here. Over the years of abuse, we become so used to the hurtful, shockingly inappropriate things our difficult children do that we forget how our lives were meant to be, how our lives still can be. When we are treated this way long enough, we forget what it is to be loved and respected and cherished. We carry the burden of that secret pain, that secret shame, into other aspects of our lives, and our own worlds become so much darker. Of course we wonder where we went wrong, how we can help them, what is the right thing to do. But what is it that is really happening to all of us? Time and again, we hear the stories, all so similar, though the kids are from wildly dissimilar backgrounds. So often, there is that thread of viciousness, real viciousness, not just anger but real, destructive viciousness, leveled at the parents.... I am seeing so much of my own story in yours this morning, Seeking Strength. Midwest Mom has thread here which contains information on personality disorders and, through her experience as an adoptive mother, on genetics. I found it very helpful. I think it is on Back in the Saddle's thread. Holding you and your husband in my thoughts and prayers, Strength. And holding all of our difficult children there, too. Faith does matter. But holding faith with someone or something does not mean we let the dark parts destroy us. It does not mean we need to remain vulnerable to the kind of pain that has nothing to teach us. ****** Here is something strengthening, something that I love. Maybe, it will even bring joy. I would like that, for you. "We begin to look at things and people with more care, hearing words and music not heard, before. And a realization dawns that a personal daystar has begun to shine, giving us its light." Maria Harris Dance of the Spirit Cedar [/QUOTE]
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