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Substance Abuse
Concerned about my friend and her drug addicted son.
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 698940" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Sometimes we become codependent (overly responsible) for people who are not even our family and when that happens, we do things to "help" others and expect their gratitude. Or we at least expect them to be nice to us.</p><p></p><p>Although I never went quite that far in my codependent tendencies, I have helped a lot of people too and I learned an important lesson.</p><p></p><p>if you want to help somebody, you do it strictly out of the goodness of your heart. Do not try to tell the others how to live or what you think. Our helping does not give us a right to try to control their choices about how to live and if we try, feeling that our tremendous help gives us the right to speak out that way, they dont like it. They come to resent it...and maybe still try to use your help, but not take your advice. Been there, done that, learned only to help when It's convenient for me and not to expect anything back. In the end, this type of relationship often goes bad with hurt feelings.</p><p></p><p>You bailed her son out of jail and wanted to pay for a hotel for him. You meant well, but maybe that wasnt helping. Maybe he would have learned more stuck in jail. Maybe Kim would have learned self sufficiency if she wanted to earn money to get him out. Why sacrifice a fun night with your family to do this? It is really between Kim and her son to figure their lives out. You cant. You can even say (and I still have trouble with thus but nowvI do say it) "No, Kim. I cant do this." Its okay to say no.</p><p></p><p>I have a great book for you to read called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. You can buy it anywhere or get it out of the library.</p><p></p><p>I was also in a twelve step group called CODA Codapendents Anonymous and it made me see that I mattered; that it was not my responsibility to save others...that I could only save myself, in truth. Many cities dont have a CODA, but groups do meet online. CODA changed my life. For the better.</p><p></p><p>In the meantime, Kim needs to find ways to help herself. She is asking you to back off. in my opinion you should respect her wishes and read the book. You are trying to save people when the truth is all of us can only save one person...us. Dont be offended. But let her go. She will walk her own path as will her son. Your own life is YOUR path <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" />. in my opinion stay on your path.</p><p></p><p>I had. to learn this myself. I have many stories....one how I drove a homeless mother with seven kids all over the place until I helped her find help and shelter. I barely heard from her after that. Fortunately, that was not my first rodeo and it didnt hurt me, but I had many similar experiences that did hurt me. </p><p></p><p>Hugs and good wishes!!!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 698940, member: 1550"] Sometimes we become codependent (overly responsible) for people who are not even our family and when that happens, we do things to "help" others and expect their gratitude. Or we at least expect them to be nice to us. Although I never went quite that far in my codependent tendencies, I have helped a lot of people too and I learned an important lesson. if you want to help somebody, you do it strictly out of the goodness of your heart. Do not try to tell the others how to live or what you think. Our helping does not give us a right to try to control their choices about how to live and if we try, feeling that our tremendous help gives us the right to speak out that way, they dont like it. They come to resent it...and maybe still try to use your help, but not take your advice. Been there, done that, learned only to help when It's convenient for me and not to expect anything back. In the end, this type of relationship often goes bad with hurt feelings. You bailed her son out of jail and wanted to pay for a hotel for him. You meant well, but maybe that wasnt helping. Maybe he would have learned more stuck in jail. Maybe Kim would have learned self sufficiency if she wanted to earn money to get him out. Why sacrifice a fun night with your family to do this? It is really between Kim and her son to figure their lives out. You cant. You can even say (and I still have trouble with thus but nowvI do say it) "No, Kim. I cant do this." Its okay to say no. I have a great book for you to read called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. You can buy it anywhere or get it out of the library. I was also in a twelve step group called CODA Codapendents Anonymous and it made me see that I mattered; that it was not my responsibility to save others...that I could only save myself, in truth. Many cities dont have a CODA, but groups do meet online. CODA changed my life. For the better. In the meantime, Kim needs to find ways to help herself. She is asking you to back off. in my opinion you should respect her wishes and read the book. You are trying to save people when the truth is all of us can only save one person...us. Dont be offended. But let her go. She will walk her own path as will her son. Your own life is YOUR path :). in my opinion stay on your path. I had. to learn this myself. I have many stories....one how I drove a homeless mother with seven kids all over the place until I helped her find help and shelter. I barely heard from her after that. Fortunately, that was not my first rodeo and it didnt hurt me, but I had many similar experiences that did hurt me. Hugs and good wishes!!! [/QUOTE]
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Concerned about my friend and her drug addicted son.
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