Changes in my life....

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by RN0441, Sep 12, 2018.

  1. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I haven't posted much about us lately and haven't been on as often as I like due to changes.

    In the past eight weeks we have relocated to the shores of Alabama; relocating for my job.

    My husband has been back and forth between here and Chicago since our house sale fell through and he had not yet secured work here.

    Today he is on his drive here to live permanently!! I am overjoyed. We finally sold the house after discounting it deeply and he was able to find a job here through someone from his past that is now a national sales manager. I am not meant to be alone. I have met some nice people here thankfully but still missed him being here with me.

    Our son continues to keep in touch. He is in the final phase of his program. He is working almost full time and paying his own way there. He has to give 10% to the church and 15% for his food and shelter and he gets an allowance and the rest they save for him. He will receive a check on his graduation day which is November 17. He is also very involved in working out and healthy living. Our middle son is also into health and fitness and he said he is inspired by that.

    He has grown in so many ways. He just turned 23 a few weeks ago. He has had at least 3 birthdays spent in a rehab program of some type - not consecutive but still.... Sad but true. Heartbreaking but true. He has been sober since September of 2017.

    He is ready to come home now but I have told him that he must finish the program and graduate. He is frustrated with "community living" as he calls it. I have been struggling with him returning to our home. His dad had promised him that he could come to live with us if he finished this program. Not permanently but that we would be supportive as long as he was working on becoming a productive SOBER member of society.

    He is anxious to find a "good" job as he calls it and explore school and other things. He will continue to work on his sobriety and is planning to join our church and small groups and also attend Celebrate Recovery at a nearby church. I told him I will not police his addiction. It is on him to manage this.

    We are excited to have him back in our lives. He is our only son together and we have been cut to the core by all that we have been through and he has been through due to his addiction. We are ready to move forward as a family. He is a funny guy and has a big and gentle heart.

    I am blessed that my new coworker (and her husband) ran the Celebrate Recovery program in her church for many years. Although she has not had addiction touch her personally, she is very knowledgeable on the subject and has helped guide me through this. I know that me being here in Alabama isn't by accident. I know that having her in my life isn't by accident either.

    I knew that we had to have a list of rules for him to come back to our home. I felt it would not be fair to him NOT to know what we expect of him. I decided yesterday that he needed to write the rules that he thought should be put in place but of course the final word is ours.

    He felt that is our home and that we should make the rules for our home but when I explained that we wanted to be fair to all he agreed to work on this. I think this will make him really think about things that maybe he has not thought about. He is young and with addiction since the age of 15, it means we are not truly dealing with a 23 year old brain.

    We are going to see him in a few weeks and bring our dogs. He hasn't seen them in over two years. He will get a 24 hour pass so I told him to plan things he wants to do. It's a five hour drive for us each way so doable on the weekend.

    I have not seen him since May due to our move even though my husband did spend a few days with him in June and brought him to the town we live in now so that he could look around. I am looking forward to our visit.

    I do not know how this will all end but we are taking one day at a time which is all any of us can do. I am keeping the faith that this time will be different. We need a happy ending.
     
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  2. Thinking of you and praying your son continues on the right path.
     
  3. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    RN. Hi. So much gratitude in your post. And trepidation, too. Is that the right word? Or is it caution?

    (I am starting in left field, here. I'll get to my point, which is, in a word, prayers.)

    I will only write what I am feeling right now about life. That it is a moment to moment deal, the practice to return to wholeness, to belief, to our own sense of connection to that which is holy and possible. To faith.

    I am ordering a book about illness, and how pain and infirmity can be ways to wake us to our real purpose, real selves, real life, in each moment.

    I can look at my road with my son in the same way, but really I can do this only in the abstract. I can think of the possibility of doing this.

    But in reality? I am bitter. My heart is closed. I do not want to see him. I barely want to talk to him. Because the him he has become, the life he lives, I reject so whole-heartedly.

    So what does that mean about my own heart in relation to my son? That closing it to him, means I am closing it in really radical life-altering ways for myself. Each time I say no to him in my mind, no to the way he lives, I am saying no to the best part of myself, and my life.

    What I am coming to here is to prayer. I do not have to close myself off to my son, either by closing my heart or my hope. There is prayer. It is not my appropriate job to monitor the freeway of life, especially at the cost of my body/mind.

    What will be will be. Our sons will live as they will. Life will unfold as it does. Your life sounds like it is coming together in the best possible way. You have opened your heart and home to the son you love. Whatever you feel, I feel, has not one thing in the world to do with what your son chooses and how he handles his life as it unfolds.

    Open-hearted or fearful, however we are, our sons will live as they do, and so will we.

    Through this post I am seeing (again) that closing my heart is neither here nor there. It does not protect me. It does not alter the future or present. It protects or influences my child, not at all. It protects me, even less. It only closes my heart.

    Your heart is open and welcoming. This is the definition of courage. And, in my book, faith. What in the world could be better?
     
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2018
  4. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    RN0441, My deepest sincere prayers that your son will continue on the right path and STAY on the right path. Amen.
     
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  5. Elsi

    Elsi Active Member

    RN, I am so happy to hear of the positive changes in your life! I am sure it will be wonderful for you and your husband to be together again - long distance is hard, especially ina marriage where you have established your life together already. And it sounds like your son is doing really well in his program! I hope he continues to make progress and his transition back home to you is smooth and joyful.

    Copa, I had to respond to this, because I have been there also. It can be so hard sometimes, when the lives they are leading seem to go against everything we believe in and hoped to teach them.

    I think this is a very wise place to come to. And has given me much to think about. I think my heart is mostly open right now for my son, but I am struggling with my difficult daughter. This is a good reminder.

    That’s all any of us can do, right? I pray you will get your happy ending! It sounds like you and your son are on a good road.
     
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  6. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    I am so happy your son has seen this through, RN. I wish all of you much joy and success as you make so many new beginnings.
     
  7. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Thanks to all but I'm not getting ahead of ourselves here.

    I am very anxious and just have lots of hope for a new life for him - which will be a new and better life for us.
     
  8. Nature

    Nature Active Member

    I wish you and your family all the best. According to your post it does sound like your son has decided to change his life around and I understand your trepidation and fear of what was previously his life. You'll be in my thoughts and I wish for the outcome you so deserve.