communication hints?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by compassion, Nov 27, 2008.

  1. compassion

    compassion Member

    My daughter is 15 and I suspect Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) (autism spectrum) . She is a very
    b and w thinker. Negotiation is next to impossibe with her.
    I try to do thebaskets /choose my battes apprach. Monday with therapist session, drew up contract to avoid reentess pestering and fits. She wanted to spend night at a freind's and when I said no she goes I am running away to John's (22 and pace she uses). Her veiw is it is MY way or I am out of here. I end upgiving in out of sheer exhaustion. At this point I am trying to keep her sober and off the streets (not running away) we are on day 11. She is going over there (f freind not boy). A bipoar book I have describes tota absence of empathy-that is her. Thanks for being here. For some reason my next to k kkey is not working. Any suggestions are wqecome. Compassion
  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Hi and Welcome!! I'm not familiar with Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) so much but others here are. It is a little slower than usual right now due to it being Thanksgiving. Hang in there- a lot of support and experience can be given here. Also, I might suggest that if your daughter is 18 or over, you might have some luck posting in the Parent Emeritus section.

    We all have had, and continue to have, struggles with our kids, so there isn't anything you can say to shock anyone here. If you can give more specifics- daughter's age, history, etc., it might help. It is obvious from things you've already said that you aren't completely naive in the process of trying to help your child, so that has got to leave you at least one small step ahead.
  3. compassion

    compassion Member

    Hi, She is 15. I Considered her a "spirited kid"-very persevering,sensitive, creative, very rgid, and back and white thinking. In June, 2008 her behavior amped up to the bizzare. She woud stay out at night-found out she was using durgs/drimking. In eary Juy she started steaing our cars and cridit cards. She totaed 2 cars (stoen from us/driving without adut) This was in Juy. Charged as adut eving the scene. I had her Bakered Act in psch ward after second accident as she woud have anded in jai. She was there Juy 29-Aug.7. Her diagnosis was bipoar, conduct disorder and substance abuse. She continjued to run away, and even though we have safes, she stoe credit cards and racked up thousands of doars in Sept. and Oct. She has swwn therapist weeky since Aug. and psychiatrist since Sept. 23. psychiatrist reccomends Residential Treatment Center (RTC) but we are trying to see if we can get her stabiized without going to that extrme . She is 10 days sober and when she does not run, she takes her medications. -abiify 15 (AM) and actima 75 PM She ran away ate Oct. and wrecked car again Oct. 30. Oh, we hired attorney and she got deayed prosectuion as of Oct. 3 -needs to stay out of troube with aw for 6 months. The concern is she keep s doing these very impusive and risky behaviors.
    I try and choose my battes but it is getting very exhausting. As it is, she is out of th ehouse a Occupational Therapist (OT) : Bassicsay right noe trying to keep her sober and from running away.
    55, warrior mom
    60, parnter husband being more invoved togher dince 1987, MARRIED 1989
    difficult child 15 bIPOAR, cd, SUBATANCE abuser, adopted t birth suspect PPD (moderate) , deaf in one ear, Abiify 15, actima, 75
    easy child 18 ADHD processign speed very sow, gifted verbay no medications somphmore in coege
    difficult child 33 no contact since summer 2006
  4. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    My gut reaction- get her the longest drug rehab treatment you can, but then , I really am not the expert here on this kind of issue. Don't get me wrong- my son is no saint and we have our issues, but I wouldn't want to steer you wrong. If you can keep your posts going through tomorrow and Sat, you'll probably get more experienced advice.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Did her birthmother drink and do drugs while she was pregnant? I am thinking she may be on the fetal alcohol spectrum. Although kids with fetal alcohol SYNDROME look a certain way and can easily be identified, a child can be born with fetal alcohol EFFECTS instead. These kids don't look different, and are not easily identifiable. And, sadly, they are usually just as impaired as those with the full syndrome. Even drinking a little during pregnancy can cause this problem, and it's organic brain damage and the kids can't learn from their mistakes. Not won't. CAN'T. They have a lot of symptoms of Conduct Disorder, but that's not the issue when it is because of alcohol effects.
    I would never allow this child to drive. She could kill herself or somebody else. JMO
    Last edited: Nov 27, 2008
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Honestly, I really think you need to find a lockdown drug/alcohol rehab if you want any hope of getting her off drugs. You have been trying since before September and she currently has 10days. This is a huge testament to YOU and your determination, as she doesnt' seem to want to be sober/straight. IF she is Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) she may or may not be capable of getting sober. I really don't know the effect of Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) on getting sober/straight.

    If there is ANY chance of Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE)/Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS), then the chances go down even more that she iwll be able to choose to get and stay clean. As MWM said, with fetal alcohol the issue is that the child CANNOT learn, not that they CHOOSE not to learn. Their brain simply isn't able to.

    Whatever is going on, has she been evaluated for Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) or other Autistic Spectrum Disorders? these include Autism, High Functioning Autism, Pervasive Developmental Disorder, Asperger's Syndrome and probably some things I am not aware of. There is a school of thought that thinks ADHD is on the spectrum of autistic disorders, though the general school of thought is out on this.

    It seems to me your daughter is in crisis. She wants what she wants, when she wants it. IF she cannot achieve some degree of freedom from drugs/alcohol she will not ever be able to get out from under the legal issues, she will just keep piling htem up. She also may kill someone when she decides to take a car and drive, regardless of if she knows how to drive or if she is sober. ANY time she is behind the wheel of a car she is using a lethal weapon. If she is using and gets behind the wheel she is immeasurably more dangerous to everyone on the road.

    You need to look for some kind of dual-diagnosis treatment. Dual Diagnosis meaning drug/alcohol abuse and mental illness. You can have her further evaluated once she is there. I wish I could say you will have luck with an outpatient setting, but I really do not think you iwll. There is just too much against this, esp the black and white thinking and impulsivity.

    While she is at home you and your husband need to find ALL the keys to ALL the vehicles. Install strong KEY locks on your bedroom door and use them at all times. EVERY key needs to be in this room - search her room and every other room to find all the keys. You also may want to question her friends if seh may have given keys to them to hold for her. Keys should be around your neck or in FRONT pockets if they are not locked up.

    Until your daughter has quite a long period of sobriety (years, not months or weeks) she should not be given any access to car keys. There are parents who have been on this board who had to sleep with keys on their person to keep children from stealing their cars.

    Does the psychiatrist have any suggestion of rtcs for you? Many time sthe Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is more effective if it is NOT close to home, simply because if it is close to home the child can run to familiar surroundings/friends. But the BEST Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is one that fits your child, not one chosen for its location. Your daughter has such a list of serious charges against her, that even ONE more may have the system charging her as an adult and sentencing her to serious jail time. I would like to think it isn't so, but it IS a possibility. One teen on this board is facing a possible 15 years in adult prison! And his charges are far less likely to have resulted in hurting someone - any of htem is.

    I hope we can provide some help with all you are going through. You are clearly trying to do all you can to help and protect your child, as well as working to understand what problems are contributing to the entire situation.

    I am gald you are here, but so very sorry you are coping with this entire set of problems. Sending you lots of hugs!
  7. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member

    Hi compassion and welcome to you.

    My immediate reaction (like the others) was that you are battling a drug issue. I would begin the process of looking at Residential Treatment Center (RTC). Don't wait until you are forced to place her - do your homework now.

    We placed our daughter when she was 15. It is not an easy decision. She was gone for 16 months. But, it is better than her ending up adjudicated to the court system.

    Welcome aboard!
  8. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member

    I don't have any experience (yet) with alcohol/drug use. I have two difficult children. difficult child 1 is an Aspie and bipolar too. difficult child 2 is an Aspie with Anxiety Disorder, not otherwise specified, and pragmatic language disorder. Both of them have lots of behavioral problems but because neither of them uses drugs/alcohol (I'm praying difficult child 1 doesn't turn to these things), I'm definitely not the one to advise you.

    However, I think the others have given you excellent advice. The one thing I think you should do ASAP, is to make sure that your difficult child doesn't have access to any of your cars!!!

    I'm glad you found us. The people here have kept me glued together and sane many, many times, lol!!! This is a wonderful place to come to for support, advice, or just to vent. Take whatever info you can use, and ignore the rest. Nothing you can say will shock us. We've all been through HE77...

    Thinking of you... WFEN
  9. ML

    ML Guest

    Bless your heart you have a lot to deal with. I have no advice or experience but I do want to remind you to take care of yourself. That can't be said often enough. Welcome hugs, ML
  10. compassion

    compassion Member

    Thanks all. I do suspect birthmom drank and now suspect she was bipolar and who knows about bdad.
    We have two safes and everything is locked up-credit cards and keys. We also have installed Lo-Jack on one vechicle and steering wheel locks on the other cars. She has a permit and I have been letting her drive with me in the car. She does stil have the key , she wreswtled in from my husband a month ago and tht needs to come back-the car is currently in the shop.
    She does have diagnosis of bipolar, alchol abuser and conduct disorder. She has not been offically evaluated for anything on the spectrum or Learning Disability (LD). She is deaf in left ear.
    The psychiatrist reccomens ltr that deals with both menta ilness and substance abuse. It is about 40 minues from here. Basically we told her she has until second week in Dec. to do her best (nor run, stay sober, abide by behavior contract) I am stil hoping shecan do it out-patient.
    She is on day 12 of being sober. I really did not relize the subatances were suchan issuse until the last month. I was focusd on the new bipolar diagnois plus thought it was impulsestuff. About a monthh ago she came back with a lot of liquor , cigarettes,etc. Plus, lots of pics on My Space.
    So, I think the moodstabilizers (Lactimal) and anti-psychotic (Abilify) never got a chance to work as she was not here a lot and the nicotine. She is looking better some of th etime but she isvery riugh ariund theedges.
    She thinks she is ready to go to college anddo whatever she wants. She just wrote someone on My Space last night thatshe was planning to takeclasses at cc in spring and she has not made itthough-is behind hope to catch up some in Jan. We homeschoool and she does a distance ed. prgram (private)
    She is with dad and brother getting the tree for Chritmas. Mom is getting a break :) She wil go to AA today.
    husband,60 taking more of a role
    difficult child daughter 15 bipolar, substance abuser, cd adopted at birth
    ds 18 adhd, predominanty inattentive type,mild, Learning Disability (LD)(cgnitive procesing and Math Disorder), adpted at birth; never medicatted somphmore in colee quite the young man
    difficult child ds 33, no contact from him summer, 2006 I e-Mai him monthy
  11. Ropefree

    Ropefree Banned

    Perhaps disconnect something so the car she has a key to won't start.Ignition fuse,
    or unplug the distributor. Maybe install a toggle on the ingintions on the cars that she doesn't know about. That way the cars work normally as you wish and can not be started by the key when you prefer.
  12. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Hi Compassion, welcome.

    I am so sorry your daughter is going through this (and putting you through it). You've gotten some great ideas here.
    I can't add much more except "welcome."
  13. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am sorry things are so rough. While you take her to AA, PLEASE find out about when Al Anon meets. I think it would be incredibly helpful and supportive for you (and husband if possible) to go to Al Anon meetings. You don't have to talk at AL-Anon unless you want to.

    I hope things get better soon, but honestly, until she is in a rehab the chances of her really succeeding are pretty slim. I hope she is at least in an outpatient program .

    Sending hugs.
  14. compassion

    compassion Member

    Thanks all. I have acutlly been involved with Al-Anon since 1976, off and on, mostly on. The past 5-8 years especially but this is a whole new deal for me. Many days I feel like a newcomer -back on step 1. I am very active in 2 on-line meetngs and attend 2 f2f meetings locally unless I am too tired during the week which hpapens a lot. Detachment and practing ecellent self care and Let Go Let God and acceptance are helping me ODAT.

    We are on day 12 -she did her work at the Humane Society . She loves animals. It is also part of her court ordered community service for the hit and runs in July. She went to one AA meeting and I will take her to anoather tonight: a begnner's one. She is eating and sleeping. I am closely monitoring cellphone and My Space. Soem party people have been contacting her but I am keeping cells and laptops locked up, esp on weekend. She is welcome to talk to safe people on the home phone.

    I did some reaearch on Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE) and I do think this may well enter in. I think time will tell as she gets more sobriety and more stabilized on her mood stablizers and anti-pyschoics.

    The car idea was brilliant!!! I am hoping she will relinquish the key. We are allowing her to drive as long as she is not running away and partying , under our supervison.
  15. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    We had a "kill" switch on our last car which we bought second-hand. We'd had the car for ten years before we accidentally found the kill switch, husband stretched his leg a little further than usual while driving and kicked it on - it took us two days and an auto-electrician to find the thing! I can highly recommend getting one fitted, it is so simple yet so very effective.

    I have my doubts about the Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) hypothesis. By all means get it checked out, but Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids tend to be very law-abiding, it takes a lot out of them mentally to break rules, knowing they're breaking them. It's not impossible, and girls are different, but Ockams Razor would advise to look for the simplest likelihood.

    To put your mind at rest (or give you food for thought) go to and run the unofficial Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) questionnaire on her, see how she scores. Take the printout to her specialist when you see them, see what they say about your concerns.

    We do have a kid in our village with a Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) diagnosis and also involved in drugs and theft. His parents are beside themselves with worry. In his case, he's easily led and wants to be liked, so he does these things because other gang members tell him to. But a kid doing this off her own bat, without the social pressure - I'd have my doubts about Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD).

    I think in your current situation the label would give understanding, but no solution. You need to work on what presents first, in practical terms, then worry about what to call it. You can't do everything at once (or you'll burn out!) so I would concentrate on getting her isolated from whatever is influencing/allowing this, then see how she goes.

    Good luck. It's a nasty problem.

    Keep us posted on how you get on.