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Changing my enabling ways....
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 408578" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>I don't know if there is research to prove that they pick up on our emotions or not, but there is a reason that "If Momma isn't happy, NO ONE is happy" is a cliche! Kids ALL respond to our emotional state but difficult children seem either much more or much less aware of it. It is an instinctual thing when they are very young that I don't think ever goes away. If I am really happy and go to my mom's house and she is upset I get a whole lot less happy. Not as bad as when I was a kid, but I am aware of it even now. Since she is so rarely even satisfied with me, I mostly don't visit anymore. I hate that, but she is havign trouble respecting my right to set boundaries in my life and I am old enough to set them and let her be unhappy if she wants. But I still knwo she is unhappy!</p><p> </p><p>You are starting a very difficult road, but a super beneficial one!! Once he leaves your home (whatever reason, whatever age) life is NOT going to baby and protect and shelter him. I have worked with my kids since very very young to make sure they knew how to care for themselves. My mom did with me because her family did NOT with her. She was a late in life baby with sisters five and ten yrs older. Her mom died when she was young and they had a housekeeper who did everything because teachign ehr was too much bother (I am quite sure mom had a hand in that conclusion, lol). My mom once told me that on her honeymoon she had to call room service because she didn't know how to make coffee in the coffeepot! She felt useless and helpless and hated it. My dad taught her to cook - he learned in the boyscouts (once made blueberry pie for a large troop over a camp fire!) and she learned a LOT from books. So my bro and I learned all the household skills.</p><p> </p><p>At this point you are going to have to relax standards and be insistent. Using the dog whisperer methods is NOT outlandish. My mom tells all newlyweds to use the same techniques she learned in a dog training book by Barbara Wodehouse (big trainer with books out in the 80's). They work on dogs, husband's and kids. Would work on wives if husband's knew about them, lol.</p><p> </p><p>You should also read "Parenting your Teen with Love and Logic" - it is a great way to learn to use natural consequences while still keeping that loving bond with your child. It may seem like you cannot use it with explosive child methods, but you can. I have anyway, and Dr. Fay Sr and I chatted for quite a while about it at the seminar I attended a few years ago.</p><p> </p><p>Progress will be SLOW and frustrating, but you will get htere. </p><p> </p><p>Be sure to stick around here - we know what you are talking about and won't judge you. </p><p> </p><p>That line between unable and unwilling is tough to decipher, so go with your instincts!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 408578, member: 1233"] I don't know if there is research to prove that they pick up on our emotions or not, but there is a reason that "If Momma isn't happy, NO ONE is happy" is a cliche! Kids ALL respond to our emotional state but difficult children seem either much more or much less aware of it. It is an instinctual thing when they are very young that I don't think ever goes away. If I am really happy and go to my mom's house and she is upset I get a whole lot less happy. Not as bad as when I was a kid, but I am aware of it even now. Since she is so rarely even satisfied with me, I mostly don't visit anymore. I hate that, but she is havign trouble respecting my right to set boundaries in my life and I am old enough to set them and let her be unhappy if she wants. But I still knwo she is unhappy! You are starting a very difficult road, but a super beneficial one!! Once he leaves your home (whatever reason, whatever age) life is NOT going to baby and protect and shelter him. I have worked with my kids since very very young to make sure they knew how to care for themselves. My mom did with me because her family did NOT with her. She was a late in life baby with sisters five and ten yrs older. Her mom died when she was young and they had a housekeeper who did everything because teachign ehr was too much bother (I am quite sure mom had a hand in that conclusion, lol). My mom once told me that on her honeymoon she had to call room service because she didn't know how to make coffee in the coffeepot! She felt useless and helpless and hated it. My dad taught her to cook - he learned in the boyscouts (once made blueberry pie for a large troop over a camp fire!) and she learned a LOT from books. So my bro and I learned all the household skills. At this point you are going to have to relax standards and be insistent. Using the dog whisperer methods is NOT outlandish. My mom tells all newlyweds to use the same techniques she learned in a dog training book by Barbara Wodehouse (big trainer with books out in the 80's). They work on dogs, husband's and kids. Would work on wives if husband's knew about them, lol. You should also read "Parenting your Teen with Love and Logic" - it is a great way to learn to use natural consequences while still keeping that loving bond with your child. It may seem like you cannot use it with explosive child methods, but you can. I have anyway, and Dr. Fay Sr and I chatted for quite a while about it at the seminar I attended a few years ago. Progress will be SLOW and frustrating, but you will get htere. Be sure to stick around here - we know what you are talking about and won't judge you. That line between unable and unwilling is tough to decipher, so go with your instincts! [/QUOTE]
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