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Changing my enabling ways....
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<blockquote data-quote="rlsnights" data-source="post: 408373" data-attributes="member: 7948"><p>We are struggling with this same issue at our house. As others have said, sorting out what your child is "able" to do vs. what they are "not able" to do is never easy. And, sometimes, it's irrelevant. If they must do it as adults to live independently then we must demand it of them now or make plans for them to have protected placement all their adult lives. They must learn their own limits and how to compensate for them if they are capable of this level of self-knowledge.</p><p></p><p>What I have found incredibly helpful is having my own therapist to process this kind of stuff with on a weekly (sometimes more often) basis. I am extremely fortunate to have found someone who has 30 years experience working inpatient and outpatient with adolescents and their families. She has set me straight more than once and coached me through helping my spouse understand the way our behavior is affecting our children and why/how we must change it.</p><p></p><p>We are also looking for a good family therapist to help us. </p><p></p><p>I am as honest as I can be with our psychiatrist and ask her advice on a regular basis. I have a sample size of 3 to base my decisions on. She and my therapist have sample sizes of hundreds if not more. They have the life experience to see things from a different perspective and to recognize the patterns our family has developed that may be getting in our way.</p><p></p><p>I think having an awareness that you are doing this (all parents do to some extent, it comes with the territory in my humble opinion) in a way that is detrimental to your child's long term best interests is a huge step and will help you a lot.</p><p></p><p>Hang in there. Forgive yourself for past mistakes, acknowledge that you have a much tougher job than most parents do, and seek input from trusted and knowledgeable people while you do your best to just get through today.</p><p></p><p>Hugs,</p><p></p><p>Patricia</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="rlsnights, post: 408373, member: 7948"] We are struggling with this same issue at our house. As others have said, sorting out what your child is "able" to do vs. what they are "not able" to do is never easy. And, sometimes, it's irrelevant. If they must do it as adults to live independently then we must demand it of them now or make plans for them to have protected placement all their adult lives. They must learn their own limits and how to compensate for them if they are capable of this level of self-knowledge. What I have found incredibly helpful is having my own therapist to process this kind of stuff with on a weekly (sometimes more often) basis. I am extremely fortunate to have found someone who has 30 years experience working inpatient and outpatient with adolescents and their families. She has set me straight more than once and coached me through helping my spouse understand the way our behavior is affecting our children and why/how we must change it. We are also looking for a good family therapist to help us. I am as honest as I can be with our psychiatrist and ask her advice on a regular basis. I have a sample size of 3 to base my decisions on. She and my therapist have sample sizes of hundreds if not more. They have the life experience to see things from a different perspective and to recognize the patterns our family has developed that may be getting in our way. I think having an awareness that you are doing this (all parents do to some extent, it comes with the territory in my humble opinion) in a way that is detrimental to your child's long term best interests is a huge step and will help you a lot. Hang in there. Forgive yourself for past mistakes, acknowledge that you have a much tougher job than most parents do, and seek input from trusted and knowledgeable people while you do your best to just get through today. Hugs, Patricia [/QUOTE]
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