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Substance Abuse
Codependency and Good parenting where is the devide
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 723097" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p style="margin-left: 20px">When our kids are 18, legally they can thumb their nose at our parenting. We can suggest, not parent. We can set rules on behavior in our homes. We can NOT force anyone to do what they need to do to be allowed to stay under our roof. We cant make them follow those guidrlines. They are legal adults.</p><p></p><p>To me it is all about seeing progress. My daughter was 19 when, after her drug use from age 12, we found her having a pill party in our home when she had lied about being clean and was supposed to be only watching the dogs as we were on a short vacation but came home early. Surprise!!! Shock!!! Horror!!!</p><p></p><p>We made her leave. These thoughts went through my head</p><p></p><p>1. Is she progressing here?</p><p></p><p>2. What about her younger siblings? Are they okay with this?</p><p></p><p>3. How many times has she lied to us about being clean?</p><p></p><p>4. Can we help her here?</p><p></p><p>5. Is it time for her to break the rules somewhere else? What may change her?</p><p></p><p>I was in Al Anon. Tough love, which can work well or not at all, made the most sense to me. I knew my daughter. We know our own kids best. I gambled that my daughter would hate being out on her own. Although she was able to talk Goneboy into picking her up and letting her live in his house basement, with more conditions attached than she ever had in our house, she was on her own. No emotional support. No car, but had to walk to and from work in Chicago cold. No smoking anything. One cigarette in his home and she was out and she knew he would do it. She had to pay rent, clean and cook for Goneboy and his tenants. She felt alone and hated it, but she quit. My gamble paid off. Twelve years later...cocaine and meth are long gone.</p><p></p><p>At eighteen we cant legally parent. We cant. We can make decisions in our home and set boundaries. We cant force them to do anything. You know your son best. You know what is most apt to help his path, as did I. You do not have to do anything for him that he can do for himself. You can set boundaries in your own home too. You can seek out help for your ability to cope. You can make YOU more functional in this dark midst. But you cant really parent him as if he is a minor that you have control over. He is on his own, deciding whether or not to do what he needs to do in order to live in your home. That is the max any of us can do. Take our power back and force respectful behavior and rules under our roof and stick to our guns. Notice we can affect us, not them.</p><p></p><p>You know what works best for your son (and there are no guarantees). All of our kids who bring us here are immature and sick. All.</p><p></p><p>But it is not the same as, say, cancer. Cancer patients dont steal from us, hurt us, tell us we are dirt, say we caused the cancer or behave unaceptably. Addicts lie, steal, abuse, some even kill.</p><p></p><p>Its a balancing act for us with no manual. What works best for both of you without his hurting you or other loved ones? Thats what we asked ourselves.</p><p></p><p>If something feels wrong in your gut...it probably is. Trust the way you feel.if you frel uncomfortable, you are not sure.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Hugs and so much good thoughts and love to you and your son.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 723097, member: 1550"] [INDENT]When our kids are 18, legally they can thumb their nose at our parenting. We can suggest, not parent. We can set rules on behavior in our homes. We can NOT force anyone to do what they need to do to be allowed to stay under our roof. We cant make them follow those guidrlines. They are legal adults.[/INDENT] To me it is all about seeing progress. My daughter was 19 when, after her drug use from age 12, we found her having a pill party in our home when she had lied about being clean and was supposed to be only watching the dogs as we were on a short vacation but came home early. Surprise!!! Shock!!! Horror!!! We made her leave. These thoughts went through my head 1. Is she progressing here? 2. What about her younger siblings? Are they okay with this? 3. How many times has she lied to us about being clean? 4. Can we help her here? 5. Is it time for her to break the rules somewhere else? What may change her? I was in Al Anon. Tough love, which can work well or not at all, made the most sense to me. I knew my daughter. We know our own kids best. I gambled that my daughter would hate being out on her own. Although she was able to talk Goneboy into picking her up and letting her live in his house basement, with more conditions attached than she ever had in our house, she was on her own. No emotional support. No car, but had to walk to and from work in Chicago cold. No smoking anything. One cigarette in his home and she was out and she knew he would do it. She had to pay rent, clean and cook for Goneboy and his tenants. She felt alone and hated it, but she quit. My gamble paid off. Twelve years later...cocaine and meth are long gone. At eighteen we cant legally parent. We cant. We can make decisions in our home and set boundaries. We cant force them to do anything. You know your son best. You know what is most apt to help his path, as did I. You do not have to do anything for him that he can do for himself. You can set boundaries in your own home too. You can seek out help for your ability to cope. You can make YOU more functional in this dark midst. But you cant really parent him as if he is a minor that you have control over. He is on his own, deciding whether or not to do what he needs to do in order to live in your home. That is the max any of us can do. Take our power back and force respectful behavior and rules under our roof and stick to our guns. Notice we can affect us, not them. You know what works best for your son (and there are no guarantees). All of our kids who bring us here are immature and sick. All. But it is not the same as, say, cancer. Cancer patients dont steal from us, hurt us, tell us we are dirt, say we caused the cancer or behave unaceptably. Addicts lie, steal, abuse, some even kill. Its a balancing act for us with no manual. What works best for both of you without his hurting you or other loved ones? Thats what we asked ourselves. If something feels wrong in your gut...it probably is. Trust the way you feel.if you frel uncomfortable, you are not sure. Hugs and so much good thoughts and love to you and your son. [/QUOTE]
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