Check fraud by daughter

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by JD2, Jul 3, 2017.

  1. JD2

    JD2 New Member

    I just found out tonight that my 26 year old daughter stole over $18k by writing herself checks over the last three months. I am myself for not noticing sooner, but I rarely write checks any more and did not notice. She is currently in the middle of trying to get full custody of her daughter in a court dispute with her ex so she can move to be with her wife. Felony fraud charges and forgery will sink that.

    I don't know what to do with this. File charges, notify the bank, let her go? I feel guilty, but I didn't force her to steal from me for the past three months and I would file charges if it were a stranger.

    She has been living at my house for the past two years rent free which I allowed for my granddaughter's sake. I have always helped her out with car repairs and the lawyer for the custody so I do not understand why she did this.

    A very upset and frustrated mom who cannot sleep tonight
  2. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    First why do checks still exists since anyone that are not you can write one and take your money and for second this one question you have to answer yourself ask this which is an better role model your daughter or her ex who is an better caregiver and so forth weigh the arguments and come to an decision.

    Also find an way for the bank to pay for this because their job and the reason they where created was to protect your money here comes random mig and writes an check and takes the money of someone else. Is there no security here?
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    What kind of mother is she if she will steal from her own loving mother? Thats a lot of money and she is maybe far too used to you throwing money at her to rescue her and allowing her to shun normal 26 year old responsibility. in my opinion she needs to move out and grow up. If it were me Id call the police...if she steals from others (and she could) it will be worse and she in my opinion needs consequences to learn.

    Maybe the free ride at 26, an age when single mothers work and pay rent, made her think you would tolerate anything. Its a bad sign for her future and her ethics seem challenged...

    Can you maybe get guardianship of grandchild? What your daughter did to you showed no caring of you at all and that she will do worse to you and maybe others if she rides this one out with, at very minimum, your making her leave. Until then, lock up everything of value. Everything. Are you paying for her lawyer? Is her father around? Is she abusive to you other thsn stealing? Maybe granddaughters father would be a more stable parent?

    In most cases and in most states it is nearly impossible for a parent to get full custody of a child. Doesnt happen any more. Her wife can move there. Father needs to be in granddaughters life too. She needs both parents and the courts are unlikely to grant her the ability to move away from father WITH CHILD. My own son is in court and he blocked ex from trying to remove his child from him and now is close to getting residential address and possibly legal custody. He already has 50/50 custody, which is the standard in Missouri. His ex has tried every tactic and keeps failing.

    Regardless, in my opinion the free ride and gifts of money needs to be over. And action needs to occur.

    Im so sorry. This would break my heart.
    Last edited: Jul 3, 2017
  4. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    $18,000 is a lot of money for three months. How were the checks made out...where was she spending that kind of money?

    Are their items that could be returned? Are drugs involved? I would want questions, and I would likely notify the authorities... Hard to do under any circumstances, but especially when a grand child and custody issues involved.

    I doubt that you could get guardianship of DGD...unless the dad is unsafe. Try to stay on good terms with him, so you can have contact with her, in case he gets custody.

  5. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    It sounds like you know what you need to do - notify the bank, who will get the authorities involved. Your hesitation is because of her custody fight. Should someone who steals $18,000 from her own mother who is supporting her be raising a child? What did she spend all the money on? Drugs?
  6. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    Welcome. So sorry to hear this. I'm sad for you.

    I agree about the drug question. Something is going on with her.

    You are in a very difficult situation but I would notify the police. Consequences teach lessons.

    Hugs to you.
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  7. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    I would file charges. Her decisions, her life, her consequences.

    Show her that kindness does not equate to weakness.

    Don't let her teach your grandchildren that crime pays.
  8. JD2

    JD2 New Member

    Thank you for your words of encouragement, I started with the fraud affidavit today. When I briefly spoke with my daughter this morning, it was all about how I was going to ruin her life by reporting the fraud and pressing charges. No sorry or explanations. We still can't figure out what it got spent on. I asked her about drug use and she claims none, but her word is not worth much right now. She also moved out this morning but left most of her stuff.

    The sad thing is that she may lose just about any contact with her daughter. I have made an effort to get along with the father so I should be able to see my granddaughter. He is a pothead, but he (and his mom) look after her when she is with them. This will also affect her wife who is in the military as she cashed all the checks on their joint account. At this point, I don't know if her wife was complicit or not and I have not decided if I should warn her about what is coming. I also don't know if I should let my granddaughter's dad know about the charges. I do worry that she might run with my granddaughter and leave the state.

    Any advice on detaching from something that I did not cause but feel guilty that I I did not see it sooner? I was distracted by the end of the school year and helping to clean up the finances of my mother who was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's. (there are many scummy people out there who exploit the elderly, but that is a different forum).
  9. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    It's not surprising she tries to make you responsible for her having to face the consequences of her actions. There's no reason to feel guilty - she stole from you. The only way for you to try to recoup the money is to report it. So you're reporting it. If you didn't she would absolutely keep stealing from you.

    As far as it affecting her custody case or her wife - those are all consequences of her stealing from you, not of you reporting it.

    And it sounds like you were (are?) dealing with a tough situation with your mom and other things - does that make it OK to steal $18,000 from you? How about trying to help you out or offer some support in a tough situation instead of taking advantage of it to steal from you. Really, she is either some kind of sociopath, or is involved in some kind of addiction like drugs or gambling to do something like that.

    Is your granddaughter staying with you after she left?
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  10. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    You are absolutely doing the right thing by reporting the theft. The impact on your daughter is HER fault. The impact on the wife is your Daughter's fault.

    And yes. Wife's military career is over if the charges stick, and most likely with jail time and a dishonorable or bad-conduct discharge. That's not the sort of behavior the military looks kindly upon in its personnel.

    The issue here is the child.

    Your daughter not only screwed you over, she screwed her wife over for life, and I doubt she gives much of a flip about her child either.

    Press charges. Recoup what you can, and hard as it is, let your daughter go.
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  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If you are being honest, can you say that your daughter is a kind, caring human being towards others? That is for you to ask yourself, not answer here. Sociopath crossed my mind too. Pothead or not, sounds like she needs her father and grandma. She wont win full custody even if you dont turn her in. Nobody gets full custody anymore just because they want it. The best interest of the child is, legally, for the child to live near both parents and if one wants to move and the other fights it then the only way the person can move is without the child. Daughters wife will not be a consideration. She is a legal stranger to your granddaughter.

    Your daughter crossed a huge line. I hope you protect yourself. Dont let her back in your house. If you want to see her, meet her in a neutral spot where there are a lot of other people. She seems to care for nobody but herself. Guard yourself.
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  12. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome, JD2

    Very sad situation....

    I would give the dad a heads-up, since you are concerned that your daughter may take the child and run.

    I wouldn't say anything to the spouse. I doubt she was oblivious to an extra 18k going into her bank account within three months. She is an adult and needs to be held accountable for whatever part she played in this situation.

  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If she takes off with granddaughter, the states cooperate with one another...she will get caught and THAT may cost her any custody. She may have to only see daughter with supervision. She is making reckless and thoughtless and angry choices that could land her in prison.

    I would stop funding her useless court case. She wont win and I know from my sons case how much money you must be paying. I think you need to seriously detach from this situation. Since father wants custody, you wont get it over him even if you try for it and daughter will never get full custody. It doesnt happen anymore. The courts used to strongly favor mom. That is history. Not anymore.

    My sons ex has been trying to get full custody for four years. It will never happen. She tried moving to yank son out of his school where my son and her both used to live. The judge would not allow her to takevgrandson out of his school. Now she has to drive grandson an hour back and forth to school when she has her parenting time, because the best interest of the child is to keep the child in his school. Thats in ALL states. My son only drives five minutes because he is still right by his sons school.

    Your daughter and maybe you are in for a shock. Custody is not how it used to be. Automatic mother winners....not any more.
    Last edited: Jul 4, 2017
  14. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Her bad decisions are the cause of any consequences. Don't feel one drop of guilt. If she tries to blame you or give you guilt, you tell her she's the one who decided to break the law, you have nothing to do with it. She deserves every punishment coming her way, she won't learn otherwise and continue this criminal activity. Don't help her, let her figure it out.

    Her girlfriend would have known, let the authorities figure out if she made bad decisions as well. If they're a couple, they know what they need money for, if it's drugs, maybe that was more important than her job. Don't feel bad about that.

    Also, I am truly sorry for the deep hurt and betrayal you feel. That is the worst of it. Be strong, we are here for you.
  15. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    1905. One correction. The other woman involved is not the daughter's girlfriend, she is her wife. Meaning: they are legally married with all the right, priviledges, and responsibilities that entails. Some of those may have bearing on testimony in legal proceedings.
  16. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Welcom JD2, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. There is no betrayal quite like a child stealing from you. It doesn't matter if it's 18 dollars or in your case 18K. It doesn't matter if you can afford to "lose" 18K or not. It's theft plain and simple. We muddy it by allowing our emotions to enter in.

    I know how hard it is to make the decision whether or not to press charges, I've been there with my son. I did press charges when my son stole from us. Here's how I look at it, I would not hesitate to press charges against a stranger that stole from me so why should it be any different when it's family. I'm glad you are processing a fraud report and please, do not feel guilty about it.

    Just to be clear, you are not ruing her life, she has managed to do that all on her own. Do not allow her to place guilt you upon you. She did this to herself.
    This does not surprise me. What she did by stealing from you was self serving. She is not at all concerned about you.
    Yes, that is sad but again, she did this to herself. She will most likely try and blame and you or others but don't buy into it.
    This is not your problem or concern.
    If it were me, I would stay out of it. This is between the two of them. If you want to detach then it's best to stay out of it.
    I would be very careful here. I have learned that whatever we do, our difficult adult children will twist and use against us. I try not to give my son any ammunition to use against me.
    There is not much you can do about this. Even if you notified the court, without any evidence that she would do this, they would most likely ignore it. How old is your granddaughter? I would suggest getting granddaughter to memorize your phone number and address so that if something were to happen she could reach out to you. I would also instruct her on how to call 911.
    I'm so sorry about your mother. The last thing you need to deal with is the chaos of your daughter's life.
    Here is a link to an article about detaching. It's also at the top of this forum. There is great info here. Print it out and read it often.
    Article on Detachment

    Keep posting and let us know how things are going.

    ((HUGS)) to you.................