Chiming in re: mothers! GRRR


Active Member
There have been many threads about difficult child (or plain nasty/evil) parents lately. I have posted in the past on my own and in other threads about my own difficult child mother. We have had off/on contact for most of my life (off/on - but mostly off- foster care growing up, on my own on my 16th birthday, thank goodness!). Usually I would just lose it with her and for a few weeks, maybe a month or two, we wouldn't speak. Then I'd get sucked back into her games. I blame myself not her for THAT part, I had to learn that I am an adult and I do now owe her anything, even contact if it is toxic. I struggle with the "being ok with this" part, I do struggle to stop feeling guilt/shame at her accusation to the world that her daughter has "abandoned her and robbed her of her grandchildren as well". Well uh, yup. I'm gone. But she was never there, so abandon? I think not :hammer:
I finally came to terms with being okay enough with no contact personally that I was so much better off this last time I cut contact. Was at 14 months and going strong until shortly before difficult child moved home. Suddenly she was leaving me messages on my machine "dangling the carrot" of info re: difficult child that she knew would cause me to actually return her call after all that time apart. For example, informing me about the physical abuse to difficult child from his other grandmonster. Of course I called back and got the info. It killed me speaking to her, but I would probably sell my soul if it meant protecting difficult child from others in that way. She knew this. Sick part is, she knew this for MONTHS. She just held it under her hat, allowing him to return to grandmonster time and time without informing me. She decided to "share" this with me why? The goodness of her heart to hear her tell it. Truth? She wanted/needed money.
This all being merely the tip of the iceberg, after difficult child moved back home I did sit him down and talk to him about my mother and the reasons why I cannot be in contact with her. Before this he would be hating me for leaving his gramma all alone, I was pretty much all she had. Now he understands. As soon as I had that talk, I once again returned to no contact with my mother. I didn't wait for her to do something horrible yet again. I just told her the truth, that as much as she used me for money, I had used her that month of contact for information re:difficult child that she should have shared with me for HIS protection anyhow, without using it as a tool to try to start up a relationship again. She has called every week or so since. I do not answer when I see her name on the call display. She has only left a message once. I deleted it without listening to it. I am actually very "okay" with it this time, I can't see a reason for any contact in future.
So what is this about? Last night proved to me I am right in cutting this toxic nasty nasty woman from my life and ensuring she cannot damage my children (sadly difficult child has had this happen to him from her already, but no more!).
difficult child came out of bed where I thought he was sleeping. Came to me where I was reading in bed and looked nervous. Said something was on his mind for a long time but he was scared to ask me about it. I was worried and said nothing is not okay to talk to me about, anything at all is open to discussion if it is important to him.
He told me that my mother had told him something that happened between difficult child's father and I after difficult child was born, during a brief moment of stupidity on my part where I thought he was going to be a part of me and difficult child's life. (God I was young AND stupid!) Anyhow, the stuff that my mother told difficult child is something that although reflects very very badly on difficult child's father, is something that I would NEVER have told difficult child. EVER. Even as an adult I would never have told him what happened, heck I haven't talked to anyone about it since it happened, nobody. Ever. It was that horrible. Not something for an adult to hear about their father, let alone a 13 year old boy. I can't believe he did not ask me before, since he has known about this for months apparently. I have to say it took me so off gaurd that I teared up instantly. So there was no lying to difficult child about it, he knew from my reaction to the question that the info he recieved was true. He had questions. It killed me but he wanted answers, wouldn't accept that it is in the past and not something he should be dealing with knowing about. So I answered his questions as simply as he would let me get away with. He finally went to bed, very bitter and angry with his father, very disillusioned because although he refers to his father as "the deadbeat" (He is one), this is alot to absorb about your own father.
I was so devestated at learning that difficult child was exposed to this information. ONLY my mother would be so disgustingly insensitive as to feed information like this to a child. I've had a sick to my stomache feeling all day, despite difficult child hugging me after the conversation and telling me it's okay that I know Mom, I should know what he is like.
So .... another reason that helps me realize I made the right choice by coming to terms with completely cutting this nasty vile woman out of my life.


No real point to this thread, not even necessary to respond. I just know that this is a safe place to vent. By the time I go to bed tonight I'm goign to put this incident away in the file in my mind that doesnt' need to be revisited. I can't let her infect me with her nastiness even after she is out of our lives.



No real answers to life..
It makes me weep that so many members have had such awful mothering and tormenting mothers. I was luck enough to have a pretty great mom and I feel the same way about my husbands mother, two really good moms. It makes me want to take all you "unmothered" souls in my arms and give you a warm, safe, loving hug. You all deserve that and I hope when or if you have to deal with a caustic egg donor that you can step back and remember that there are people who appreciate you and care about you. Sending warm hugs to all who need them....


New Member

Your son is in my prayers as he trys to deal with this information. You seem to have come to terms with the disgusting behavior of your mother but I will pray that you find another way to find that warm accepting love and support you are due.