I am trying to find a balance between being a good parent and not being codependent. I have made a list in my journal of terms of codependency and parenting. Needless to say there is a tremendous overlap. Where does parenting and good guidance end and codependency being? I grapple with this. My son is young and he is also delayed in his maturity due to his past years of drug use. With each recent encounter I see him progress like a violent tango. He is progressing in some ways and resistant in others. He appears to be moving along the continuum of acceptance that he has a problem with his drug use. He is still bargaining and attempting to manage his substance abuse on his own. This is progress from violence and blatant denial. That is about him, now about me. Am I trying to control his disease? No. Am I willing to provide him with a home and shelter if he is accepting of the fact that he will need to adhere to the ground rules and go to rehab if he fails to control his drug use on his own? Yes. Do I obsess about his well being? Yes. Does this make me codependent, a parent or both? I am caught up in this tango. I see progress in myself. I behold my son with compassion and love but the times where I am gutted and paralyzed with grief are less frequent. His life his choices. My life my choices. He is 18, he is struggling and trying to do the right thing. If he was ill in any other way would I help? Yes. He knows he can not break the rules and live under our roof, this has not stopped him before. So I ask what has changed. His attitude seams to have progressed and it is baby steps, We are not rushing to him with open arms. A contract with zero tolerance for drugs, theft, lies and certain house rules is in place. Are we being duped? Who knows only time will tell. I am trying to Focus on me and do what I need to do to be healthy and well. Where does parent end and ME begin. It is a continuous process of give and take and self preservation. This is not easy. I do notice in my reading that I recognize codependency in other parents who have successful children and adult children. I have to ask myself is this a good thing. In the long run is it going to be beneficial for their children. Obsessing over their grades and their school choices. Running them everywhere posting everything but their bowel routine on face book. So where is the devide? For me today it is a choice of good parenting to allow my son yet another chance to prove himself worthy of living in our home and being an active part of our family. I shall endeavour not to obsess, hover, advise and prompt. I will continue to offer ride to court but as he has chosen to take a different direction for this process than one that leads him to rehab; I leave him to sort this out on his own. I will provide advice and guidance only when asked. I will adhere to the living contract and the zero tolerance agreements. If he acts out he must be put out. If it is cold I will Uber him to a shelter. I won’t drive him become he will cause too much Drama in the car. My parameters are in place. I will cease communications with him for a period so I do not cave on my agreement. I will not allow him into the home and if he does make any aggressive attempts we will get a restraining order. He is clear that his will be his last opportunity and if he can not manage to shake the drugs on his own he must attend rehab or leave. He must attend the meeting for intake interview this time “Zero Tolernace”. I will focus on my and my life. I need to get back on track with my healthy life. It’s an hair splitting fine balance. Son is now 18. We have been at this since he was 15. Nothing changes if everything stays the same. He agrees to this. So do we. Progress: husband and I remain a united front.