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Christmas was harder than I thought it would be
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 572039" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Geez, I am so sorry Payla. I can so relate to all your feelings. It is so very difficult to see them in person when they are in the throes of their personality disorder/mental illness. I don't believe you can measure detachment in a normal linear fashion, not when it comes to our kids..............it is clearly a process and you've done a wonderful job. All your work didn't dissolve, it's another step along the way which makes you stronger. Just like it's a process for him to grow up, it's a process for us to let go. Don't be hard on yourself, you are doing the very best job you can under horrible circumstances. It's very good you have a therapist, I really don't know how parents can do this without support, because it's so hard on us.</p><p></p><p>My daughter and your son sound so similar, my daughter has been <em>talking </em>about getting a job for 1 year and she is about to be ousted from the home she's been living in. When I know the details my mind begins to automatically move into how I can fix it. It's much better for me when I don't know the details and I don't see her. Over the last year I've set those boundaries but, like you, I put them aside for the holidays and like you, I suffered in that choice. I'm not sure what I will do next year during the holidays if things are, God forbid, the same. </p><p></p><p>You went through all that anguish and you gave him some gas money, that doesn't constitute falling off the detachment wagon...........you held your own under very trying circumstances and didn't cave in and give him what he was asking for or drag him back to the safety of your home. I think you did what most of us would do under the same circumstances when seeing their child in such a desperate and scary place. The worry you're now experiencing is what you can work on, how to let that go, that's what I work on too. Our fears for them. That's really the only thing we have any control over, so that's where to put our energies. You have all the tools available to you, your therapist, your husband, your girlfriends, your self care. </p><p></p><p>I have worried a lot about my difficult child in jail too. Some of that worry has dissipated as I realize that because of my difficult child's bad choices which put her in harms way and risky places, she may actually be safer in jail. I think the hardest thing on me is having to continually come to new conclusions, give up my expectations, face the reality head on and the recognition that this may be the way it is, it may not get any better and I have to make a lot of adjustments in my thinking about that. There is a lot to let go of. My daughter is in her life doing whatever she is doing, I am the one who has done a lot of work to accept <em>what is</em> and Payla, it is one hard road with many minefields and deep holes to fall in. You're doing a very good job, the best job you can do under the circumstances you are facing. Stay strong. Keep well supported. Try to find that joy again.............gentle hugs for you..........</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 572039, member: 13542"] Geez, I am so sorry Payla. I can so relate to all your feelings. It is so very difficult to see them in person when they are in the throes of their personality disorder/mental illness. I don't believe you can measure detachment in a normal linear fashion, not when it comes to our kids..............it is clearly a process and you've done a wonderful job. All your work didn't dissolve, it's another step along the way which makes you stronger. Just like it's a process for him to grow up, it's a process for us to let go. Don't be hard on yourself, you are doing the very best job you can under horrible circumstances. It's very good you have a therapist, I really don't know how parents can do this without support, because it's so hard on us. My daughter and your son sound so similar, my daughter has been [I]talking [/I]about getting a job for 1 year and she is about to be ousted from the home she's been living in. When I know the details my mind begins to automatically move into how I can fix it. It's much better for me when I don't know the details and I don't see her. Over the last year I've set those boundaries but, like you, I put them aside for the holidays and like you, I suffered in that choice. I'm not sure what I will do next year during the holidays if things are, God forbid, the same. You went through all that anguish and you gave him some gas money, that doesn't constitute falling off the detachment wagon...........you held your own under very trying circumstances and didn't cave in and give him what he was asking for or drag him back to the safety of your home. I think you did what most of us would do under the same circumstances when seeing their child in such a desperate and scary place. The worry you're now experiencing is what you can work on, how to let that go, that's what I work on too. Our fears for them. That's really the only thing we have any control over, so that's where to put our energies. You have all the tools available to you, your therapist, your husband, your girlfriends, your self care. I have worried a lot about my difficult child in jail too. Some of that worry has dissipated as I realize that because of my difficult child's bad choices which put her in harms way and risky places, she may actually be safer in jail. I think the hardest thing on me is having to continually come to new conclusions, give up my expectations, face the reality head on and the recognition that this may be the way it is, it may not get any better and I have to make a lot of adjustments in my thinking about that. There is a lot to let go of. My daughter is in her life doing whatever she is doing, I am the one who has done a lot of work to accept [I]what is[/I] and Payla, it is one hard road with many minefields and deep holes to fall in. You're doing a very good job, the best job you can do under the circumstances you are facing. Stay strong. Keep well supported. Try to find that joy again.............gentle hugs for you.......... [/QUOTE]
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Christmas was harder than I thought it would be
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