Checking In...sorry I had to be off line for a little bit

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by buddy, Feb 19, 2012.

  1. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I knew I was getting hit hard with PMs but since you guys know about everything with me right now... I might as well overshare...

    I got hit with the worst cycle of my life and barely could leave my bed. I was weak and just needed to stay healthy. So I took Q to his horseback riding every day (our therapist has been giving him extra days just to help him get over this. She is worried she sees a big lack of confidence in him. So he has had some of his old volunteers come in and he has had two days of heaven). Other than that, I rested.

    Thanks for the love and support from my last post. I am not so worried I need medications at this point. I am pretty good at talking out my feelings and I thank you all for helping with that. But on the months and few days in those months when it is worse I know it will be over in a few days and sure enough I am not as upset .... hormones are a strange thing.

    I definitely feel very real situational upset over this though. But I think it is healthy to feel upset about it and ok to cry and be angry. I dont need to medicate that away, I am really tough and am ok feeling my feelings. Not fun for sure...but I know it will pass and I will figure things out. As time goes by and I sort thru the dozens of issues it comes down to this....

    I was worried they were setting him up for a fall... and it happened. The tone from the top down has been one of intolerance and burn out. The principal stated that it didn't matter what the IEP said, he was not going to have those kinds of issues in his school and he was going to call me and make life miserable. I had a brand new team member there for the last two meetings and he, with no prior knowledge of the situation said to my advocate (I just found this out)... "by the next meeting this kid is going to be out of this school, they just dont want him here".

    They made it a hostile environment and now he got hurt. If he went back he would either be hurt worse or they would push him over the edge and he would be dragged away in cuffs and it is my job to protect him. He will never set foot there again.

    I am so tempted to say just let him go to that other school because there is nothing better but I am just not convinced it is the right placement. It would be far worse to have him start somewhere and then change again and again. Even out home psychiatric who thought it was an ok place said that we have to make sure for the LONG run...not just be reactive.

    Advocate plans to call the doctor to ask her to state that Q can't go back to that school due to the risk of increasing his anxiey and PTSD. She is doing that because they are officially saying , " we stand ready to serve him starting Tuesday...he is welcome to come back here" That is BS as we all know... It is a hostile environment for him and the psychologist is still being allowed to see him and set him off so he is simply not safe.

    I will call a near by district to ask about open enrollment but I dont know what programs they ahve... Advocate says it doesn't matter because they customize (sp ed director has a husband who had a brain injury and still is in recovery, so she lives with it). She said she has NO open cases in that district and the only time she meets with them is when people from our district move there to get away. Very sad indeed.

    It is a quite White community though, and I get that advocate doesn't think it is a big issue, but to a kid who is a child of color, it does add a layer to it.

    There are several people of color at the SUN program though... I didn't know that till my fourth visit and some are direct providers which was really cool... He needs those role models. It is just that it is the same district and I worry about their attitudes... so quick to touch kids.

    It rings in my ears that mr sp ed said .... I have never seen Q act like that.. he was just totally out of control. I asked, did you come in AFTER he was restrained and he said YES. His arms were pulled back and above his head.... I said that is what I told you would happen if anyone touched him, that is why I told you I have been so concerned over the past incidents where this guy confessed to grabbing him....... if he is held he will PANIC and he doesn't even know who you are... he is in pure fight/flight. Add to it that it was not just a hold, they were twisting his wrist and arms behind his back and smashing his head into the floor so of course he was upset and trying to get away. When that person was out...Q was able to totally calm.

    we are supposed to be getting the incident report in the mail by Tuesday. We are going to meet and discuss strategy. I told her I would rather not even go. She said that it would be better if I did and then to allow her to shut the meeting down if the principal goes off on a tangent about how awful Q is. I will think about it and see what happens when we get the report. She also wants it in his record that this is a manifestation of his disability even though it is already written in his IEP that it is... just to make sure.

    For now, compared to the stress I have felt when he went to school daily, I like having him home and we have had some really good moments so it brings me back to major confusion. I know I can't provide him the diversity in academics he could get in a school but I can provide the therapies and behavior plan. I can help with reading and basic math and so I have to figure out what the bottom line is for me to have him "making progress" without my getting in trouble. As I said, he has not been given access to anything this year anyway and it is not like he is anywhere near grade level. He test well compared to Special Education students but below the first percentile for gen ed. I am sure I can do better than that.

    I am just not so sure we can be together that much....
  2. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    I am glad to hear you're okay. Yes, the feelings are normal and it's okay to feel & express them. It was just that some of your posts sounded "stressed" and when I read them I could feel the stress and people have different tolerance levels. Glad yours is high. Mine is too.

    I think the reason Q is back to being Q is that the stress from school is gone. He couldn't ge back to the way he was before the psychiatric hospital because the medications may have been right but the circumstances over the past 4 months at school have not been. If you are considering homeschooling, see what the state Dept of Ed website says about it. The guidelines have to be there somewhere. If nothing else, call them & get the answers directly from the horses mouth.

    Has he been hitting or kicking you lately, like as in the last 2-3 days?

    More {{{{(((HUGS)))}}}} to you and Q.
  3. buddy

    buddy New Member

    He hasn't done any serious kicking, hitting since the one night when the MOA police had shut down the mall and he panicked when he came home. Even that was managable. Everything else is his little jabs and shoves that he has always done. No bruises since he went into the hospital last Oct. When we saw the school he stood on my shoes or bumped into me, tried to hit my arms etc...was freaking out and all I had to do was move out of the way. Nothing hurt. I would prefer he not do any of it but in the grand scheme of things... it is nothing and will go back to not happening at all once we get him back to normal.
  4. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Please know that you and q are close to my heart and in my prayers. You have no idea how *not* alone you are. PM me.
  5. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I have thought about keeping mine at home from time to time. It has it's advantages as far as his mood and stress levels. The disadvantage would be just too much time together. Perhaps a combination of the two would be a fit for you guys.
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    You are in a big enough city that their might be special need home schoolers. You might be able to combine home bound services for him with activities with other sp ed families. I know that one of the big cities near me has a large hs group and a small subset of that group that is special needs. The small subset is welcome at all of the large group activities and they also have some of their own activities. Plus some of the kids from the larger group come to some specific activties to help with social skills. It isn't always true, but for the most part I have found that homeschoolers are FAR more tolerant of kids with problems than those in reg school. Not just the kids, the family is more tolerant. HS kids interact with kids of all ages, not just those in or close to their grade, and they just are more accepting. Or that is what we have experienced - even when Wiz was at his most violent and rigid we were NOT shunned or told we were "doing it wrong". We just got support and people willing to always give him one more try.

    It might be a resource if you could find a group like that. NOT to homeschool him all the way, but if you do homebound for any length of time, it could provide the social activities he needs/likes. And there are usually a lot of parents around, which once they understand will be a good thing.

    Just food for thought.

    Sorry about the period, love your advocate, hugs to you and Q!
  7. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sending caring thoughts and loads of admiration. Although my first difficult child was not volatile her needs were not met in elementary. Like you I actively participated at the school to assure I "knew" the environment. At the time I was self supporting five of us so my time was limited by work demands..but I felt "in touch". Then, whammo, they announced that she could no longer attend the school. This was in the 60's before legislation. They had one school for all the disabled children in the district and that was my only choice. It was mindboggling. All ages mixed together, most in wheelchairs, having seizures etc. etc. It was one of two times in my life that I just HAD to excape the pressure. I spent money I didn't have and checked into a motel for a weekend where I screamed into the pillow and cried buckets of tears (I am not one to cry, by the way.) It has been forty years and when I read your post the emotions come back. I am so sorry you are experiencing worse.

    You're right. You have to take an emotional break. It is a healthy thing to do. Should your disconnect continue for any length of time maybe you'll need medications or support but for now I believe it is absolutely a normal reaction to such ongoing stress and the recent blindside. I do have faith in your loving spirit and tenacity. Hugs. DDD